I have a college education, but dang it, Whole Foods, you make me feel and look like a fool. Here are my thoughts while shopping at that God-forsaken place.
OK, my grocery list has just six items on it, so this should go by quick.
Scanning for parking spot, scanning, scanning, scanning. Found one! And it’s princess parking! So close. God, it’s hot outside. When does it usually get cooler in Texas? Late October? Wait if I die before then? OK, last time I was in Whole Foods, it took me forever, but not this time. I’m smarter than a store. I’m a Texas Tech graduate.
OK, where are the buggies? I’ve walked around the cashiers twice and I don’t see a dang buggie anywhere. I see people shopping with them, but where did they get them? OK, so they’re not in the store. Maybe they’re outside? OK, they’re outside. Duh, buggies are always outside. Unless they’re inside like at Tom Thumb where the commonfolk shops.
I’m going to choose the little buggie because it makes me look dainty and like I just eat birdseeds and cheese.
Oh, man, produce. I don’t need anything there. There are a lot of people here. Is everyone unemployed like I am? Get a job, people.
OK, I need yogurt. That’s going to be in the cooled foods section. OK, here it is. Can this woman move away from me, please? You are breathing down my neck and I can’t find the pomegranate blueberry yogurt. OK, surely I didn’t make this flavor up. Where is it? There’s blueberry and there’s pomegranate, but not together. OK, chill, woman. I’m going. You get the yogurt space now.
OK, next on the list is water. Oh, there’s a water aisle. This should be easy….
….OK, seriously. I don’t see the water I need. If water isn’t in the water aisle, where would it be?
Oh, wow, Whole Foods sells clothes? Wait, these are actually kind of cute. My sister would mock me until the end of time if I ever bought clothes from a grocery store. What does she know? My favorite purse is from World Market. Like I’m an effing hippie who buys her clothes and accessories from grocery stores. That’s who I want to be. She can’t bring me down. I’m my own woman. I’m so ungotten.
OK, SERIOUSLY, WHERE IS THE WATER.
That’s OK, I’ll get my Holy Kombucha now. I’m assuming that’s a juice. I saw some juices by the produce earlier.
Wait, I should Google what it looks like, so I can spot it better. OK, it’s just juice. Should be in the juice section.
Oh, there’s a Caution: Wet Floor sign right in front of the juices. I’m going to step on the water anyway. Why is the worker looking at me like I’m the first person ever to ignore a yellow sign?
OK, so Holy Kombucha wasn’t in that area and now my shoes are wet.
Let’s look for the water again. I’m sure I just looked over it.
OK, the water still isn’t there. Maybe there’s some in the back? Do grocery stores do that?
Oh, I see juice, I see juice. Yeah, still not the juice I need.
Does Whole Foods sell Butterfingers? I need one. No, I need a Dr Pepper. There’s no way this health-oriented place sells DP.
This is the fourth time I’ve strolled by the same worker and he’s starting to look at me funny. He’s kind of cute. He’s probably in high school or just graduated, but at least he has a job. More than I can say for myself. I wonder if he likes working here. I bet he has a girlfriend. Hipster high schoolers never not have a girlfriend.
OK, I see water at the front. OK, my water is here. Oh, wow, this box is really heavy. Like, I can’t lift it. Nope, I can lift it, it just doesn’t fit in my buggie. Dang it, I should have gotten the bigger buggie. I’m an idiot.
I’m just going to check out and come back for the water.
I hope this man can break a $100 bill. We’ll see. OK, he can. But not before he marks on it to make sure it’s not counterfeit. Like, who prints off a bunch of cash and comes to Whole Foods for yogurt? I remember I used to have to do that with anything over $20. I even had to do it with $20. I was never taught what it looked like when it was counterfeit, just that I would know. I doubt this man has been taught either.
I brought my own bag because I’m an Earth-saver and am super conscious about the environment, so I hope this bagger woman takes notice. OK, she didn’t. Apparently all Whole Foods shoppers do that.
OK, I’ll just going to put these groceries in the car and come back for the water.
First, let me get a bigger buggie.
I’m entering the store again and I feel like a complete idiot.
OK, operation water. Wow, this water is heavy. Have I mentioned that? OK, a strong woman is now helping me after she saw my scrawny white arms trying to lift it.
OK, she’s actually kind of my hero. I’ll go into her checkout lane.
I’ll use a credit card this time. Approved! Victory!
OH, wow. It’s still really hot outside. OK, I kind of feel sick to my stomach, it’s so hot outside. Yeah, this water is still really heavy. Where is that woman now? God, I need her.
I hate Whole Foods. I’m never going there again until I need more brownies.