EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.
ALERT YOUR MOM. ALERT YOUR MAID. ALERT PRETEEN YOU BECAUSE SHIZ JUST GOT REAL.
And by real, I mean some celebrity boy is now dating his longtime fangirl and preteen PMS is freaking tf out.
Why? Why???????? Are you seriously asking why????? Is anyone even reading this blog. Am I blogging to myself. Can someone hold me.
His name is Jake T. Austin and I have no idea who he is, but my roommate is very confident he was on Wizards of Waverly Place because she used to watch that show, but then she had the actual nerve to tell me she’s never seen any High School Musical film because she’s too good for them and I have to live with this monster. I can barely focus but I’m choosing to blog on. Thank u.
Let’s take it back about 11 years
Preteen PMS loved any famous boy who could carry a note. Aaron Carter? Yes. Jesse McCartney? HAIL YAS. Justin Timberlake? GET THA PREACHER, WE GON GET MARRIED. It’s hard to explain what being a preteen girl is like to men who have not experienced it but like you literally hate yourself and love any male who aren’t the boys in your class. Like, Aaron Carter was just as rotten as Tommy in class, but like he had earrings. And he beat Shaq. And he had that older brother who was dating Paris Hilton. Like, he was perfect.
So as a preteen, you spend the majority of your time researching him. What is his favorite color? Ok, I like blue, too. What does he do in his free time? Ok, I like basketball, too. Boxers or briefs? Ok, yeah, me too, totally. And the final question in every J-14 interview: Would you ever date a fan?
This was like the Babe Ruth of all questions. The big one. The truth-teller. If he would date a fan, then like, it was real.
And 99% of the time they said yes because they aren’t complete idiots even if they are teenage boys.
And from there, your world would change. They were yours. You suddenly became crazier than any Bachelor contestant ever. If he could just meet me and we could spend some time together, then we would date, I would become his road manager, and he would dedicate every love song to me ever.
And then when reality actually set in, your world crashed. It was over. Everything was over. Everything was a lie. Date a fan, my ass, you thought. Was Katie Cassidy a fan, Jesse McCartney???????? Or was she some C-list actress you picked up off the street???? Or was she some 70s child star’s daughter that was trying to make a name for herself???? Or was she just another pretty face?????? I thought you didn’t want that????? Huh, riddle me that, Jesse. RIDDLE ME THAT.
I’m still a little distraught over it but I’m choosing to continue to live my life. Thank you for your support.
Let’s take it back to now
But Jake T. Austin has changed the game and he didn’t even beat Shaq. Wow. That was a great joke. Comedians, call me if you need a writer. Jake T. Austin is dating an actual fan and I’m not talking about like a casual fan. She’s like a diehard fan, according to various media outlets. She made her Instagram private and my request to follow her is still pending, so please think about that during your nightly prayers.
|what has my life become.|
I respect her. I want to shake her hand. I want to start a fan club in her honor because, like, girl, you did it. You did it for preteens everywhere. Thank you. You are the real Chris Kyle.