My Very In-Depth Review of Sean Lowe’s Book

It’s sad how many biography books I’ve read. I had never opened a Harry Potter, Twilight, or Hunger Games book, but I’ve read a book by Alyssa Milano about being a baseball fan. k.

i have literally read this book what is the matter with me.

After reading Sean Lowe’s book, I was able to rank it with other similar books.

Very Informative Ranking Of Books By Celebrities Who Also Happen To Be Christian:

  1. Justin Bieber’s mom’s book (This is a great book and I suggest everyone read it. This woman is a saint for multiple reasons.)
  2. Josh Hamilton (I mean we know his story, but the part where he see the devil in the clouds gives me chills.)
  3. Kate Plus 8 (Don’t hate, but I remember her walk with God being pretty cool.)
  4. Sean Lowe (I’ve read better, I’ve read worse.)
  5. The Vow (The book before the movie. It was faith-based and 100-times better than the movie. Sue me.)
  6. Tim Tebow (Holy moly, this book was boring. Like, do some drugs or something because I’m bored. I’m reading and sleeping, reading and sleeping.)
  7. 19 Kids and Counting (And by boring, nothing will beat this book. Because it was the actual worst.)

This book was mainly boring but yolo I read it. I asked y’all to ask me questions and I would answer them, but y’all’s questions were so dumb, I actually sat down to watch an episode of Teen Mom just so I could feel smarter. However, the book had some interesting points.

  • Did you know during Brad Womack’s first season, he got ahold of a cellphone and called his ex and begged for her back? And that’s why he didn’t choose either girl. Does anyone remember Brad Womack’s first season? Does anyone remember Brad Womack B.E.M. (before emily maynard i’m good at acronyms)
  • Sean dated Brooke, a former DCC, and somehow managed to let her get away. Let’s take a moment to just look at Brooke.
if you watch dcc making the team like i do, then you know she almost didn’t make it because she was too fat hahaha murder me.

  • Now Brooke is married to Laynce Nix and no, I didn’t spell his name wrong. He spells it like that, so there’s that. I’ve met Laynce before at some baseball signing. I was like 14. I remember him being really dumb. I also think I’ve met Brooke but don’t like hold me to that. I’ve also met Sean, so I practically wrote this book.

    14 was hard.


    • In the book, Sean tells us about his Bachelorette experience and how he fell in love with Emily and blah blah blah. Nothing super interesting happened EXCEPT, you know how Emily made it seem like she turned down the fantasy suite card for Sean? Well, that was just for the cameras. They really spent alone time together and after Emily filmed one of her one-on-one interviews with the producers, she walked back into the room, looking for Sean and said, “Where’s my boyfriend?” AND THEN SHE DUMPED HIM THE NEXT ROSE CEREMONY. Like, ok then.
    • He talks a lot about production and filming and how close they all get with the producers. He said the producers pick the order of the guys when they come out of the limos the first night. The first guy/girl is someone who the producers think have a shot at winning. Sean was the first out during Emily’s season. Other firsts:
      • Chantal who was the runner-up during Brad’s second season
      • Britt who got the first impression rose from Chris
      • I can’t think of any others but you get the point ok.
    • We also learned one of the reasons he sent AshLee home was because she was a little fame hungry. During their fantasy suite, she suggested they star in a reality show after getting off The Bachelor. He saw this as a red flag because yeah, that’s weird.

    she looks mad tbh.

    • He says in the book that he literally didn’t know who he was going to choose until the day before. Lindsay had the faith and Catherine had the fun.

    STORY OF MY ACTUAL LIFE. Do you date the guy who you actually like being around or do you date the Christian who can’t take a joke???????????????????

    • Anyway, he spent all the time with Catherine and then was like, I don’t know if she even loves Jesus and I’m like ok, I remember my first relationship. Like, how did that happen? How did you spend all that time with her and say faith is the most important part of your life and then be like, I think I’m going to propose to her, but does she even love Jesus?????????????? k.
    • So then they get proposed and everything is grand until literally a minute later when Sean decides to go on Dancing With The Stars and basically kill their relationship. They both move to LA and Catherine gives up everything for him. She was some badass graphic designer in Seattle, who was a vegan and probably drank out of a Nalgene and then this Texan Sean guy is like hey, let’s get married and you need to watch me compete on DWTS. And she did it. Anyway, they had troubles, but they worked through it and they got married and blah blah blah.

    SPOILER ALERT: Catherine ends up getting saved and everything works out and I remember my first happy marriage.

    catherine is cool.

    Anyway, all in all this book was fine. I can’t really complain considering Sean signed it the way I asked him. God bless our troops.

