|stole this from twitter user @emmaladyrose|
Tonight’s episode is two hours and then a Women Tell All. Please pray. I’m already exhausted.
We meet with Raven and Nick the morning after their fantasy suite. The night before Raven told all of America that she had never been satisfied by a man. #sorrydad. Then the next morning, she looks at the camera and says, “Let’s just say Nick is really good at what he does.”
Then there is a montage of Raven skipping through Finland, like that scene straight out of 500 Days of Summer. I hate the producer that put that package together.
Rachel and Nick go cross-country skiing. Rachel tells us she doesn’t even know what that is because I’m pretty sure only white people ski. Like, have you ever seen a black person skiing? No because only white people openly choose torture.
Then they find reindeer and start feeding them. Rachel makes a Santa joke and don’t quit your day job, Rachel. No offense.
Rachel tells Nick she’s scared to fall in love, but Nick reassures her. Honestly, I’m not sure what was said because my roommate and I began talking about her gay ex-boyfriend. But Rachel is floored Nick reassured her and said something sweet. He says to her, “I might be white, but I’m still a minority.”
I hate everyone.
She tells Nick she is falling in love with him. He reciprocates. They make out and head to the bed to make out some more, I’m sure.
Here’s the thing. I’m sure someone has said this somewhere before, but I can see why everyone thinks they’re in love with him. They are in a foreign place where they don’t know anyone and the one person who is there for them is Nick. Nick feels like home without actually being or really resembling home. So they yearn for it. Thank you. I’m a therapist now.
They wake up the next morning and Nick makes them breakfast. She’s wearing a penguin onesie, which makes me think they didn’t do it.
Nick makes them take an ice bath. They literally get in their swimsuits and walk across the snow barefoot and get in an ice bath.
Vanessa cusses a lot for a special ed teacher.
They do it like three times. It looks miserable. Then they go to the hot tub.
The conversation is kind of hard. Vanessa isn’t willing to compromise on seeing her family three hours per week. I’m no geography expert, but Vanessa lives in Canada and Nick lives in LA. Also, like, is there no compromise here???? Maybe this is why you’re single, Vanessa???? You work eight-plus hours a day during the week, and three hours of your Sunday is devoted to your family??? So Nick gets Saturday?? I mean, I don’t know about Vanessa, but my Sundays are like three hours long. There’s a lot of sleeping and a lot of TV, so Sunday is gone. She probably goes to bed at 9 on weeknights, like me. So Nick gets Saturday. Great. This seems good. Good luck.
Nick is proud to be an American. Vanessa is proud to be a Canadian. I have an idea because I’m a marriage counselor. Move to Mexico, get away from Vanessa’s family, and start a new life.
Vanessa only wants to be engaged once.
She tells Nick she loves him then they go to the bed and snuggle, I’m sure.
JK. I’m pretty sure we saw Vanessa sans shirt in the bed. I was too busy eating Cadbury eggs to be sure.
Rose ceremony time.
Nick is crying. Roses go to: Raven and Vanessa.
Rachel goes home and no one is shocked and yet no one really understands why. It’s probably the penguin onesie. She’s wearing a prom dress but whatever. She’s the next Bachelorette.
I did not blog Women Tell All, but if this blog post gets 10 likes on Facebook, I will.