It’s a typical evening at home with bae when the preview for the hottest blockbuster of the summer* comes on and you must remain calm.
*It’s a move literally no one has ever heard of, but it has the best actor of your generation in it.**
**He has never been in a movie worth a damn but damn, look at him.
It’s Chris Pine’s newest movie that no one will remember in six months, but you have to see it because Chris Pine is beautiful. Amazing. Intelligent. Beautiful. Often imitated. Never equalled. Possibly funny but who knows because beautiful.
You must convince someone to take you to see that movie. Convince your boyfriend. Convince him you wanna see this movie because of its plot. Yes, its plot. Not Chris Pine’s face/body. The plot.
“We should go see Hell or High Water!!!”
He’ll look at you with suspicious eyes, you’ll say WAT, then he’ll say, you hate movies! and you’ll say that’s not true!!! I love Westerns!!! Be sure to look really cute and confused when saying this.
“I love Westerns!”
He might fight back with some nonsense about how your favorite movie is Footloose, the 2011 one, not even the Kevin Bacon one. This is where it’s important to say that Footloose is actually a lot like a Western because they have to go to battle with the town for the right to dance and you think that’s what Westerns are about. Going to battle. It’s a Western in disguise. He might also correct you and tell you that Hell or High Water isn’t actually a Western, just a movie that appears to take place in West Texas, but tomato, tomato.
“Jeff Bridges is in it!”
He’s a great actor and you know this because of that baseball movie he was in with Justin Timberlake that went straight to DVD. And also because of that movie The Giver that you only went to see because Taylor Swift was in it. Jeff Bridges!!!! What an actor, though!!!!
“Did you hear that ‘that’s what she said’ joke in the beginning! You love comedies!”
At the beginning of this trailer, a ‘that’s what she said’ joke is uttered and it’s as bad and tragic as the time your college frat boyfriend said it in front of your friends. But don’t tell your current boyfriend that!! Tell him the movie has comedy-esque vibes to it and you think he would really enjoy it because comedy! Daniel Tosh! Aziz Ansari! Comedy! Everyone loves to laugh! Haha!
Good luck. Do as I say and report back and see if it works.