I have never seen or read Harry Potter

what’s going on harry what’s happening where are we

*But I am reading Carly Simon’s memoir, so same thing.*

Y’all, it’s hard. It’s all so hard. If you would have told fifth grade PMS that Harry Potter was going to be such a staple in Millennial culture, then maybe MAYBE I would have picked up a book by JK Rowling for an AR test.

But like Rowling, I’m totally JK-ing (help). Because I was too obsessed with reading Helen Keller’s biography every chance I got.

Wow, bet you didn’t see that coming.

Let’s be more clear so there isn’t any confusion. I have never once cracked open a Harry Potter book. I’m not sure I’ve ever even held one. I’ve also never seen any of the movies. While all of y’all were busy standing in line for the 74th installment of the franchise, I was probably somewhere watching High School Musical for the 19th time because I know art.

Things I hear all the time slash things I hate hearing:

You would love it — oh?

It’s not that hard to understand — idk I’m kind of dumb

JK Rowling is a great writer — I’m sure she is

As a writer, you should read it — I’m reading Carly Simon’s memoir, ok

Harry Potter is based off Jesus, you would like it — so is Superman and Narnia and I haven’t seen either of those

Let’s just have a marathon and watch the movies one weekend — oh god, pls no no no

can we not and say we did.

I asked my HP-loving friends things I don’t get bc of my sans HP life and they wouldn’t shut up. They are still rattling off things. Here are some:

omg!! can’t believe ur doing that thing, woman!!

the word muggles — Augusta said this once and I thought it was something sexual I didn’t get

what it’s like to have parasocial relationships — idk what parasocial even means

the story of bravery and friendship — ok Ren McCormick in Footloose is pretty brave

mudblood — sounds like a TNT drama series

how hard it is to lose your twin brother — no, I don’t get that

the immense joy of seeing Molly Weasley kill Belatrix — who

owls, cats and rats and toads — I know about those animals, yes

the uncanny acting that is Helena Bonham Carter — idk who

A huge amount of time spent wondering what your patronus is — sounds like another dirty word

how hard it is being a half blood — like half-black?

how dementors actually explained to me what it means for someone to be depressed — oh. deep.

falling more in love with snape being in love with lilly than anything — didn’t snape die recently?

HATING JAMES POTTER — Harry’s dad?

questioning everything you thought you knew when you figured out snape’s background and real story — he died irl

having mixed feelings about dumbledore — thought dumbledore was a house. no?

Would I use the elder wand??? — to make urself older? sure

crying when harry named his son after snape and dumbledore and james — ok.

OH FUDGE DOBBY WHEN DOBBY DIED — rip i guess

wishing that it was harry and hermione together — love emma.

*35 minutes later, they are still sharing things.*