|ho ho ho|
Wow, can you believe it’s already Christmas time. I can because my seasonal depression is in full swing and also it’s December, so I’m expecting Christmas to be here on the 25th of this month. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good with time/reading a calendar.
But if you’re also like me, then one of your recurring nightmares is it’s Christmas Eve and you don’t have any presents bought, but your sister has everyone’s presents bought and you feel like a failure compared to your sister. But I’m doing my best to make sure that nightmare doesn’t become a reality. How? I’m buying presents before Christmas Eve this year.
I know what some of you are thinking. Wow, I wonder what she’s buying everyone for Christmas. And I’m going to let you in to my world and tell you what I’m buying everyone for Christmas. This is insider shit. Thank you and you’re welcome.
What to buy ur dad
a pocket knife, Andy Griffith Show on DVD, don’t buy him a Netflix subscription even though all seasons of The Wonder Years are on Netflix and that’s his all-time favorite show, he still won’t like Netflix, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders calendar, but photoshop his favorite cheerleader on to all the other cheerleaders’ bodies, tequila.
What to buy ur mom
jeans that actually fit her bc your mom is convinced she’s a size 36 when really she’s a size 6, $5 pink wine, pajamas so she’s comfortable when she goes to bed at 8 p.m., shoes that also fit you so you can steal
What to buy ur sister
steve madden boots but put them in a stuart weitzman box, makeup, a candle from athro, something cashmere, chocolate so she’ll get fat
What to buy ur boyfriend
|aka a way for him to carry u in his pocket|
concert tickets so he feels obligated to take you, comedy tickets so he feels obligated to take you, gift card to a restaurant so he feels obligated to take you, carriage ride through highland park so he feels obligated to take you, couples massage, surgery to become conjoined twins
What to buy ur brother
See “What to buy ur boyfriend” bc I know you all looooove your brothers.
What to buy ur/their child
What to buy the 12-year-old boy in ur life
This one is challenging personally bc like what do 12-year-old boys do in their spare time????? Don’t answer that????? Gross?????? So just buy them a video game, it doesn’t matter what console it plays on, just pick one, or buy them a poster of Farrah Fawcett bc she never goes out of style.
There you have it, that’s it. Tweet me your receipts so I know you followed my instructions.