    Nov. 29 was the worst day of my life

    Moving is exciting and scary and there are a lot of emotions that come along with it. Nov. 29 was the longest day of my life and almost the worst day of my life (right behind the day Hostess went out of business slash took a break slash broke my heart).
    I’m not going to bore you with intro banter. Read below to catch a glimpse into my nightmare.
    Don’t always believe apartment complexes
    If an apartment complex tells you to move in at 10 a.m. Nov. 29, don’t jump to any conclusions. They might have just put that time and date on a piece of paper for the looks of it all. Upon arriving at the apartment complex at 10 a.m. Nov. 29, the leasing office was closed. After five voicemails, 25 phone calls, six text messages, and a lot of prayer between Kassidy Ketron and I, we still got nowhere. But sometimes you just need to call in the big guns (Brittney Skinner) to enlist some help.
    God bless Brittney Skinner
    God bless her. While she was helping me move in (we convinced a maintenance men to give us keys), we accidentally saw the property manager walking back to her apartment. Brittney verbally abused her like she was a journalist questioning O.J. Simpson. She was mean. The property manager was scared. I was scared. Brittney mentally and emotionally knocked her down until she couldn’t get back up and handed over what we needed and took some money off our first month’s rent.
    my sis to property manager.
    Boys will do just about anything for beer and God bless them
    I want to thank Michael, Tyler, Derek, and Joseph for helping us move. They might not be characters from the Bible, but God still blessed them. They lifted and moved and didn’t even complain and I love them for that. They were rewarded with beer because boys like beer and this is a fact.
    God bless Brittney Skinner (again)
    She’s either really mean or really nice and I got to see both sides of her on moving day. While the boys and I were moving all of Kassidy’s stuff, Brittney was setting up my room. It might have been because she knows I can’t decorate. It might have been because she’s a control freak. It might have been because she didn’t want to do any heavy lifting. Or I guess it just could have been that she’s really effing nice. Whatever it was, I’m all unpacked and Kassidy is still unpacking while I write this blog.
    Prayers for Paige
    I just need everyone’s prayers right now. Upon plugging in my 20-year-old TV and straightening its antennas, I found out that I get absolutely no channels. No channel 4. No channel 5. That means no Wendy Williams. No Jimmy Fallon. No Seth Meyers. That means I will be alone with my thoughts and this blog until I can figure something out. It’s just tough. I just need privacy. I need your thoughts. #PrayersForPaige
    The first grocery trip
    There’s nothing like a new Target. It smells different. The paper towels aren’t by the groceries. There isn’t a dorm section so I can buy a cheap mirror. It’s also a completely different demographic than my Target in Garland. It’s a bunch of white people in jogging shoes and spandex pants who don’t buy Hostess donuts and like to make you feel bad about it. There’s also a cop standing by the exit to make sure no one steals anything and I’m like, Oh????? All these rich Uptown people need to steal some toilet paper????? K. It’s very, very, very tragic and I felt out of place.
    people in uptown’s target while grocery shopping.
    The first shower
    It’s scary. You don’t know what to expect. Figuring out all of the knobs and which way goes which way is terrifying. I’m naked and afraid. And you never know which one is making it hot because it takes forever to heat up. So I stood there for 3 minutes waiting for the water to get hot but it never did because it was on cold. And then the big boom. When I made it go from bath to shower. This is scarier than opening a can of cinnamon rolls. I shouted. I might have cussed, I don’t remember.
    The water was aggressive. And hard. And forceful. It wasn’t delicate like I am. It said BAM, I’M HERE TO CLEAN and I was scared. Frightened even.
    Then when it came time to turn off the shower, it was like the beginning all over again. I didn’t know which way to turn the knobs. I actually thought for sure I had broken a knob and was never going to get it fixed. Well this is it, I thought. I’m never going to get the water to shut off and it’s going to overflow and water will leak into our downstairs neighbor’s apartment and is this why we need renters insurance and why does this day keep getting worse and do I have enough towels to clean this up and if I go to Target now, I can buy a bunch of paper towels to soak it all up and make it back in time before it’s completely overflown. I managed to turn it off.
    The first night
    I was bored. We didn’t have TV or Internet. I wrote a little and then I was bored again. I crawled into Kassidy’s bed with her dog. We laughed about the day and how tragic it all was. We told each other about the voicemails we left the apartment complex. We cringed but justified it with the fact that we were angry. Kassidy and Winston eventually fell asleep and one of them started snoring. I’ll let you do the concluding about which one it was. I snuck out of the room and headed to my bed. The wall on my bedroom is by the outside and you can pretty much here anything and everything. Including a couple fighting at 3 a.m.
    “That’s not the point. The point is that you did.” – a great first line to a murder mystery novel I’ll eventually write
    I had to go to Starbucks to post this blog because we don’t have WiFi yet. Tragic, I tell you. Tragic.

