I don’t play games

This is where I playfully say, “not even with boys’ hearts” and everyone laughs and says oh pms you are too funny and too cute and omg aren’t you to die for.

I really, really despise playing games. I’m the least competitive person I know, unless of course it’s something I think is important and I know I can beat someone else at (i.e. writing a story first, etc). But playing board games or drinking games or anything else is not my kind of fun.

Let’s explore how fun I am.

College was hard
If you are an American millennial or just an American or just a millennial, or probably a human being, then you know beer pong is a thing. That people play. For “fun.” For “entertainment.” As an “excuse to drink” because we apparently need those. There is nothing more PMS hates than a closed Krispy Kreme and then second to that is beer pong. Must we stand around and try to get a ball into a cup and then when it happens, you drink. So like who is the winner here???? Like do you want the other team to make it or not???? Why is it always bad beer???? Why do frat guys think this is fun??? Why am I questioning anything a frat guy does??? College was hard. Not because I never knew when an active shooter would show up on campus, but more because I never knew when I would walk into a party and some frat guy would yell at me, ‘Be my partner in beer pong!!!’ College was hard.

College church was harder
And then when I grew up and started going to church like a good girl, but still going to the occasional frat party because I’m not a monster and it was college, afterall, I learned that games literally never escape me. But the games with church people are sans alcohol so it’s 10 times worse. I will never forget one time I went over to a guy’s house because he was having a bunch of people over and I sat there and watched people play some Risk game. But it was like Lord of the Rings themed or something??? Honestly, I still have PTSD from it and I need counseling.

my boyfriends.

Dating is hard, too
Is there anything, honest to god, worse than learning that a guy you are seeing grew up without cable, so he and his family play games for fun? Like????? I’ve dated that guy. And it’s f**king terrifying. Like, what do you mean you grew up without cable? Can you just tell me instead that you’re gay or you don’t think white privilege is a thing or that you murdered someone? But please for the love of God, do not tell me your family thinks Monopoly is a legit form of entertainment. Please. I’ve been there. I’ve dated a guy who I thought was a decent human being until I saw how worked up he got playing a card game and how competitive his entire family is over whether Cousin Sue cheated during Clue. Can we just watch reality TV and talk shit about the contestants like a normal family??????? Like????

this game gives me nightmares.

Showers are hard
Not like rub a tub dub, but wedding and baby showers because the second a grown woman puts a melted Snickers inside a diaper and makes me smell or taste it, I burn the entire place down. I don’t even care. I grab a match and burn the diaper, the decorations, and the entire damn place down to the ground because I am a grown woman and I don’t play games.

Wedding showers are also hard because there’s always that one bridesmaid who wants to dress the bride in a toilet paper wedding dress and I have to stand there and cheer her on and pretend games are fun.

Let me know if you agree with me or if you think I’m the worst human ever.

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