my dad and me.


It’s my dad’s birthday soon, so happy bday, Dad. My friends call him Ice, though, for reasons I’m literally too lazy to type out, but in honor of his birthday, I thought I would offer up some #ICEadvice.

Please get that trending.


These are just little things my father has taught me through the years, blah blah blah, I hope someone besides my dad is still reading this. I’ll try not to make it mushy or sappy, but funny. Bear with me, you can do this, #ICEadvice.

Also I texted my dad and asked him to send me a pic of him and me and he sent me these:

me interviewing scott pelley.
no idea.

my dad with random women he met in a bar. my mom took this photo.

my dad with a broadway dancer. she dated eric stonestreet from modern family.

“No one cares about your nails.”
Ahh, yes, Ice’s most famous line. Not really, but it’s one I like to remind myself when I’m spending too much time on my fingernails and then I remember no male ever has ever cared about my fingernails. Ice reminds me of that.

“Gwyneth Paltrow is a bitch.”
Listen, I think I’m pop culture knowledgable, but there was a time in my life when I didn’t know Gwyneth Paltrow’s reputation and that’s why TMZ will never hire me. It wasn’t until one day my father informed me that she is known as a bitch who everyone hates and then I googled it and he was right and you know that’s what dads are for.

“You can cook almost anything if you know how to cook hamburger meat.”
I wouldn’t know if this is true because I don’t cook anything, but I’m sure it’s great advice.

“Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who doesn’t want her.”
There was a time when wee little PMS was very distraught over Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards getting a divorce. I could not for the life of me wrap my head around Sheen and his big nose leaving Richards and her perfect face. And then my father told me that line, which he stole from someone else, and then I was like ah, you’re wise.

“Never piss off someone who buys ink by the barrel.”
He’s talking about journalists and writers. Don’t piss them off. They always have the last word.

“People try to make their job sound harder than it is.”
This is so true. Have you ever noticed that when people bitch about their jobs they try to make it sound way difficult? Or when you’re on a job interview, the interviewer is like, are you sure you can handle this, and you’re like i’m sorry, i didn’t realize i was launching a spaceship, i think i can handle this.

“Ever see an elephant get run over by a car?”
He says this and I don’t know if it has a deeper meaning, but I don’t think it does. I think it’s just his reasoning for why elephants are his favorite animal.

“You don’t have to explain to a guy why you don’t want to go out with him, just like a guy who doesn’t ask you out doesn’t have to explain to you why he never asked you out.”
Does this make sense? The hot af guy who never asked me out doesn’t need to explain to me why he never asked me out and I don’t have to explain to a guy why I said no when he asked me out. #ICEadvice.

That’s is. That’s everything.

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