I Have Watched Hamilton 20ish Times; Here’s What I Know

HAMILTON IS AMAZING



Here are all my random thoughts after watching Hamilton 20 times, i’m not kidding.

Sry, Cayla


I basically owe my friend Cayla a huge apology because she’s been trying for four years to get her friends into Hamilton, but I just couldn’t. There was no way I was going to fall in love with a soundtrack. I’m a visual person and needed to see the people singing and dancing and acting. Also, it took me four times watching the musical to finally even realize George Washington was in it, like it takes me awhile to comprehend some things (I zone out a lot/am also kind of dumb).

I’m not even sure how Cayla discovered it — probably from like PBS or NPR or something lame like that. But for four years, she talked about this soundtrack and would just list off facts about Alexander Hamilton and every time, we were like, “Talk less.”

When my friends and I went to New York in 2016, it was actually just so Cayla could see Hamilton on Broadway. She had a ticket alone and missed the original cast by a few months (I would literally kill myself, I do not know how Cayla is still alive). While she was seeing Hamilton, Augusta and I saw Kinky Boots and KK and KT took a carriage ride through Central Park like the lovers they are. After the show, Cayla told us she cried during Hamilton and I was like, aw, that’s sweet and now I’m like, I get it.

One day during the trip, Cayla spent the entire day visiting Hamilton’s burial site and Trinity Church and a bar where George Washington ate soup or some shit and I was too hungover to go, but also, I love musicals, I don’t love history, so no regrets, but I am sorry, Cayla, hope it was fun.

I actually saw Hamilton live, idk I’m rich
Yes, it’s true, when Hamilton came to Dallas, I saw it and not because I’m rich but because I had press passes. I took Cayla (because I am an incredible friend). I did not understand the musical at all because I am dumb and it takes me four watches to understand everything going on. But I did walk away from the live performance loving the song “Burn” and it’s still one of my favorite songs.

My tears
I think it was the fifth or sixth time I watch Hamilton, I was with my friend and I cried so hard I had the hiccups. Like I was sobbing. And then I couldn’t stop crying and then I made my friend cut three inches off my hair. Man, the last song …. it’s too much. And when Eliza forgives Hamilton, I just sob. It’s just… too much.

Does Lin-Manuel Miranda’s ponytail look like a side ponytail to anyone else?

My knowledge of Alexander Hamilton
Before Hamilton, the only thing I knew about him was from high school history class, and all I can remember from that was that Burr killed him in a duel, but I couldn’t tell you why. I actually knew he was never a president and I’m pretty sure I remember the Reynolds Pamphlet from history class or from Cayla explaining it to drunk me over margs. Either way. (It does kind of sound like something a history teacher would teach students because a good sex scandal would hold our attention.)

I would die for Daveed Diggs
Daveed Diggs plays Lafyette (I refuse to look up the spelling of this) and Thomas Jefferson in the play and he is so hot and so good, my interests are exclusively Daveed Diggs and no one and nothing else. Back to Cayla (again): She knows Daveed’s former college track coach and when she told us this in 2016, I really didn’t give two or 100 shits and now with that information, I would literally give me whole life to hear more.

Back to Daveed: I have watched so many interviews with him and I love him. I did a deep dive into his life and his ex-girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend and Daveed follows the new boyfriend and likes his posts when he posts photos of the ex-girlfriend. Anyway, Daveed has a new girlfriend now and I, too, was super disappointed to find out she wasn’t a 29-year-old white woman from Texas.

Guns N Ships. You forget about that song but then it happens and you’re like, this is the best thing I’ve ever watched, the only logical thing to do next is to marry both Daveed and Leslie.

Leslie Odom Jr. is so good
Obviously, Daveed and Lin and Renee and Phillipa and Jazzy are good, but the standout performer is Leslie Odom, Jr., who plays Aaron Burr. He is the only one who can sing, dance, act, and rap, do not argue this. Every time I watch it, I’m more and more amazed at his talent. Damn. Like, do you ever just watch him dance even in the background? I get the same joy seeing Leslie perform as I did seeing Aaron Tveit perform in Grease Live. And did you know Leslie almost didn’t do Hamilton the movie because the pay wasn’t good enough? So he demanded he get paid the same as Aaron did in Grease Live. King. KING.

