The Bachelorette Season Finale: Keep Dallas Pretentious

spoiler alert jojo picks jordan and they’re moving to dallas.

Whether this is the only recap you’re reading or the fifth recap you’re reading, we can all agree that we hate our lives. That’s unanimous. This was a long, tough season filled with love and heartbreak and boobs and Chad and I am v glad it’s over. I missed a few episodes because it was so boring, but I decided to end with a bang.

Bang bang.

Like the last 10 or so finales, there’s a live studio audience watching with host Chris Harrison moderating in between. Ben and Lauren B. are here to watch the woman Ben once loved pick a future husband. Lauren B. watches on and wonders if their new reality show is worth this kind of torture.

We meet JoJo somewhere. I don’t know because all places that aren’t my living room are the same to me. Robby and Jordan are meeting JoJo’s parents this week and if you remember from last season, JoJo’s brothers were brutally honest and JoJo’s mom drank straight from the champagne bottle and it was all so glorious.

Jordan’s date with the family
Jordan arrives with flowers and JoJo introduces him to the family. JoJo explains that everything is fun with Jordan and they have a banter. To prove he is the ultimate fun guy, Jordan pulls out ugly hats and makes the family wear them to “embarrass” them. Hey, Jordan. Maybe this is why your brother Aaron doesn’t come around anymore.

Soraya, JoJo’s mother, thinks Jordan is genuine and cares for JoJo and I’m wondering if all her plastic surgery has messed up her read on people. She makes Jordan promise her that he will never break JoJo’s heart. Jordan lies and says he promises.

from my dad.

Even with that kind of promise, a promise that literally nobody can keep, Soraya tells JoJo that they are too much alike.


my dad and me and our banter haha so fun haha so funny haha laugh

Jordan sits down JoJo’s dad, named Joe, so he is obviously in love with himself. Jordan didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand in marriage and JoJo is from the south, so I imagine that can’t be good.

You know what’s also not good? JoJo yelling “It went so good” to Jordan as he leaves because a) grammar and b) it so did not go good, JoJo.

Robby’s date with the family
Robby arrives with flowers and they are bigger than the flowers Jordan arrived with because Robby is gayer and proves it with his flower selection.

Soon it’s clear everyone has the worst gaydar ever because everyone loves Robby. They think he’s Jesus. They think he’s the best man in the world, which makes you really wonder what kind of scum JoJo has brought home in the past.

Robby fools everyone and sits Joe and Soraya down to ask for JoJo’s hand in marriage. They are so taken aback and floored by this kind of gesture and part of me thinks it’s because Robby is using JoJo’s real name. They give her hand away to this gay stranger and Joe begins crying.

The verdict is in. Soraya loves Robby. Joe loves Robby. The Attractive Brother loves Robby. The Less Hot Brother loves Robby. The random silent girl in all the shots that has nothing to say, but we can assume she also loves Robby. The choice is obvious. Robby, Robby, Robby. But JoJo isn’t so positive. What’s the matter with Jordan? It’s revealed he didn’t ask for her hand. JoJo is upset. There is crying. There is arguing. There is no champagne to grab and it’s stressful.

Date with Robby
JoJo and Robby meet up at the beach and play in the water and sit on the sand and talk. It’s perfect. JoJo asks Robby what he envisions and he goes on about sitting on the couch while the meatloaf cooks in the oven while their kids play in the other room and honestly, it’s perfect. I’m big on words, so like I’m in love with Robby now.

To show how perfect his words were, JoJo straddles him and makes out with him.

Nighttime portion with Robby
Robby continues saying perfect things and tells JoJo how in love with her he is and how when he’s out with his buddies playing 18 holes, he’ll be blowing up her phone. That’s all a Millennial girl wants. A guy “out having fun” while still having a miserable time because they miss her so much. We don’t ask for a lot just everything.

Honestly do I love Robby. Do I love Robby????????????????????????

Date with Jordan
It’s doesn’t matter if everyone loves Robby because Jordan was once a football player and JoJo loves his football player body. The kind that is top heavy with tiny legs. For their date, they canoe and JoJo reveals she is fearful. They sit on a beach and JoJo questions Jordan on why he didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand. She looks drunk. I wish I was drunk. She says she is scared. I am scared.

Nighttime portion with Jordan
They continue mulling over the fact that Jordan didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand. To JoJo, this is worse than Donald Trump becoming president. To Jordan, this is him trying to tell her he’s just not that into it, while also keeping airtime. He says words to try to prove to JoJo that he cares, but JoJo and her white sweater are skeptical.

Does she make the logical decision and go with Robby or does she completely disregard her gut, her family, her well-being, her common sense and go with Jordan??????

Neil Lane time
It’s time for both men to pick out one Neil Lane diamond ring to propose to JoJo. Robby picks out a terrible looking ring but what do I know. I don’t have a secret wedding Pinterest board, so don’t listen to my opinion.

Before Jordan picks out his ring for JoJo, he calls Joe and Soraya and freaking asks for permission. He already spent the night with her in the Fantasy Suite, but please ask them for permission before marrying her.

Jordan picks out a ring that I like better.

Day of
JoJo wakes up and says she had a moment of clarity, which is convenient timing. She answers a knock on her hotel room door and reads a letter from Jordan. She cries. Then she reads a letter from Robby. She cries. I can’t tell if they are happy tears or sad tears. But her Texan accent is coming out, so that can’t be good. She says she feels like she’s having a panic attack and I hope I have a panic attack on the day I get engaged. That would mean I was doing something right.

Jordan and Robby get ready. Not together. But JoJo does have a type.

Final Rose Time
Robby gets out of the limo first, which means he is donezo. He begins telling JoJo how much he loves her and she doesn’t even let him finish before she starts crying and breaking up with him. She is crying. Robby is shocked. My dad can’t watch. The live studio audience is silent.

they say it all. and yet nothing at all.

Robby is all:

JoJo is all:

Then Jordan gets out of the limo.

JoJo is all:

Jordan proposes.

I’m all:
Then there was the After the Final Rose, where JoJo and Jordan lied and said their relationship is fine. Jordan is moving to Dallas and I will find it and report back.

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