10:37 p.m. CT August 17, 2014
“Never blog about basic b*tches who carry Coach purses because that will come back to bite you.” -Augusta Ruby Neal.
So here goes nothing, I guess.
5:01 p.m. CT September 20, 2015
I spy a living and breathing female in her natural habitat at Wild About Harry’s. She is waiting in line, wondering what flavor concrete she’s going to order. She is wearing jean shorts, has French tip acrylic nails, and a James Avery dangly cross ring on her finger. And she has a boyfriend who is all over her like white on bread or some other horrible analogy.
Did you hear me correctly? Did you read that right? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. A girl who has yet to escape 2007 has a boyfriend and he does not give two rat’s ass about her fashion choices.
This is what is so startling about America/dating. Or being an American who dates. Men do not care about what women wear or where they shop or anything. I am so completely stressed out about finding the perfect thigh-high boots for the winter, I can’t even think straight most days. And this girl in Wild About Harry’s has a James Avery silver ring. And not only that, but it’s a dangly cross. On her French tip nails.
2007 CALLED AND THEY ARE MAD YOU’RE STILL THERE, GIRL.
Everyone has their own idea of what’s fashionable, but you’re probably wrong. Just because you looked good in American Eagle jeans in high school doesn’t mean you still do slash doesn’t mean you should ever enter an AE store again.
|chris brown doesn’t care about her bag and honestly that’s his scariest characteristic|
And guys don’t care. Guys think high-waisted anythings are ugly. It’s like, I’m sorry I’m not a Playboy model and need to cover up my hips. And guys don’t care about makeup. Guys think Cara Delevinge, the most beautiful supermodel in the world, has messed up eyebrows. Guys want us to wear no makeup until they see us with none and then they’re like, oh, maybe wear some. I SPENT $100 AT ULTA I WILL WEAR MY MAKEUP AND YOU WILL NOT TELL ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER NATURAL.
Other things that President Barack Obama should personally outlaw:
Tiffany heart necklaces
Dooney and Burke purses
Tiny Louis Vuitton purses
Texas-shaped jewelry. We get it. You live here.
Sunglasses with rhinestones
Sundresses and cowboy boots. Have you ever even seen a cow.
Tank tops that are longer than the shirt
If you are offended by any of this, start your own effing blog and write about it.