Leslie Odom, Jr. is so good. I need to say it again. When he travels across the stage in Schuyler Sisters. So good. Or when he stands on the ledge of the balcony in Guns N Ships. So good. His dancing in The Room Where It Happens!!!! Who gave him the right to be so amazing!!!! WHO! GAVE! HIM! THE! RIGHT!

Who am I?
Cayla requested this part of the blog. She wants me to explain who each of our friends are. Cayla is 100 percent without a doubt Hamilton. She truly does believe she is the smartest in the room, no matter the room she’s in, like it’s incredible and honorable and only sometimes annoying. We decided I’m Jefferson (MINUS THE SLAVES) because when Jefferson is trying to get Congressional approval to fight for France’s independence, that is very me. I couldn’t sleep knowing France helped us and we wouldn’t help them. I believe Augusta is Burr, but I think she is offended by that. But Augusta gets along with everyone and never makes bold claims that make her enemies. KK is Washington because she is constantly telling us to settle down. And Katie is the king because she’s sassy and likes to watch destruction happen around her. None of us are Eliza because Eliza was amazing but also kind of lame, SORRY but none of my friends are building orphanages.

My friends will probably argue those characterizations, but if they want to, they can get their own blog about blog about it.

Who would I play?
Ok, this is my favorite thing to think about. I think obviously the king would be fun to play because it’s the least work and stage time and you get laughs and you also get the stage all to yourself. I think playing Peggy/Maria would also be good because there’s not a lot of work there either, however, that means you have to kiss Lin every night and I don’t have anything against Lin (I actually really love him) but I think having to kiss him EVERY night while your fiance is right around the corner might get a little awk but I don’t know?????? Playing Burr or Ham would be way too much work, no ty.

I do not believe in war and yet I will ROCK OUT to Battle of Yorktown and beat my chest and scream WE WON WE WON WE WON, like wow what a great number.

Angelica really was the wittiest
I do not believe Angelica and Hamilton shared anything more than some flirtatious letters. Angelica said in “Satisfied” that she is the wittiest and I believe it! She told her sister she should share Hamilton with her! That is witty!!!!!! If historians ever study my texts (letters) with my friends, then I too am a whote (this was supposed to read whore, but I’m not changing it). I once yelled at my father about this for a solid four minutes!!! I’m an Angelica stan for life!!!!! Angelica also wrote letters to Thomas Jefferson and tried to get her political ideas in his ear. He invited her to America when they were both in Europe and she declined.

I would die for Daveed Diggs. Just really need to get that across again.

The gasp. Once I read the theory that the gasp Eliza takes at the end is her seeing the audience because Lin told her story, it’s the only theory I believe. I do believe the gasp means something different for each woman who plays Eliza, but Phillipa’s gasp is the best.

My Friends Want Me To Blog The TL;DR of Jessica Simpson’s Book

John Mayer is bad and Ellen is mean and other things.

I am doing this for my four friends and maybe the other three people who are mildly interested in Jessica Simpson’s life but not enough to spend $14 on her book.

I feel you, but I do not understand because I’ve been waiting for this book my entire life.

I love Jessica Simpson. She’s on my list of fantasy dinner party guests. My top five celebrities. When others worshipped Spears and Aguilera, I was all in on Simpson. Beauty. Grace. Blond. Virgin. I love her.

Anyway, her memoir came out and it’s called Open Book and I did not take notes while I was reading it because I did not think I was going to blog about it, but here we are!!!!! I will try to remember the interesting parts!!!!!!

1. Jessica Simpson is the biggest church girl
Like, I’m not even convinced her father, the actual youth minister in the family, was really all in on the God thing. I read it as sort of he took a job as a youth minister because he needed to pay the bills. But boy oh boy, Jess believed and she quotes scripture throughout the book. She was like that girl in high school who was always asking you to come to church.

2. Her father really did not want her to marry Nick
She writes that Joe was mopey during the rehearsal dinner and told her before they walked down the aisle that she didn’t have to do this. He thought she was too young and I suspect he wasn’t ready to not be the only man in her life. But Jess writes that she wanted to marry Nick and she’s glad she did.

