Why Would Anyone Think I’m A Southern Belle, An Investigation

paige o’hara. photoshop by sassy neal at itsfineimfine.com

11:37 a.m. Saturday, June 18, IHOP, Frisco, Texas

“You’re the most southern belle girl I’ve ever dated.” -my boyfriend


After he declared this at IHOP over my waffles and maple syrup, I immediately asked WHO IS SHE, LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DATED OTHER GIRLS BEFORE ME, and secondly, how in the actual hell am I a southern belle?

who he’s dated in the past.

Reasons I Think He Probably Thinks I’m A Southern Belle

I was born in Texas (+20)
Yes, my birth certificate does state Texas was where I was born. He’s got me on that one.

I was on a drill team (+10)
And no, not like a military drill team. I’m not Cadey Kelly, don’t get it twisted. Drill team is a thing Southern girls do, more like Texas girls do. It’s a dance team, but not really dance because at halftime at high school football games, drill teams high kick and kind of march? And wear hats and boots and short little skirts? And there are lieutenants and captains and I was a lieutenant, not a big deal, but I was, you know just leading the drill team to greatness. Ok, it was a little Southern. A lil.

I was in a sorority in a Big 12 school (+30)
I did the chants and wore the oversized T-shirts and everything. And went through rush and got judged by the other sorority girls and everything. Like I wore a white dress for initiation and everything. I even had Luke Bryan’s “Sorority Girl” on my iPod and everything. It was tragic and everything. BUT in my defense, I only lasted two years in the sorority.

I have a Bible on my nightstand (+5)

reading the great book like the good southern belle i am

Does this make me a Southern Belle, though??? I mean really. I’m a Christian, but Northern girls can be Christian, too??? I’ve never said Bless your heart????

Meet Me In St. Louis is one of my favorite movies and I used to call myself Esther (+5)

Ok, this is a big one, but my boyfriend didn’t even know about this one until right now as he’s reading this. But that movie with Judy Garland– I used to be obsessed with it. Her character’s name was Esther and one day when I was like 5, I visited my grandmother’s church and told everyone my name was Esther and does that make me a Southern belle????????????? BUT ST. LOUIS ISN’T EVEN IN THE SOUTH, SO JUST WHEN I THINK I’M A SOUTHERN BELLE, I’M NOT, WHAT IS GEOGRAPHY, WHAT IS FIFTH GRADE EDUCATION.

I make him face the door at restaurants (+15)
I think this is the big one. The reason he thinks I’m some Southern belle who likes to be rescued. But I just like it when a man faces the door at a restaurant, so they’ll be shot first. Why is that weird???? Why is that selfish???? Why do you think I’m needy??????????????

85 points in favor of me being a Southern belle. BUT LET’S CONTINUE THE INVESTIGATION.

Reasons I Am Not And Would Be The Worst Southern Belle

do southern belles do this

I was not presented at a debutante ball (+10)
Listen, I didn’t even know those were real things. I thought that was just a thing you saw in Amanda Bynes movies. I’ve never been to one, I know no one who was in one, and I sure as hell have not been a part of one. Can you imagine me being presented to society in a white dress?????????

Speaking of white dresses, I hate weddings (+20)
Yes, you heard it here for the millionth time. I do not ~love~ weddings. I’m pretty sure Southern Belles have to have a dream book or bulletin board or at least Pinterest board of their dream wedding and I do not. I hate weddings and I hate brides and I hate everything associated with them, why is that weird.

I’ve never been on a horse (+15)
Don’t Southern belles know their way around a farm??? Or a ranch??? Are farms and ranches the same thing?? I DON’T KNOW. I’ve never been on a horse and if you asked me to identify farm animals in a criminal line-up, I wouldn’t be able to tell you the difference between a chicken and a rooster. Swear to god.

I dress delicate urban boho chic with a cat eye (+15)
My friend Augusta just described my style as this and I don’t know what it means exactly, but I do know I shop at Urban Outfitters like the tragic high school student I am and not at Ralph Lauren or Lacoste like a true Southern belle would. Also, I’ve never worn a dress to a college football game, which is like Southern belle 101 and I don’t put hairspray in my hair. I don’t even curl my hair ok.

I don’t have a crush on George W. Bush (+15)
I’m more of a Rick Perry girl myself. I’M KIDDING. But I’m not like fangirling for Dubya.

I ate chicken salad out of the container at a wedding shower instead of the delicate lil teacup (+20)
I don’t even remember this because I choose to black out when I’m at events that make people watch someone else open presents they know they’re going to get. But my friend Cayla apparently thinks I ate the delicious Market Street chicken salad directly out of the container instead of the precious little teacup we were handed.

96 points in favor of me NOT being a Southern belle. There you have it. Not a Southern belle. Thank you and bless your heart.

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