A Timeline Of My Daniel-Tosh-Is-Married Meltdown


I’m not ok. But I’m smiling through the tears.

7:06 p.m. PST May 7, 2019
Tosh.0 is on. It’s an episode I haven’t seen.

7:11 p.m.
I spy a silver ring on his left hand ring finger.

7:12 p.m.
I tweet.

I continue watching the episode. I smile throughout. I love Daniel Tosh. He was the first comedian I fell in love with. I love him. I love this show. Why did I ever stop watching it? It’s so good.

I bet the ring on his finger is some kind of gag. Like the season of Brad Pitt characters. Or cabin couture. Or athleisure. I bet this is the season of wedding rings.

7:16 p.m.
I’m going to google it just to make sure.

7:17 p.m.
Daniel Tosh is married.

I tweet.

I post a Facebook status.

I immediately recognize the name of the wife. She’s a writer for the show. I remember tweeting her once.

I remember Daniel Tosh tweeting me once.

I try to find the time Daniel Tosh tweeted me.

He’s deleted all his tweets. 🙂

I’m not ok. 🙂

Will I ever be ok. 🙂

The only person around is my boyfriend and I can’t exactly tell him how upset I am that another comedian is married.

7:32 p.m.
I find an old screenshot of the time Daniel Tosh tweeted me.

7:41 p.m.
I tweet a photo of his wife saying “Good thing she’s extremely ugly.”

7:55 p.m.
My friend DMs me on Twitter asking who I am publicly shaming. I tell her it’s obviously sarcastic, like obviously the wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and my world is falling apart.

7:57 p.m.
I reply to my tweet, making it clear I’m kidding just in case the wife finds it, like that one time Kliff Kingsbury’s girlfriend found my tweets about her.

Undetermined time
I go to sleep.

I dream that I met Daniel Tosh and his wife. Daniel Tosh was so old he had to walk with a cane. I tell the wife that I had a Twitter meltdown over the marriage. She laughs. She tells Daniel. Daniel comes out of his bedroom with his cane and laughs at me having a meltdown.

I wake up.

10:52 a.m. PST May 8, 2019
I tweet that it wasn’t a nightmare, Daniel Tosh is really married.

10:53 a.m. 
My boyfriend replies to my tweet saying it’s tough being single.

I wonder if he’s actually mad at me. I offer to delete the tweet.

Turns out he’s not actually mad.

I stop talking and tweeting about Daniel Tosh around him. I do all my investigating silently.

I find the wife’s blog. I read it. I decide I’m just as funny as she is.

I convince myself that I also could write for a comedy television show. I tell all of my friends this. They encourage my wild dreams.

I google the wife once more. I find a photo of her wearing bootcut jeans. Men truly don’t care about fashion, just good faces, it’s amazing. I find out that they got secretly married three years ago and nobody knew. There are no wedding photos. There is absolutely no evidence of this except that the wife now uses Tosh as a last name when she’s credited on Brooklyn 99, the TV show she writes for.

I try to put it behind me. This blog is my goodbye. I will always love you, Daniel Tosh.

I also love my boyfriend, another comedian.

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