3. Nick is not that innocent!!!!!!!!
Despite what my father might say or think (he always wanted one of his daughters to marry Nick Lachey), he was not innocent in the downfall of their marriage. The media portrayed it like Jess left him and she certainly did, but he shouldn’t have been shocked. They weren’t speaking to each other and Nick would often leave her for days at a time and not answer his phone.

4. They thought there were hidden cameras in their house
Yes, after Newlyweds wrapped and Jess and Nick were fighting more than ever, they would go outside to yell at each other. She writes that the tabloids hit the nail on the head too well that they assumed MTV still had cameras in their home. Nick thought Jess’s friends were leaking to the press and she thought his friends were.

5. She had an emotional affair with Johnny Knoxville
While they were shooting some movie and while she was still married to Nick. It never turned physical.

6. We must end John Mayer.


I cannot stress this enough but just listen to Dear John by Taylor Alison Swift. She warned us all along. Jess basically says the same thing about John in her book. He was manipulative. She never felt smart enough for him and they were toxic for each other. When she was dating Tony Romo, John went to Jess’s parents’ house to profess his love for Jess and basically propose marriage. Her parents were all in and thought Jess should be with John. This was after they had broken up and gotten back together about eight times. Tony saw an email from John in Jess’s phone and broke up with her. Jess went to John’s house, expecting to get back together with him and he said now, wait a minute. He was horrible.

7. Tony Romo wouldn’t let Jess star in any movies where she had to kiss a lead actor


Tony was kind of old school and kind of the most normal but also kind of not. She said he lived like a frat guy.

8. Jess was a size 4 when she was fat shamed.
Like, I’m truly not well.

9. Her father is kind of awful, but like we already knew that.
Twice, he told Jess he wanted to leave Jess’s mom. Right before she boarded a plane and told him to release a statement that she and Nick were divorcing and right before she was about to get a c-section for her first baby.

10. Eric Johnson, her now husband, left her naked in bed to attend a Marianne Williamson conference.


I am done.

Honorable mentions:

Ellen is mean.


When Jessica Simpson appeared on Ellen, she writes that she was drunk because she had a drinking problem. After the segment ended, Ellen did not look at her. I have always heard Ellen is an awful person and this just confirms it!!!!

Her dad brought a young male model to her second wedding.


This is the best part of the whole book, where Jess tells her dad to give Nick the money he wanted from the divorce.


I Like Brad Pitt

I like him a lot.

It has come to my attention: a man. A man named Brad Pitt.

This man is an actor. I have seen exactly two movies he’s been in. The first: Moneyball, about baseball and money. The second: Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, a movie about I’m not sure. It was plotless and boring until it was good and exciting.

But Brad Pitt, I like him. He is handsome and good at acting. I didn’t pay attention to him much before because I did not care. But since watching him on the big screen for two-plus hours, I know what I didn’t know before: I like him.

When I think about how much I like him, I try not to think about how he has all those kids with that woman who is not me. I also try not to think about the time he cheated on that one woman with that other woman and then, like I said, had all those kids with her. That is something I do not like.

Instead, I focus on the things I do like. Like the story about the time he confronted Harvey Weinstein because Weinstein wanted to do bad stuff with Brad Pitt’s girlfriend at the time Gwyneth Paltrow. That is something I like: a man confronting another man for his girlfriend. That makes up for all those kids with that woman who is not me.

Brad Pitt is 55 years old, which is older than me but younger than my dad, so therefore OK to dedicate an entire blog to. I think 55 is a reasonable age to be and I think Brad Pitt is good at being 55.

Today, I read this GQ profile on Brad Pitt. It was boring, but there were photos, so I liked it.

There isn’t much more I know about Brad Pitt. I will try to find more things to know and then I will write about them. Right now all I know is: I like Brad Pitt.

Thank you.

Taylor Swift’s Lover Is Good!!!!

youtube screenshot

WHO WANTS TO READ ALL MY THOUGHTS ON LOVER, THE SEVENTH STUDIO ALBUM FROM TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT?????????

here we go.