    25 Easy Steps for Buying Aaron Carter Concert Tickets

    Buying concert tickets for a washed-up child star is challenging and I don’t want you to think otherwise.

    Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to do it.

    Step one: Fall in love with Aaron Carter when you’re 11 years old
    Watch and then re-watch the Lizzie McGuire Christmas episode featuring AC and wonder why you aren’t Hilary Duff. Also, begin planning for family Christmases with Aaron and his brother, Nick Carter, and Nick’s girlfriend Paris Hilton.

    Step two: Forget about him
    Move on to Justin Timberlake, Jesse McCartney, Harry Styles, Jimmy Fallon, the boy who sat in front of you in class…

    Step three: Watch House of Carters and wonder where it all went wrong

    quality programming.

    Step four: Obtain a degree from a university and still have the brain cells of an 11-year-old who wants to go to an Aaron Carter concert
    Kent Hance would be proud. #DreamNoLittleDreams

    photo by brad tollefson

    Step five: Convince your friends to attend the concert with you
    They will moan and groan, but you will prevail because you are a magician who can convince your friends to do anything in the name of a good time and a possibly-entertaining blog post.

    Step six: Remind your friends every day that we need to buy the tickets
    They will become annoyed with you, but you know only the squeaky wheel gets fixed.

    Step seven: Decide on a time and date when you’re going to buy the tickets
    Mark it in your calendar because you mean business.

    Step eight: Bribe your friend that you will buy her ticket for her birthday


    Step nine: Log into the House of Blues website

    Step 10: Select two tickets and enter your information in the less than 5-minute limit
    Your heart will be racing because of the countdown in the bottom righthand corner telling you your time is almost up.

    Step 11: Sweat a lot

    Step 12: Have the site tell you something is wrong
    The website won’t tell you which piece of information is wrong. It will just tell you something is wrong.

    Step 13: Try again
    Then fail.

    Step 14: Try again

    Step 15: Tweet Live Nation

    Step 16: Try one more time
    Begin to question life, love, liberty, the pursuit of Aaron Carter tickets.

    Step 17: Log onto StubHub to buy tickets through them
    Realize StubHub is selling Aaron Carter tickets for twice as much because there’s nothing like idiotic white girls who would buy surged AC tickets.

    Step 18: Text your friends

    Step 19: Cuss a lot
    A lot.

    Step 20: Consider stealing your parents’s credit card
    They’ll never notice a random charge of $40 on their bill, you think to yourself, wiping away the tears.

    Step 21: Call House of Blues
    “Yes, hello. I need two tickets to the Aaron Carter concert. Yes, I realize my life is sad.”

    Step 22: Talk to an automated voice for 15 minutes
    The robot woman is having a hard time understanding your Texan accent, but you stick through it.

    Step 23: Confirm your ticket purchase
    Praise God because you confirmed your ticket purchase. There is literally no stopping you now.

    Step 24: Tweet Aaron Carter because you’re excited you’re seeing him in concert on his birthday
    You are on top of the world. You want everyone to know what you just went through. You want Aaron to personally know that you’re spending his birthday with him. You want him to know that 13 years later, you still remember his birthday because you’re that big of a fangirl.

    Step 25: Have Aaron Carter personally tweet you and your friend not to come to his concert.


    PMS’s Definitive Ranking of DCOM

    Isaac Villalobos requested this blog post and because I’ll do anything to be liked, here it is. If you disagree, let me know and I’ll consider rearranging.

    22. High School Musical 2
    Easily the weakest in the High School Musical trilogy, which is typical of sophomore anything. I think I’ve seen it a total of once and all I remember is this moment and I was like no.

    21. Gotta Kick It Up!
    This movie featured a bunch of Spanish-speaking cheerleaders who shouted something in Spanish every other scene. It was basically Disney Channel saying, ‘Yeah! We’re cultured. We’re cool with Mexicans!’ This was also the movie that introduced America to America Ferrera pre-Ugly Betty. I don’t know, this movie was kind of bad yet so good.

    20. Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off
    This was the last DCOM I saw and all I remember about it was that it featured baseball and hot dogs, so based off that right there, I’d give 8 stars out of 10.

    19. Seventeen Again
    This movie is basically the black version of Zac Efron’s 17 Again, except one of the Lowry twins switches places with her grandmother, not her dad like Zac did. I think both twins are in this movie, but I don’t really know. I don’t know.

    18. Tru Confessions
    This one is like really, really sad. I feel like a lot of Shia LaBeouf’s issues today stem from this role, I don’t know. He plays a mentally ill kid and it’s sad and I’m sad just writing about it.

    ohmygosh. too sad. i can’t.

