My Friends Want Me To Blog The TL;DR of Jessica Simpson’s Book

John Mayer is bad and Ellen is mean and other things.

I am doing this for my four friends and maybe the other three people who are mildly interested in Jessica Simpson’s life but not enough to spend $14 on her book.

I feel you, but I do not understand because I’ve been waiting for this book my entire life.

I love Jessica Simpson. She’s on my list of fantasy dinner party guests. My top five celebrities. When others worshipped Spears and Aguilera, I was all in on Simpson. Beauty. Grace. Blond. Virgin. I love her.

Anyway, her memoir came out and it’s called Open Book and I did not take notes while I was reading it because I did not think I was going to blog about it, but here we are!!!!! I will try to remember the interesting parts!!!!!!

1. Jessica Simpson is the biggest church girl
Like, I’m not even convinced her father, the actual youth minister in the family, was really all in on the God thing. I read it as sort of he took a job as a youth minister because he needed to pay the bills. But boy oh boy, Jess believed and she quotes scripture throughout the book. She was like that girl in high school who was always asking you to come to church.

2. Her father really did not want her to marry Nick
She writes that Joe was mopey during the rehearsal dinner and told her before they walked down the aisle that she didn’t have to do this. He thought she was too young and I suspect he wasn’t ready to not be the only man in her life. But Jess writes that she wanted to marry Nick and she’s glad she did.

3. Nick is not that innocent!!!!!!!!
Despite what my father might say or think (he always wanted one of his daughters to marry Nick Lachey), he was not innocent in the downfall of their marriage. The media portrayed it like Jess left him and she certainly did, but he shouldn’t have been shocked. They weren’t speaking to each other and Nick would often leave her for days at a time and not answer his phone.

4. They thought there were hidden cameras in their house
Yes, after Newlyweds wrapped and Jess and Nick were fighting more than ever, they would go outside to yell at each other. She writes that the tabloids hit the nail on the head too well that they assumed MTV still had cameras in their home. Nick thought Jess’s friends were leaking to the press and she thought his friends were.

5. She had an emotional affair with Johnny Knoxville
While they were shooting some movie and while she was still married to Nick. It never turned physical.

6. We must end John Mayer.

I cannot stress this enough but just listen to Dear John by Taylor Alison Swift. She warned us all along. Jess basically says the same thing about John in her book. He was manipulative. She never felt smart enough for him and they were toxic for each other. When she was dating Tony Romo, John went to Jess’s parents’ house to profess his love for Jess and basically propose marriage. Her parents were all in and thought Jess should be with John. This was after they had broken up and gotten back together about eight times. Tony saw an email from John in Jess’s phone and broke up with her. Jess went to John’s house, expecting to get back together with him and he said now, wait a minute. He was horrible.

7. Tony Romo wouldn’t let Jess star in any movies where she had to kiss a lead actor

Tony was kind of old school and kind of the most normal but also kind of not. She said he lived like a frat guy.

8. Jess was a size 4 when she was fat shamed.
Like, I’m truly not well.

9. Her father is kind of awful, but like we already knew that.
Twice, he told Jess he wanted to leave Jess’s mom. Right before she boarded a plane and told him to release a statement that she and Nick were divorcing and right before she was about to get a c-section for her first baby.

10. Eric Johnson, her now husband, left her naked in bed to attend a Marianne Williamson conference.

I am done.

Honorable mentions:

Ellen is mean.

When Jessica Simpson appeared on Ellen, she writes that she was drunk because she had a drinking problem. After the segment ended, Ellen did not look at her. I have always heard Ellen is an awful person and this just confirms it!!!!

Her dad brought a young male model to her second wedding.

This is the best part of the whole book, where Jess tells her dad to give Nick the money he wanted from the divorce.

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