I Forgot That You Existed
This song is fine. I read Taylor said it’s supposed to pick up where Reputation left off and just finish the haters storyline. I’ve also read fans thinking that this song is about Calvin Harris, which I really don’t understand because there are roughly 37 people this song could be about: Calvin Harris, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Karlie Kloss, Scooter Braun, Scott Borchetta, the critic from “Mean,” the guy named Sam from the first album who cheated on her, Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Maggie Gyllenhaal, literally so many people.

Cruel Summer
I like this song. St. Vincent wrote this song with her. St. Vincent is from Dallas. I’m from Dallas. I wrote this song.

I’M DRUNK IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AND I CRIED LIKE A BABY COMING HOME FROM THE BAR

Lover
Lover is truly such a good song, it’s alarming. It’s like classic Taylor but also new Taylor and also Taylor’s first real love song. I know. Reread that sentence. It’s true, though. Can you think of another love song from Taylor that didn’t have conflict in it or wasn’t about Romeo and Juliet? Exactly.

The Man
This song. Wow. Just this song. The Leo line. Bitches and models. I’d be a bitch, not a baller. I mean, I just – WOW!!!!! This is the song I keep coming back to. I hope this is a single and there’s a music video with Taylor on a boat with a bunch of underage dudes surrounding her. And then she goes to the club and throws up money and scouts for more underage boys to take back to her place. I hope Leo hears it and reevaluates his gross life. I hope Taylor takes down the patriarchy. Just girly things!!!

The Archer
This song is good but it’s old and I don’t have time to get into it.

I Think He Knows
OK, this song is sexy!!! And I like it!!! “It’s like I’m 17 / No one understands.” I’m really glad this lyric exists because she is right. I do not understand! I do not understand how Joe Alwyn was the muse for an entire album!!!! I mean, Taylor has dated Harry Styles, and Joe Alwyn is the guy we’re writing home about!!!! I don’t get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’m happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince
OK, this song I do not understand. On one hand, it’s very Gen Z, Riverdale theme song. On the other hand, I’ve read it’s supposed to be a political metaphor, which is nice, but I don’t understand the symbolism, but I’m happy for her.

“They whisper in the hallway, she’s a bad, bad girl.” -what I imagine Gen Z will put as their IG captions this year.

Paper Rings
Is Taylor Swift married? No, I really need you to ask yourself that. Because I have and I’m not sure. Anyway, in this song she sings she would marry the guy with paper rings, which is nice for a millionaire to say.

I’M WITH YOU EVEN IF IT MAKES ME BLUE. I like that line.

Cornelia Street
Wow, I once read that Taylor lived in a home on Cornelia Street and the owner of the home rented it to her and he didn’t even know who she was, oh that’s right, I wrote it.

I like this song. Do you think this song could have gone on Reputation? Maybe. I like this song because it’s so true. Do you ever think about all the good memories you have with someone and then if it ever ends, you could never visit a city again, eat at a restaurant, go bowling, sleep, breathe, work again. Falling in love is fun!!!!!!!!

Death By A Thousand Cuts
I like this song and I think it’s good and I sing along to it, but I’m not like putting its lyrics on my tombstone, ya know?????

London Boy
I SMILE THE ENTIRE TIME THIS SONG IS ON. WOW. I WISH I LOVED A LONDON BOY. WOW. I WANNA GO TO THE PUB WITH YOUR FRIEND FROM UNI. I’M ALSO A TENNESSEE STELLA MCCARTNEY, WHATEVER THAT MEANS!!!

Soon You’ll Get Better
This song is very sad. I would recommend only listening to it once because if Andrea Swift dies, I die.

False God
The only song on the entire album I skip, I just cannot with the sax at the very beginning and I say sax loosely because I’m not Mozart, I don’t know instruments. Whatever that sound is in the beginning warms me, nope, nope, not today.

You Need To Calm Down
Sometimes when songs are released as singles before the album comes out, it can become bothersome and you start to hate it, which I think could have happened to this song, but really this song is very good and fun and something you know damn well you will shout at the concert and in the car and in your bathroom and every morning your boss tells you to do something.

Afterglow
I’m going to be honest. I have not sat with this song like I have with others. But I really want to know what Joe did for her to blow up like this. I think this is Taylor’s second apology song ever? And much better than Back To December, don’t @ me.

