Mercury is in retrograde and I have no idea what that means.
All you hippie voodoo shit people won’t stop talking about it and by that I mean my friend Cayla is blaming it on everything.
Does Zodiac signs have anything to do with this. What is my Zodiac sign. What does any of this mean.
Like is Mercury even a planet.
It is. Continue on.
Things I’m blaming Mercury on:
I can’t remember if Mercury is even a planet.
I went to the Rangers game and ate nachos and then vomited. Dang you, Mercury.
I bought Jessica Simpson heels because a lesbian told me my legs looked good in them. (I assume she’s a lesbian. She was looking at the crocs.) Ugh, Mercury. Where am I even going to wear the heels?
I also bought thigh-high boots because apparently I have the confidence of a supermodel now. THANKS MERCURY.
I gave Winston an actual bath. Like, it was my idea and everything. #Mercury.
I saw a play where I had to stand the entire time. Freakin’ Jupiter wouldn’t make me do that.
My Internet hasn’t been working for the past two days. I SEE YOU, MERCURY.
When the AT&T man came, I told him having no Internet is equal to fighting in a war. Mercury causes actual vomit and word vomit.
I watched Grandfathered and enjoyed it. I was smiling the entire time. Eff you, Mercury.
I went to Sonic and asked for a McFlurry and the woman was so offended. “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s Mercury!”
I screamed at the McDonald’s guy when he wouldn’t serve me a quarter pounder at 10:45 a.m. Mercury.
I bought $115 Taylor Swift standing room only tickets. I don’t even have a seat. I just have a way into the stadium. Tay is bigger than Mercury.
I teared up while watching “The Longest Ride.” Kill me, Mercury.
And finally. Do I have a crush on Wiz Khalifa. Help me god and Mercury.
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