Who is Icky Bob Crain?

what happens when u google “icky bob crain”

Every second, every minute, every hour, my 99-year-old grandmother, YES 99 TAKE THAT IN, finds it appropriate to ask if I have a boyfriend.

But she doesn’t word it quite like that.

Instead, she says, “What does your boyfriend look like?” as if she’s going to trick me into confessing that I do secretly have a boyfriend that I refuse to tell her about.

Well, Granmary, if you’re reading this and I know you’re not because you’re 99 and don’t own a computer, so I don’t know why I even said that, I want you to know: no, I do not have a boyfriend.

It’s not like I have this secret amazing boyfriend who is good looking and charming and funny and plays the bass in his weekend band that I’m just hiding from you because he’s so perfect I don’t want to take him in sunlight and risk him melting. It’s not like that.

my boyfriend i’m hiding.

I told this to my grandmother, and then she asks, “There’s not even an Icky Bob Crain? You know, one you don’t really like? Every girl has to go through that phase.”

Icky Bob Crain???????????????????????????? Icky Bob Crain, who is that. Who is Bob Crain and why is he so icky? Is this some guy my grandmother dated back in the 15th century??? Bob Crain??? Is that a husband of hers I’ve forgotten about??? Help??????

I was confused and my entire family thought it was hilarious. They laughed and laughed and laughed and asked if I ever went to school. Then they informed me, it was ICHABOD CRANE, not Icky Bob Crain. Confusing. I know.

And then I was like OHHHHHHHHH!!!!

still don’t know who that is.

So, congrats, public education. Congrats, four-year university and piece of paper that says bachelor’s degree.

I have no effing clue who Ichabod Crane is or what his story is or anything. This is clearly public education’s fault and not mine because I was a perfect student and would have remembered a character named Ichabod Crane because I probably would have called him Icky Bob Crain because I’m hilarious and charming. Don’t know who this mystery Ichabod Crane is, but last night a guy made a George Glass joke, and I laughed hysterically because I fully understand all Brady Bunch references. Just not classic literature references.

*could not find gif from original series*

But seriously, we’re being serious now, if I had to read Sleepy Hollow in school, I must have slept through it (did you see what I did there). If you put an actual gun to my actual head and made me tell you what that book/movie/play/idon’tevenknow is about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Here’s how Ichabod Crane is described from the book: (I assume. I took this paragraph from Wikipedia, so CONGRATS ONCE AGAIN PUBLIC EDUCATION.)

“He was tall, but exceedingly lank, with narrow shoulders, long arms and legs, hands that dangled a mile out of his sleeves, feet that might have served for shovels, and his whole frame most loosely hung together. His head was small, and flat at top, with huge ears, large green glassy eyes and a long snipe nose, so that it looked like a weather-cock perched upon his spindle neck, to tell which way the wind blew.”

*google image searches Ichabod Crane*

OH YOU MEAN JOHNNY DEPP???????????????????!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!?????? 



congrats texas tech.

Oh, my roommate just told me the story of Sleepy Hollow and how he had a flirtation with one of his students, so I guess that’s what my grandmother meant. Still no Ichabod Crane in my life. Not have a secret love affair with my teacher or professor or boss or mailman.

Be sure to share this blog with all of ur high school english teachers. i wanna go viral for being dumb.

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