TELL ME THAT YOU’RE STILL MINE
TELL ME THAT WE’LL BE JUST FINE
EVEN WHEN I LOSE MY MIND

TELL ME THAT IT’S NOT MY FAULT
TELL ME THAT I’M ALL YOU WANT
EVEN WHEN I BREAK YOUR HEART

WOW. Relatable.

ME!
Brendon Urie is hot.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend
This is my favorite song on the album??????????????????????? It sounds creepy to me, but it’s actually a very sweet song and is Taylor Swift married???????? I really need to know??????????????

Church bells rings / Carry me home / Rice on the ground /  Looks like snow

She’s married?????????????????????????????????????????????

Daylight
I do not know why, but this song makes me sad, especially when she starts talking at the end about wanting to be remembered for the things she loves, not hates, and it’s like wow. The tone and melody (?????) sounds sad to me?????????? I’m sad?

I ONCE BELIEVED LOVE WOULD BE BURNING RED BUT IT’S GOLDEN

Wow, what a great callback to her Red album, wow, amazing, f**k Jake Gyllenhaal.

Never Watch The Original Grease Again

My iTunes says I have watched Grease Live 19 times, but I know it’s more than that. I watched it the night it premiered on FOX on Jan. 31, 2016. I watched it the next day. I watched at least three times that next week. And I watch it almost every day I have time (I always have time).

Of course I don’t watch it from beginning to end, there is a method to my madness, which I will explain later on in this blog if you can hold tight for five seconds.

But Grease Live is so much better than the original Grease, like I literally cannot even begin to explain how but let me try. First of all, you know how in the original Grease, you always skipped Danny’s solo where he sang “Sandy” at the drive-thru? You skipped it because John Travolta is creepy and scary looking and there were those random cartoon characters dancing in the background and you were 8 years old and like, “Did I just accidentally trip some acid?” In Grease Live, there are no cartoon characters or John Travolta because he doesn’t play Danny Zuko. Aaron Tveit, God’s gift to Broadway and this world, plays Danny Zuko. And his rendition of “Sandy” is actually good. 28-year-old you is like, “I like this! Even without acid!”

Second, you know how in the original Grease, you can’t tell Kenickie and Leo apart because they are both white guys with gel in their hair and one has bad acne scars but you can never remember which one and once again, you’re 8 years old and your parents are letting you watch this very problematic movie and you’re like, “Who is who?” Well in Grease Live you can tell them apart because one, you’re not 8 years old anymore and your attention to detail has slightly improved and also because Kenickie is played by a guy named Carlos and Leo is played by an Australian, so it’s way easier to tell them apart.

Also, you know how in the original Grease, everyone looked roughly 47 years old even though they were playing high schoolers, and you were like, “I know I’m only 8, but this seems off!” Well because Grease Live was filmed in 2016, skincare has vastly improved and everyone looks better and younger and Julianne Hough is a goddess who can’t be touched and also you don’t have to stare at John Travolta for two hours. Improvement!

ALSO, Vanessa Hudgens plays Rizzo instead of that other woman who actually scared me as an 8-year-old.

Overall, Grease is an incredibly problematic movie, considering Sandy literally becomes a bad girl to win over Danny and Danny also sexually assaults Sandy at the drive-thru and Danny is literally embarrassed to be seen with Sandy and throughout the entire movie, Sandy and Danny don’t share one nice moment, but besides all of that, it’s the best movie in the world! The singing is so great! I mean “Summer Nights” is a great song because it’s like, who is lying? Sandy or Danny? I personally think Danny is lying through his teeth and Sandy isn’t, but that’s another blog post for another day. Also, the dancing! Remember “Greased Lightning?” A great song to dance to no matter what kind of mood you’re in. I mean, “the chick’s cream!” That of course was changed to “the chick’s scream” for Grease Live, but they did keep “Did she put up a fight” in “Summer Nights” because you truly can’t win them all, can you!

Of course, if you plan on watch Grease Live for the first time, it’s available on iTunes for a few bucks, I’m sure, I actually don’t know. I bought my copy a long time ago. It’s also available on YouTube because it shows up on my suggestions every day. But if you want to watch it, of course watch it the entire way through because you must see everything. Like when Boyz II Men sing “Beauty School Dropout” or when Jessie J sings “Grease Is The Word” at the beginning. Or the dance off is so good! And the ending is so good! Or when Vanessa Hudgens sings “There Are Worst Things” and she’s on the verge of tears and you know just a few days before, her dad died in real life, but she’s pushing through like a true performer. Ah, it’s all so good!