    17. Pixel Perfect
    This one is the haziest of them all, but I’m about 83 percent certain I’ve seen it. The cute guy from Phil of the Future makes himself a girlfriend who isn’t real? The only reason this one is even on the list is because 13-year-old me loved me this guy/24-year-old me is like, OK.


    16. Luck of the Irish
    I’m not positive I’ve ever seen this movie. My knowledge of it is the main character grows pointy ears and probably clogs, I don’t know.

    15. Motorcrossed
    This is not the same movie as Brink, in case you didn’t know. It’s confusing because a girl dresses up to look like a boy to compete in a motorcrossed competition.

    14. Brink
    This movie can be confused with Motorcrossed because the main guy kind of looks like a girl, which is totally and completely hot, I mean we know how I feel about feminine men. But this movie is about rollerblading and it made me want to grow up to date a guy who rollerblades, which is actually kind of the best foreshadowing to my life ever.

    13. Life Size
    What is better than Lindsay Lohan and Tyra Banks in one movie? I’ll tell you what. Nothing. NOTHING. Tyra Banks starts out as a doll and then she becomes a human and apparently there’s going to be a sequel, which is going to be the biggest shit show known to mankind and I can’t wait.

    12. Life Size 2
    This hasn’t aired yet, but see previous. It’s going to be as bad as anything Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan has done in the past decade, aka BAD.

    11. Camp Rock
    All you need to know about this movie is Jonas Brothers + Demi Lovato + singing and dancing = Greatness.

    10. High School Musical
    You can’t have a DCOM list without HSM. You just can’t. It’s a good movie. But I always had more of a crush on the Sharpay’s gay brother rather than Troy, which once again, is really, really sad.

    9. Quints
    This was basically Jon and Kate Plus 8 before it was a thing. A girl wishes for a sibling and then she gets five and then she’s mad because no one is paying attention to her. I think that was the storyline.

    8. Cadet Kelly
    Hilary Duff is a spoiled daddy’s girl and that’s a big no-no, so off to army camp she goes. Christy Carlson Romano is her army boss and they hate each other, but everything turns out to be OK because they do an army dance in the end and your 14-year-old self FLIPS OUT.

    do people in the military really do this.

    7. Model Behavior
    A model and a frumpy girl switch places and one gets to date Justin Timberlake. If I’m not mistaken, this was JT’s first movie role and he’s so, so, so, so bad in it. I think this movie also has Kathy Lee Gifford in it, which is humorous.

    6. The Cheetah Girls
    This is based on a true story about four girls in a all-girl group who are just trying to chase the dream. The head honcho ends up turning on them and they have to go on without her. Spoiler alert: One ends up becoming a lesbian, another dates Rob Kardashian, which is basically the same thing, and the third one can’t even win Dancing With The Stars. It basically ends in tragedy.

    5. Right on Track
    Lucy from 7th Heaven was in this movie and it took my claustrophobia to another level every time she squeezed into that little race car of hers. This movie was emotional because she was a girl and girls can’t race cars or something like that.

    4. Stuck in the Suburbs
    This movie starred Taran Killam before his SNL days and no other DCOM spoke more to me than this movie. It’s about a young white girl who just wants to date a pop star and I’m like ok.

    3. Zenon
    Everyone wanted to be Zenon because she was cool, futuristic and blonde. She talked to a computer and used those airport-automated-walkways to get around and everything about her was so, so cool and you were all like, I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE. And now you’re like LOL.

    2. Double Teamed
    The mom in this movie was a Phillips daughter, so you knew right away it was going to be kind of a hot mess. But it wasn’t really. Two twin daughters (who looked nothing alike) were star basketball players (even though they were white) and they sometimes didn’t get along, but ultimately, they went on to play in the WNBA or something, I don’t know.

    1. The Even Stevens Movie
    I don’t know, maybe Shia LaBeouf should have stuck to DCOM because he kills it every time. This movie is so, so good. The family is on a reality show the entire time and don’t even know it??? HAHA! COMEDY ENSUES!!! And there’s a squirrel that attacks Louis and Beans is such a goober and Ren has a stick up her ass and OMG!

    Did I miss any? Let me know. I’m sure y’all will.

    RIP Kim Kardashian Game

    Remember how I told you I almost RUINED Emily’s engagement because my phone wouldn’t allow me to take any pictures because there wasn’t enough storage?
    You better remember. This is the TAAS test and if you don’t pass, you have to stay in the fourth grade forever.


    I ALMOST GOT YOU, THOUGH, DIDN’T I? You were all, really????

