If Barbara Walters thinks Bradley Cooper is fascinating, then hell, everyone is fascinating. Your mailman is fascinating. Your cousin who went to England one time is fascinating. Your left eyebrow is fascinating.
Not to be outdone by a woman who can’t pronounce her Rs and has a voice that puts anyone to sleep, I decided to compile my own list of 10 Most Fascinating People. These are real actual people I have encountered over the past year.
Quote of the year: “I like Cheetos and babacue sauce.”
Winston is a dog, but I think PETA would argue he’s people, too. If Bradley Cooper is fascinating, then Winston deserves that title, too. He’s fascinating because he identifies as black even though he has a little bit of white on him. He also once ate four packets of barbecue sauce while he was home alone and didn’t die. He’s a troop dog.
Quote of the year: “Once you go black, we don’t want you back.”
Damien was an Australian my group of friends and I met while we were in Las Vegas. He was attractive, but two of my friends were about ready to run away to Australia and marry this man. I was like ok, can everybody calm down. Once we told him that Cayla was dating a half-black guy, he said, “Once you go black, we don’t want you back.” I haven’t stopped laughing.
#8 Parenting Advice Guy
Quote of the year: “Remember me in a few years.”
I’ve written about this story before, but while my friends and I were in Vegas, we were always one-too-many mimosas in and always thinking telling people I was pregnant would be funny. Except when people actually believed it because apparently I’m fat. This man gave me parenting advice while I drank a beer. The advice had something to do with splashing water in the kid’s face and I was like ok then.
#7 Nick Jonas
Quote of the year: “Frankie is my favorite, too.”
Nick Jonas makes the list because he isn’t really fascinating at all but our interaction was incredible. First, I told him that his little brother Frankie was my favorite Jonas Brother. And then I kind of told him that he doesn’t really pull off being a frat guy that well in “Scream Queens.” And then I asked him if he would play “Mandy,” the Jonas Brother’s very first single, during his concert to which he said no, this is a Nick Jonas show, not Jonas Brothers. I said oh you’re sassy. And then he hugged me goodbye. And then he started dating Kate Hudson BECAUSE APPARENTLY 25 ISN’T OLD ENOUGH FOR HIM.
|do u look at kate hudson like that, nick.|
#6 Blind Date Guy
Quote of the year: “The reporter struck me as cute with a certain spunky vibe that I’m into.”
I never blogged this, proving I don’t blog about EVERYTHING, but I went on an actual blind date this year. Well, not necessarily a date, but I met a stranger for drinks, so same thing. He emailed me after seeing a video of me auditioning for the Bachelor and said really nice things, including his quote of the year. Drinks were anti-climatic, but I did run into him later on in the year WHILE I WAS PERFORMING STAND-UP COMEDY.
*update* THIS MAN IS NOW VERIFIED ON TWITTER AND WON AN EMMY FOR HIS NEWS PRODUCER WORK I’M FINE.
Quote of the year: “I didn’t want to talk to him, so I made out with him instead.”
Patricia is the famous alter ego of one of my best friends. She only comes out when it’s time to get crunk (sorry). After a terrible experience with Tinder (think finding out the guy is probably most likely gay), she famously made out with him just to avoid talking to him. And by famously, I mean I blogged about it.
#4 Every Uber Driver Ever
Quote of the year: “You remind me of my sister, so my first instinct is to tickle you.”
I love Uber so much except when I don’t and I don’t when Uber driver talks to me, look at me, or ask ME for directions. But I continue to use it because you know, transportation. I’ve had one Uber driver kick my friends and I out because we were too annoying, one pray for me, and one say the above quote. Help.
#3 Honest Joe
Quote of the year: “One in three men cheat at their bachelor parties.”
It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with Honest Joe. Whether it was his hair or his lisp or his honesty, he quickly became a standout in 2015. One night while telling my friends and I that all men are shit, he also said, “One in three men cheat at their bachelor parties.” My friend Augusta still has not stopped talking about it how disgusted she is.
#2 Urban Outfitters Employee
Quote of the year: “Wanna smoke some weed?”
I never blogged about this man creature, but he definitely deserves the award for No. 2. I met him at the Truckyard after deciding he was the most attractive male I had ever laid eyes on. Imagine if Justin Bieber and Harry Styles had a love child and then that man grew up and lived in Dallas and worked at Urban Outfitters. We engaged in a brief flirtation via text, and by that I mean I would ask him about sales at Urban Outfitters, and then like all good things, it fizzled out. HOWEVER, a few months ago I received a snapchat from him I cannot un-see and then he texted me this.
#1 Hot Neighbor
Quote of the year: “I don’t have a hammer, but I have a rock.”
Did you really think there would be a list about fascinating people without Hot Neighbor? Every day I’m simply amazed at the things that come out of his mouth and the things I catch him doing (like drawing a picture while shirtless on his balcony). But Hot Neighbor earns the #1 spot because not only is he hot and fascinating, but he can take a joke and enjoys this blog. He’s never gotten mad at anything and plays along. And that sir, is why you’re da real MVP.