But once you watch it like three times all the way through, there are some moments you are allowed to skip. I am a licensed professional when it comes to this because I’ve seen it so many times. First, you can 100% skip Carly Ray Jepsen’s solo right before “Beauty School Dropout.” It’s not very good and she kind of messes up at one point and I just suggest skipping it just for own health. Also, you can skip anytime the principal is talking in the office because that is just there to serve as a buffer for the actors to get to one sound stage to the other (this was a full production LIVE, people). There’s also a solo by Keke Palmer during the sleepover and it’s fine, not great. It’s called “Freddy My Love.” It’s not in the original movie but it is in the stage version. It’s not great, so go ahead and skip. Without a doubt, you can most certainly skip the car race scene at the end. It’s extra cringe-worthy because they are on a studio lot, so the cars are going nowhere and it’s bad. Skip it, skip it, skip it. However, there’s a scene where Danny is trying out for sports and Jordan Fischer is playing “Magic Changes” in the background and that part is v good, you should definitely not skip that part.

Once you watch Grease Live, I can guarantee you you will never need to see the original Grease again. Wow, what did I miss, I wrote this in 15 minutes.

I Moved To LA

In April. But this blog is in July. OK, it’s August. I started writing this post in July and then got bored and fell asleep and now it’s August and I can’t sleep, so I will try again.

I just looked and I didn’t blog any of June or July, which is the first time I have gone two whole months not blogging. Someone take away my blogging license!!! I haven’t been blogging because every single ounce of creative energy in my body goes toward writing for money because right now that’s the only way I make money. So blogging for free is my last priority and considering approximately zero people have asked me about my blog, I’m guessing y’all are fine and this blog is simply something I create to put out into the void of the world wide web!!!!!!!

Back to LA. On one hand it feels like I’ve been here forever because when I think back to the first week I was here, it feels like a century ago. Isn’t that fascinating? Like when someone says, oh man, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I graduated high school, and you’re like, cool! Neat!

But I’m sure all of y’all are DYING to know what I’ve been up to, so let’s do the damn thing!!!!

Car got totaled
This was the worst morning ever. My car got towed and I thought it was because I had violated some parking rules. But when I got to the tow place and the nice man walked me out to my car, I saw a completely ruined car. I cried. A lot. The nice man called me Texas and told me to call my insurance. I did. Car ended up being totaled. I didn’t cry when they told me that but I did have a small panic attack.

I’ve lost weight maybe?
Not sure because the only time I weigh myself is when I go to the doctor, but my friends keep telling me I look thinner. Actually, at one of the Airbnbs we stayed at, there was a scale in the bathroom, so I did weigh myself and then I called my doctor to ask what my past weights were and I hadn’t lost any weight, but I guess I look thinner? DIET TIP: BE POOR. YOU WON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GORGE ON FOOD!!!! LIFE HACK, BABES!!!

Got called a whore on public transit
What more do you need to know? Old man who I assume was high or drunk. Called me a whore.

I live in a 450-square-foot studio apartment that costs $1,400 a month
People tell me that’s cheap for LA.

Got published places
Here and here and here and here.

Edit: I was supposed to link to articles every time I wrote “here” but like who has the energy. Just follow me on Twitter.

Discovered so many great outdoor malls
The Grove and Americana at Brand are my places. I love malls. Brad does too. We love going to malls together. I buy things and he just walks around. At Americana at Brand, there’s a patio outside the Barnes and Noble overlooking the mall and sometimes we go out there and just sit and argue about whether it would be awesome or horrible to live in the apartments above the mall. Then I tell him about my plans to write a book. And then he tells me what books I need to buy to learn about writing a book and I’m all, ugh, I hate reading!!!!!

Met one of my favorite YouTubers
Kristin Johns. I love her. Look it up. She has a baby voice but eventually you get used to it and learn to love it. Anyway, I interviewed her husband and when I went to meet her husband, she was there. I didn’t take a photo.