    Well I decided to take action and delete some apps/pictures/etc.

    I didn’t delete Add Kitty or I’d Cap That because those apps make my heart happy.

    Can’t think of a funny caption yourself? I’d Cap That!

    Have a good picture of yourself but an ex-boyfriend is in it? Add Kitty!

    *not an ex-boyfriend. freshman reporter i used to harass.

    *not an ex-boyfriend. eric from love and theft.

    scott pelley. can’t comment on whether or not he’s an ex-boyfriend.

    But I did delete my Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game and it wasn’t easy.

    I’m already regretting it. It was a lot of fun. It was also stressful because sometimes I would start an 8-hour photoshoot right before bed and realize I either had to stay up and finish it, or risk not finishing it and the press ripping me a new one.

    But I had some really great moments with the game.

    1. Dirk and I started out as strangers, but we (I) worked toward our relationship and soon he gave me a key to his place AND called me baby.

    I wore my dress that looks like the infamous Taylor Swift dress, and Dirk liked it because he spoke a heart and in Kim K Hollywood World, that’s the equivalent of my “Hi.”
    2. Before I found dreamy mcdream boat, Dirk, I went on a date with a guy Kim K set me up with.
    I was like KIM, JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE BLACK RAPPERS WITH GOLD CHAINS, DOESN’T MEAN I DO. It didn’t last long between Mitchell and me.
    3. I starred in a movie super similar to This is the End, but I’m sure it was nothing like it at all.
    4. My manager made me choose between my job and a friend. I chose my job because the friend seemed like a freeloader and he was a guy and I was like, You can’t just expect to be absent during my struggles and then show up during my successes.
    5. I also wore this little number.

    6. I maybe got a little annoyed with Dirk always telling me how ugly my outfit was, so I maybe went on a date with another guy. Whatever. Gavin is hot.

    7. I also spent 20 STARS on these jeans that anyone older than 40 would tell me they aren’t worth anything, but I liked them and felt good in them.

    8. Also, this woman who looked like Anna Wintour threw some shade at me. Whatever, Anna. 

    9. During one photoshoot, I worked with Chantal. I stood in the front, though, so I’m not sure how the cover turned out.
    Actually, I do know how the cover turned out. HORRIBLE. I didn’t finish the photoshoot and Chantal got mad. MAD. I didn’t have enough stars to charm her, so we had to breakup and it was dramatic.

    10. Also I got rained on in the club. And not the money kind. A dark cloud followed me in there because I was a bad girl. (I don’t remember what I did, but I’m sure it was something bad.)

    11. Through all of the hard work, time spent, battery lost, and storage used, it was all worth it in the end. Because Kim K herself (well, you know, avatar form) called to tell me how talented I am. That means a lot coming from someone as talented as her.

    Is anyone else still playing this game?

    Brittany Murphy had a weird life, according to Lifetime

    I love bad TV. I love bad Lifetime movies, so yes, of course I spent my Saturday night watching the Brittany Murphy Lifetime movie.
    My knowledge of Brittany Murphy is that she was in the film Just Married and that Amy Lumpkins was obsessed with it and made me watch it every weekend. But even fifth-grade me knew it was a horrible movie.
    I missed about 15 minutes of the film because I live with two Baby Boomers and computers are hard. I had to fix an iTunes problem, aka Google it and actually read a discussion thread, which anyone can do, but I guess I do it best or something.
    I come into the film where a creepy man is obsessed with Britt. He’s a paparazzo and he’s hitting on her and his name is Simon.
    *Googling to see if Brittany marries a Simon*
    Ok she did, so spoiler alert: They get married.
    Also, I don’t remember a lot about Brittany Murphy, but I don’t remember people ever really caring about her like they cared about Paris, Britney or Lindsay.
    But before they get married, we explore other relationships. Well, only one. According to her Wikipedia page, she was engaged twice before marrying Simon, but we only get a glimpse into her relationship with Ashton Kutcher and THANK GOD WE DID.
    The actor who played Ashton Kutcher was good. Like so good I looked to see if he was actually a Kutcher. He’s not, but he’s from Addison, so now I’m like, hey all of my editors: I’ll interview him?
    After Ashton voices his concerns about their relationship, Brittany says, “We were playing newlyweds in the movie (Just Married). That’s like being on a reality show and thinking the real world is going to be the same.”
    Or it’s like being in a movie and thinking the real world is going to be the same. And what reality TV shows were on in 2003? This movie is bad.
    We also see her get dropped from her publicist and agents after literally not responding to their phone calls for months and she’s shocked and sad and I’m like seriously?
    She becomes engaged to Simon and we learn he’s a fraud and a cheat and the FBI is after him and a random woman in a restaurant warns Britt-Britt against him, but all of this can’t stop HER LOVE FOR HER MAN. She gets him out of prison, marries him because who doesn’t love a nice marriage to a criminal/a man whose nickname is Conjack???
    “I guess you could say I’ve been a bit of a sociopath.” –Simon
    “It’s ok. The past is the past.” –Brittany
    Simon, Brittany, and her mother all live in the same house because Brittany’s mother is still breastfeeding, so yaknow. And according to the movie, the house is Britney and Justin’s old home. And according to Wikipedia (which one is more of a reliable source?), they suspected mold in the house was a cause of death for Brittany and I’m like thank you mold for not taking JT from us.

