I Got My First Massage Today

What says I’m 25 today and I’m still young and youthful and vibrant but also I’m mature and ready to start the new year fresh?

A MASSAGE!!!!!!!!

pic from Barbie Smith Massage Associates because lol

I’ve had a SpaFinder gift card for 27 years now. My sister gave it to me for babysitting her devil cat and I never used it, but today Katie was like, let’s go get a massage and I was like ok but do I have to shave my legs?

Katie assured me that the massage people have seen it all, so there’s nothing to worry about.

I said ok, I trust you, Katie, my beautiful registered nurse.

We arrive at the massage place and have to sign a bunch of forms that says I don’t have a blood clot, but I do have a heart murmur.

I have a heart murmur and that’s why I can’t fully love any man. HAHAH LAUGH I’M A COMEDIAN.

We got called back and Katie and I head into the bathroom, where we change, go potty, store our things in the locker, and take snapchats because it’s our millennial god-given right.

After we get everything settled, we go and sit in the relaxation room and not 10 seconds in, Reggie Bush comes and gets me for my massage.

REGGIE BUSH. Everyone’s favorite Kim Kardashian ex-boyfriend.

A NFL-sized black dude gave me my massage.

So we walk into the room and it’s dimly lit and he says just do whatever and then get under the sheets with your face in the little face hole. I say ok, yes sir, Mr. Bush.

About 3 minutes later, he comes in and tells me to take three deep breaths in. I do that and I can smell some peppermint stuff directly under my nose. I think he was holding it literally right beneath my nose. It was like a bad Bath and Body Works candle.

actual picture of what was stuck in my face.

Anywho, he began massaging me and it felt good for the most part, but it also kind of hurt mainly because I’m delicate and fragile and very very very skinny. So when he massaged my shoulders, I was like, this kind of hurts, but I’m not going to say anything because I’m nice and I respect what you do for our country, Mr. Bush.

Then he asked me to flip over. That’s where it got complicated. The entire time I’m lying face down and smiling to the ground. Idk, the entire thing was funny to me. Like, I’m in a room alone with a man who is touching me. If my father didn’t warn me against this, then what did he do.

So when I flip over, he’s massaging my arms and I’m smiling the entire time. I’m just lying there giggling to myself and he can see it. And I can’t stop it. I tried to think about Winston dying and I just giggled more. Like, it was the funniest thing in my entire life.

He then put a bunch of hot towels all over my body and it felt nice. Why don’t we get more hot towels put on us in other places? Like before sushi? Or during church? Hot towel for you, hot towel for me, hot towels for everyone. Ok I’m done. Then he put a hot towel on my face and I couldn’t see anything. It blinded me. Then he started rummaging through drawers looking for something and all I could think was…


At that point, I started to get a little anxious. I had been relaxed the entire time and then I was like, Did Katie even read any Internet comments about this place? What if this is a slaughter house where everybody comes to die? Do I want to die on my 25th birthday? Do I have a choice?

But he finished massaging me and he didn’t murder me.

He said I’m done, do you want water or tea? I said, Dr Pepper, he said no water or tea, I said water, do I look like a tea-drinking animal. Gross.

I got dressed and opened the door to him waiting outside for me with my water in hand. He poured me a drink without me seeing it. If my father didn’t warn me against that, then is he even a father.

I drank it. I paid. I left. I survived.

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