I’m sorry this is a day late, but at the same time, you need to realize I was doing the Lord’s work and reviewing a 98 Degrees concert last night. Yes, 98 Degrees.
Feel sorry for me.
I also really want to watch Difficult People right now, but instead, I’m doing this.
Feel sorry for me.
I also haven’t eaten dinner yet, but I will go on for the four people who read these recaps.
Alex (he’s the v short n tiny soldier) fears everything he’s been feeling is an illusion. LOL, laugh because it is. It’s all an illusion.
Chris Harrison walks into the hotel where the gentleman are staying and says that JoJo is a smart and independent lady, so the fact she gave roses to everyone last week must mean a lot. I hate to get technical here, but JoJo being described as a strong, independent woman seems like a stretch. She’s 24 and wants to be engaged after knowing someone for a couple of weeks. Is that what we’re calling independence these days.
Chris presents the date card and it’s for Alex. He is excited because finally he’ll know what JoJo thinks of him (besides that he’s tiny).
The date is they’re riding in a car to everyone’s next destination while the other guys have to ride in an old bus. I can’t think of a worse date.
Things I do in the car:
- read twitter
- think up blog ideas
- sing taylor swift karaoke
- pretend i’m in a music video
Things I don’t do in the car:
- go on a date
We are let in on their riveting date and we see they are doing normal things: like eating chips! They even make duck faces with their Pringles!
But we also get to see the bus ride with the other guys. And honestly, they look like they are having way more fun. They are rapping about JoJo and I have no idea how they were able to write this rap. Because none of these guys have that much talent. I’m sure of it.
Back with Alex. Alex is cute but he’s that guy who makes you watch videos of him working out. A GUY ACTUALLY MADE ME DO THIS ONE TIME AND I STILL HAVE PTSD OVER IT. WHO IS THE REAL WAR VETERAN HERE. NOT ALEX. IT’S ME.
Alex and JoJo arrive at their destination and they are in the countryside of Argentina and I wish I was more cultured and cared, but all trees look the same to me. The date is going so well that Alex comments on which trees he likes. JoJo pretends to agree.
Alex is dressed like a gaucho (?) and I have no idea what that is, but the TV tells me that’s what he’s dressed like, so ok. JoJo is in these chic as hell brown suede bell bottoms that I will hunt down on the internet and buy even if they’re $300. pray for bank account.
UPDATE I FOUND THEM.
UPDATE THEY ARE $300
BUT UPDATE THEY ARE ON SALE FOR $300 ORIGINALLY $1K
JoJo and Alex’s date has turned into a man kind of seducing a horse. There is no other way to say this. The man is putting the horse down, but not killing it, I don’t think. JoJo and Alex seem to be into it and then to prove they are into it, they go and lay down with the horse who is now on the ground. The horse isn’t dead, I don’t think, but just laying there.
Finally, they get to the nighttime portion of the date and they head into a little barn thing and there’s a random dog there. JoJo squeaks with excitement and it’s official that she’s more into the dog than Alex.
Alex, however, has never done well with context clues because he thinks he’s good to go. He tells the camera that he thinks if there was a rose on the date that he would get it. i love ignorance. i love ignorant men. i love it.
Back at the polo club with the other guys. A date card arrives and it’s for Jordan. Everyone is mad except Jordan.
Back at the date. Alex says he thinks he’s falling in love with JoJo and I’ve never seen a woman in more pain in my life. She’s literally at a loss for words.
But because she wants to respect the soldiers and is feeling patriotic, she sends Alex home right away because there’s nothing worse than leading an angry elf on. She pats herself on the back for doing this, but Alex is pissed.
Alex is mad. JoJo is scared. And I’m hungry. No one saw this coming. And yet everyone saw this coming.
My friend Augusta has a line about Alex that I simply cannot top and here it is:
“Alex is the guy who thinks you want his number after politely apologizing for accidentally bumping into him in a crowded bar.”
Here’s her recap, BUT PLEASE CONTINUE READING MINE.
Jordan’s one-on-one date
Jordan and JoJo hop in a private jet and set off to Mendoza, Argentina. Once again, I wish I cared more about location, but they could have been in Garland, Texas and I wouldn’t care.
JoJo is all over Jordan. Like a drunk girl at the Trophy Room all over her sober boyfriend. It’s painful to watch. I get she likes Jordan and eventually wants tickets to the Super Bowl, but girl, show some dignity. What little you have left.
Also read: I’m actually just jealous because if I had legs like JoJo’s, I would wrap them around every male, too.
With all that said, I regretfully tell you, readers, that I don’t believe Jordan is as into JoJo as she is into him.
like i swear on my life he just turned his cheek to her kiss
Tell me he didn’t.
Back at the hotel room. A date card comes and it’s a group date and Robby announces to America and the room that he thinks he’s a frontrunner. K.
Back at the date. It’s the dinner portion and this is a good time for Jordan to tell JoJo that those Super Bowl tickets won’t be happening because Jordan doesn’t actually have a relationship with Aaron Rodgers. So LOLOLOLOLOL. SORRY ABC. DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GONNA GET SOME GOOD AARON RODGERS FOOTAGE DURING THIS HOMETOWN DATE. LOLOLOLOL. Also there goes the Olivia Munn and JoJo Instagrams we were all wishing for. Life sucks.
To recover from the whole, “I don’t speak to my bro” and “He doesn’t even know I’m on this show right now” thing, Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her. And then they make out.
Group date. JoJo tells the guys that the rain rain just wouldn’t go away and the date has changed. So now the date is staying in the hotel room and playing games that you play with a youth group and it’s my worst actual nightmare.
See: I hate games.
It’s all youth group fun until it comes times to play truth or dare and Robby strips down. The best part is he pretends to be shy about it and keeps saying how is grandma is watching and yet he has no problem plopping JoJo on a pool table and kissing her. And also, he a former competitive swimmer. He’s been in speedos plenty of times. Please, Robby.
The rest of the episode is boring and I’m not just saying that because I paused it and went and got Whataburger and now I’m more entertained by the french fries in front of me. But basically all the guys think they are frontrunners and all the guys think that JoJo has the hots for just them. It’s cute really.
Robby gets the group date rose and I find this startling because Robby is so completely gay to me. And I can say this because I recently drank two margaritas and successfully convinced my roommate that her ex boyfriend is gay, so I’m kind of an expert on this subject.
Luke’s one-on-one date
It consists of riding horses. Like, I’m not kidding. That’s what they did. Luke is v boring and he was made even more boring by this date. Can you imagine a life with him.
There is no cocktail party because JoJo thinks she’s knows what she wants and she thinks she wants to send sweet James Taylor home.
“Someone’s gonna get heartbroken.” -James Taylor right before getting heartbroken. Foreshadowing. I love it.
Roses in order: Luke, Jordan, Chase.
James Taylor gets sent home and he is v nice about it all. Never seen anyone campaign for a Bachelor gig so hard before.