    This movie is all over the place. At one point, Britt, the mom and Simon are in a café and Ashton comes in because he knew she would be there????? And asks her to audition for a role in a TV show he’s creating and I’m like are you talking about Punk’d, Ashton???? And then I’m like surely not, but then I’m like what show? Anyway, Simon says no, so really Brittany’s life was one big game of Simon Says.
    the real brittany and simon.
    Brittany gets fired from some movie because she slept on set and is surprised, Simon has a heart attack, Brittany gets sicks and says, “It’s just a cold. I’ll live” and I wonder how I’ve made it this far into this movie.
    Then she dies.
    The screen puts up some facts about the death and about how Simon later died in the same bedroom and I’ll be Googling conspiracy theories all night.
    Yeah, let’s just blame it on the government.

    A CVS Nightmare

    Prescription drugs are a beautiful thing, aren’t they?

    Well after a nice visit from the dermatologist, I was prescribed like 300 drugs to take for my skin. Good God, being honest via a blog is brutal, but here I am.

    Well after dinner tonight, my parents dropped me off at CVS to pick up my pills.

    Every time I go to CVS to pick up my happy pills, I think, “OK, surely this is organized and I just don’t see it because I’m not a pharmacist.”

    I tell them my last name and they head to the back. Baskets and baskets fill the place with dozens of bags in each of them.

    I see the basket labeled “SK-ST” and think, “OK, that’s obviously where my drugs are” because, you know, my last name begins with SK.

    But the pharmacist never goes directly to that basket. They look in all the other S baskets before I guess finally figuring out the alphabet. Then they find my drugs.

    how the alphabet must be for pharmacists.

    But tonight, the woman searched and searched before handing my case over to another pharmacist.

    The man pulled me aside and told me he was confused about the instructions and tried calling my doctor and me, but that I never returned his phone call.

    Let me inform y’all what the voicemail said. (Note he had an African accent.)

    “Hi. This call is for Paige. This is Tom. Call me back.”

    No mention of CVS. No mention of drugs. Nothing.

    So I googled the number and when I realized it was CVS, I just figured it was a courtesy call telling me my prescription was ready.

    Well apparently not because the pharmacist was mad at me.

    I explained the instructions to him, according to how the dermatologist told me and he said, “OK.”

    Oh, so we’re just taking my word for it? Ok. That’s comforting.

    Once it was time to pay, I had to go to the back of the very long line. I was annoyed.

    The original woman checks me out and asks for my date of birth about 100 times.

    10/22/90. 10/22/90. 10/22/90.

    She looks at the prescription and I kid you not, looks at me in the eye and says, “You can’t take this if you’re pregnant.”

    I said, “Ok, but, like, I’m not, so….”

    I pay.

    I’m going to the gym.

    Whole Foods Thoughts

    I have a college education, but dang it, Whole Foods, you make me feel and look like a fool. Here are my thoughts while shopping at that God-forsaken place.

    OK, my grocery list has just six items on it, so this should go by quick.

    Scanning for parking spot, scanning, scanning, scanning. Found one! And it’s princess parking! So close. God, it’s hot outside. When does it usually get cooler in Texas? Late October? Wait if I die before then? OK, last time I was in Whole Foods, it took me forever, but not this time. I’m smarter than a store. I’m a Texas Tech graduate.

    OK, where are the buggies? I’ve walked around the cashiers twice and I don’t see a dang buggie anywhere. I see people shopping with them, but where did they get them? OK, so they’re not in the store. Maybe they’re outside? OK, they’re outside. Duh, buggies are always outside. Unless they’re inside like at Tom Thumb where the commonfolk shops.

    I’m going to choose the little buggie because it makes me look dainty and like I just eat birdseeds and cheese.

    Oh, man, produce. I don’t need anything there. There are a lot of people here. Is everyone unemployed like I am? Get a job, people.

