|i stole this from mine and augusta’s satire fashion blog IG|
I have something to announce.
I’ve been working out.
And by working out, I mean I have gone to SoulCycle a total of five times so I am technically an expert on all things stationary bikes, white women on stationary bikes, and gay men yelling at white women on stationary bikes.
Here are my thoughts:
Congrats, you are an over-achiever
To the people who pedal before class even begins: Congratulations. I am so proud of you. I want to hand carve you a trophy from the gold of my grandmother’s favorite necklace. You are so special. You probably also went to office hours in college and participated in labs to help the professor on their thesis. Congratulations.
Please never say my name
I will sooner lay myself down on a DART track than ever introduce myself to any SoulCycle instructor, thus opening up the possibility of a SoulCycle instructor ever saying my name during class or ever saying “Yeah, Paige!” or “Paige, give me more!” or “Paige, show me what you got.” No.
White women will truly buy into anything they consider chic
Bikes are not hard to come by. There’s a bike on every damn street corner in Dallas just begging to be used. There are stationary bikes in every possible gym. If we really wanted to, we could just go to one SoulCycle class and then copy it at home. But white women will literally buy into any kind of brand they consider chic. Stationary bike in a gym? No. $30 SoulCycle class once a week? And we can buy workout merch that says SoulCycle? And we can pay $3 each workout for the pair of shoes we have to have for the workout? And another $3 for a bottle of water? SIGN US UP. ihateus
I never know when it’s sprint time
The SoulCycle instructor does this thing where we’re sitting on the bike seats (in the saddle is what they call it, idk why, is that the technical term? idk) and then we stand up and pedal but I never know if I should be sprinting or just, you know, pedaling. Sometimes I rely on the tempo of the music to tell me but sometimes I start sprinting and I’m worn out in six seconds and then I have to sit back down and I realize everyone else in the room is going normal speed and it’s embarrassing. I would just like a nice SPRINT yelled when it’s time. Thanks.
A SoulCycle instructor one time played R. Kelly and I didn’t walk out.
She even said “Who doesn’t love R. Kelly?” and I was like, I can think of a few people.
The actual worst part of the entire SoulCycle class is getting your stuff from the lockers
Yes, SoulCycle is difficult. Yes, I swear I’m gonna pass out every time. Yes, I sweat through my shirt every time. But nothing, and I mean nothing, is worse than exiting the dark room of SoulCycle and entering the bright lobby area filled with lockers. You are immediately put in close quarters with other miserably sweaty women just trying to get their stuff from their locker. And then everyone is huddled around the bins where you put your gross shoes and gross towels in. Everyone’s faces are red. Everyone’s hair is wet. Everyone smells. Some people wanna chat. Some people wanna chat in front of your locker. Some people wanna get murdered by me.
I’m pretty sure my friend Augusta was gonna write something like this but you know the spring chicken gets the worm. I’m sure she will though and it will be 10x better bye.