What To Get Your Man For His Birthday

Because I’m an unmarried woman who is famously attracted to gay guys, sometimes my friends ask me for boy advice.

By sometimes, I mean really never, because I usually just say, “He doesn’t like you,” but sometimes they ask me, “Hey, PMS. What should I get my man for his birthday?”

Ahh, yes, birthdays. They are a special occasion. They are the one time a year where you can ask your man how old he is without feeling weird about it.

Age is weird.

So because I serve the people, I’ll offer up my advice on what to get your man for his birthday.

I don’t care if he doesn’t even smoke. I don’t care if he recently tried quitting. Cigarettes are an easy gift because all you have to do is walk into a gas station, point behind the register, and say give it to me. This can be dangerous, so use the buddy system.

This one can be challenging because it will force you to look at the beer he drinks. Pay attention, now. When he goes up to the bar to order, listen closely. Was it a Shiner? Was it a Budweiser? Was it a Shirley Temple? Whatever he says, write it down. Then repeat. Wala, you have a beer for your man.

Concert tickets
Concert tickets are a fun gift because when you give a man two concert tickets, they feel obligated to take you. You don’t fight this feeling. The trick here is to give him concert tickets of a concert you want to see. Like Taylor Swift. Oh, what was that? You don’t like Taylor Swift? But look at her legs. This is a great birthday present, how dare you argue with me.

*Concert tickets are tricky, however because you don’t want to plan too far in advance. One time I bought a male Jason Aldean concert tickets and then he broke up with me (I know, who tf would ever break up with me) and then I was forced to go to a Jason Aldean concert and sadly, that was my first Aldean concert, but not my last.*

Playing dumb is cute and that is a fact. That’s why the girl who posts things like, “Does anyone know any fun recipes?” instead of Googling it has a husband and you don’t. So this birthday, get him nothing and watch him fume. It’s fun. Birthday arguments are a good way to start the new year.

What do y’all get your men???????????????????

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