    OK, I need yogurt. That’s going to be in the cooled foods section. OK, here it is. Can this woman move away from me, please? You are breathing down my neck and I can’t find the pomegranate blueberry yogurt. OK, surely I didn’t make this flavor up. Where is it? There’s blueberry and there’s pomegranate, but not together. OK, chill, woman. I’m going. You get the yogurt space now.

    OK, next on the list is water. Oh, there’s a water aisle. This should be easy….

    ….OK, seriously. I don’t see the water I need. If water isn’t in the water aisle, where would it be?

    Oh, wow, Whole Foods sells clothes? Wait, these are actually kind of cute. My sister would mock me until the end of time if I ever bought clothes from a grocery store. What does she know? My favorite purse is from World Market. Like I’m an effing hippie who buys her clothes and accessories from grocery stores. That’s who I want to be. She can’t bring me down. I’m my own woman. I’m so ungotten.


    That’s OK, I’ll get my Holy Kombucha now. I’m assuming that’s a juice. I saw some juices by the produce earlier.

    Wait, I should Google what it looks like, so I can spot it better. OK, it’s just juice. Should be in the juice section.

    Oh, there’s a Caution: Wet Floor sign right in front of the juices. I’m going to step on the water anyway. Why is the worker looking at me like I’m the first person ever to ignore a yellow sign?

    OK, so Holy Kombucha wasn’t in that area and now my shoes are wet.

    Let’s look for the water again. I’m sure I just looked over it.

    OK, the water still isn’t there. Maybe there’s some in the back? Do grocery stores do that?

    Oh, I see juice, I see juice. Yeah, still not the juice I need.

    Does Whole Foods sell Butterfingers? I need one. No, I need a Dr Pepper. There’s no way this health-oriented place sells DP.

    This is the fourth time I’ve strolled by the same worker and he’s starting to look at me funny. He’s kind of cute. He’s probably in high school or just graduated, but at least he has a job. More than I can say for myself. I wonder if he likes working here. I bet he has a girlfriend. Hipster high schoolers never not have a girlfriend.

    OK, I see water at the front. OK, my water is here. Oh, wow, this box is really heavy. Like, I can’t lift it. Nope, I can lift it, it just doesn’t fit in my buggie. Dang it, I should have gotten the bigger buggie. I’m an idiot.

    I’m just going to check out and come back for the water.

    I hope this man can break a $100 bill. We’ll see. OK, he can. But not before he marks on it to make sure it’s not counterfeit. Like, who prints off a bunch of cash and comes to Whole Foods for yogurt? I remember I used to have to do that with anything over $20. I even had to do it with $20. I was never taught what it looked like when it was counterfeit, just that I would know. I doubt this man has been taught either.

    I brought my own bag because I’m an Earth-saver and am super conscious about the environment, so I hope this bagger woman takes notice. OK, she didn’t. Apparently all Whole Foods shoppers do that.

    OK, I’ll just going to put these groceries in the car and come back for the water.

    First, let me get a bigger buggie.

    I’m entering the store again and I feel like a complete idiot.

    OK, operation water. Wow, this water is heavy. Have I mentioned that? OK, a strong woman is now helping me after she saw my scrawny white arms trying to lift it.

    OK, she’s actually kind of my hero. I’ll go into her checkout lane.

    I’ll use a credit card this time. Approved! Victory!

    OH, wow. It’s still really hot outside. OK, I kind of feel sick to my stomach, it’s so hot outside. Yeah, this water is still really heavy. Where is that woman now? God, I need her.

    I hate Whole Foods. I’m never going there again until I need more brownies.

    I Dissect ‘Girl in a Country Song’

    Have you heard this song?

    It’s the best freakin song on radio right now because it’s full of sass and girl power and it makes you want to walk right up to a male and hit them for no reason.

    Preferably Luke Bryan.

    If you’ve listened to it 19 times in one day, like I have, then you might have noticed that Maddie and Tae don’t just generalize their stabs, they take particular stabs at bro country artists and their extremely stupid songs.

    I broke it down so you can really get the full effect and enjoy it next time it comes on the radio.

    Maddie and Tae: “Well I wish I had some shoes on my two bare feet.”
    Stab: Jason Aldean’s Take A Little Ride and his line “Put your pretty pink toes on the dash and lean your seat back.”

    M&T: “And it’s getting kind of cold in these painted on cut-off jeans.”
    Stab: Chris Young’s Ah Naw and the line, “It would be so wrong if we didn’t dance one, show off those jeans you painted on.”
    Other possible stab: “She’s got the blue jeans painted on tight” from David Nail’s Whatever She’s Got.
    Other, other possible stab: “You’re looking so good in what’s left of those blue jeans” from Luke Bryan’s Drunk on You.

    M&T: “I hear you over there on your tailgate whistling.”
    Stab: “You can find me in the back of a jacked-up tailgate, sitting around watching all these pretty things” from Jason Aldean’s My Kinda Party

    M&T: “Saying, ‘Hey, girl.’ But you know I ain’t listening.”
    Stab: Billy Currington’s Hey Girl song

    M&T: “Cause I got a name and to you it ain’t Pretty Little Thing.”
    Stab: “Sitting round watching all these pretty things” from Jason Aldean’s My Kinda Party.

    M&T: “It’s driving me re-re-re-re-re-re-re-redneck crazy.”
    Stab: TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE on this one, people! The uttering red part comes from Blake Shelton’s Boys ‘Round Here and the Redneck Crazy is from Tyler Farr’s ignorant song about basically killing an ex and her new boyfriend.

    M&T: “Now we’re lucky if we even get to climb up in your truck and keep our mouths shut and ride along…”
    Stab: Possibly Justin Moore’s Lettin’ The Night Roll and the line “You look so damn good climbing up in my Chevy.”

    M&T: “Well shaking my money maker ain’t ever made me a dime. And there ain’t no sugar for you in this shaker of mine.”
    Stab: Thomas Rhett’s Get Me Some Of That and the line “You’re shaking that money maker like a heartbreaker like your college major was twistin’ and tearin’ up Friday nights. Love the way you’re wearing those jeans so tight.” THAT LAST PART WAS A BONUS.
    Other possible stab: “Drip of honey on that money maker” from Luke Bryan’s Drunk on You.

    M&T: “Tell me one more you gotta get you some of that.”
    Stab: Pretty much Thomas Rhett’s entire song

    M&T: “Sure I’ll slide on over…”
    Stab: “Slide your pretty little self on over, get a little closer” from Jason Aldean’s Take A Little Ride.

    M&T: “Ah naw”
    Stab: Chris Young. They’re just stabbing Chris Young and the entirety of a song titled Ah Naw.

    M&T: “Conway and George Strait never did it this way back in the old days.”
    Non-stab: Look up Conway and George songs and see if you can tell a difference in tone because that sounds like too much work at this point.

    M&T: “Down some old dirt road we don’t even want to be on.”
    Stab: “I can ride you round town and drive you down some old backroad” from Justin Moore’s Lettin The Night Roll.

    M&T: “I ain’t your tan-legged Juliet.”
    Stab: We got a word-for-word case here. It’s a stab at “You can be my tanned-leg Juliet, I’ll be your redneck Romeo” from Jason Aldean’s My Kinda Party.

    Wasn’t that fascinating? Emily Stines helped with this one, so here’s her shoutout. What do y’all think? Give me feedback. I love like feedback.

    23 is the sexy age

    I hated typing that headline as much as you hated reading it, don’t worry.
    Taylor Swift taught us 22 was confusing and exhilarating at the same time. It was mainly innocent as we jumped on trampolines and wore cat ears.
    Screen Shot 2014-06-12 at 9.20.35 PM
    And then BAM, Miley comes along and changes the game for 23.

    Ok, this song isn’t really about being 23, but she’s twerking around and acting all sexy like with what I suppose is some kind of sexy Michael Jordan Halloween costume. (I had to google that to make sure it was right.)
    Actually, I don’t know. Do guys think Miley is hot? Has a male made it this far into the post? Discuss in the comments.
    Men all over Hollywood are dating 23-year-olds. 23-year-olds are also running the world (Don’t be scared).
    Post-gradness is scary, but just take my hand and jump with me. (This line is not from a movie, but from Paige’s real romantic life in which a male tried to convince her to date him. She said no.)
    This is our time.
    Chris Pine is dating a 23-year-old.
    My face when I see her mainly because I'm jealous.

    Jennifer Lawrence is 23 and she’s far from a grown up, which means maturity is an option for us, too.
    Leo DiCaprio’s girlfriend is 23….. WAIT. WHAT, SHE’S 21?!?!?!

    Monica Lewinsky was 23 when she had her infamous presidential affair. I’m not saying go out and have an affair, but so far that’s been the peak of her life, soooooo…

    Rita Ora is 23 and I’m not completely sure who she is, but she’s pretty?
    Ryan Phillippe is dating a 23-year-old law student. Wow, rest in peace, Reese and Ryan circa Cruel Intentions
    Jessica Simpson turned 23 during her first year of marriage with Nick Lachey and sometimes I still watch the Newlyweds and cry over how simple everything was back in the day when two C-star pop stars were madly in love and Jessica made ponchos cool.
    Margot Robbie from Wolf on Wall Street is 23.
    Have I made my point? As far as guys: Ed Sheeran, Liam Hemsworth, and others are 23. Ok?????