Saw JoJo Siwa and Liza Koshy in Target in Hollywood
Saw Liza Koshy first. Didn’t take a photo. Then a few weeks later I saw JoJo Siwa. Didn’t take a photo. Going to the Target in Hollywood and scouting for celebs and just observing them is my new hobby.

Update: Today Ed Helms ran right past me!!!!

Went to VidCon and cussed everyone out there
It’s a whole highlight on my Instagram. The people loved the content. Looking to become an IG star any day now.

Lived without air conditioning
Sometimes the weather in LA hits like 90 degrees, which is hot, but like I’m from Texas lol, i’m fine, but when there’s no air conditioning in your tiny apartment and you use the oven to cook everything, things get hot!

And a dishwasher
No dishwasher in this tiny apartment. I watched a YouTube video on how to hand wash your dishes and then bought a dish rack and then sent it to my home in Garland, so now I just lay out wet dishes on a 70 cent dish rag from IKEA.

Slept on an air mattress
This was awful and it deflated within like the first week. Hips touched the ground. They quickly became sore. It was awful.

Got kicked out of an Airbnb
This one probably deserves it’s own post. Like and comment if you want that, babes!

Felt really lonely
I don’t really know anyone in LA except for Brad. So I get lonely sometimes. Wow! This blog post is so raw. I am so brave for opening up about my loneliness. I refrain from sharing the #sad moments on the blog because my mom has been known to put me on suicide watch and it’s like mom, I don’t have time for that!

Felt really happy
But on the flipside, I’ve felt really happy at times! You know how the heat never breaks in Texas? It does in LA. So sometimes around like 7 p.m., Brad and I will walk to the grocery store and the weather is so nice and lovely, I almost forget about the homeless man smoking something out of an empty juice carton a few feet away from me.

Excited to wake up
I don’t necessarily mean I wasn’t excited to wake up before, but starting over in a new town with freelance writing is really exciting for me! Exclamation mark! Let me brag about my life for a second and make you feel bad about yours! It’s the internet! Right now, I’m enjoying waking up and seeing if any editors responded to my pitches. That might sound lame, but it’s the truth. Writing is truly the only thing I really really love and I know how lucky I am to get to do what I want to do. I was the opposite of excited to go to work in Dallas and I know eventually this excitement will wear off, but I’m happy to ride it out.

Discovered Tilamook ice cream
Leaving Texas meant leaving Tex Mex and other things I can’t think of right now because all I can think of is Tex Mex. And Blue Bell! Occasionally, while Brad and I are in a grocery store, he’ll trick me by saying, omg, look, there’s Blue Bell! And I fall for it every time and there never is. But there is Tilamook! It’s a dairy brand and we’ve tried all its ice cream flavors and it is so so so good. Better than Blue Bell? I’m not sure!

Got in the ocean
And then parts of a dead bird washed up on my feet, so I went back to my towel! But the ocean! Beautiful.

A Timeline Of My Daniel-Tosh-Is-Married Meltdown

OMG

I’m not ok. But I’m smiling through the tears.

7:06 p.m. PST May 7, 2019
Tosh.0 is on. It’s an episode I haven’t seen.

7:11 p.m.
I spy a silver ring on his left hand ring finger.

7:12 p.m.
I tweet.

I continue watching the episode. I smile throughout. I love Daniel Tosh. He was the first comedian I fell in love with. I love him. I love this show. Why did I ever stop watching it? It’s so good.

I bet the ring on his finger is some kind of gag. Like the season of Brad Pitt characters. Or cabin couture. Or athleisure. I bet this is the season of wedding rings.

7:16 p.m.
I’m going to google it just to make sure.

7:17 p.m.
Daniel Tosh is married.

I tweet.

I post a Facebook status.

I immediately recognize the name of the wife. She’s a writer for the show. I remember tweeting her once.

I remember Daniel Tosh tweeting me once.

I try to find the time Daniel Tosh tweeted me.

He’s deleted all his tweets. 🙂

I’m not ok. 🙂

Will I ever be ok. 🙂

The only person around is my boyfriend and I can’t exactly tell him how upset I am that another comedian is married.

7:32 p.m.
I find an old screenshot of the time Daniel Tosh tweeted me.

7:41 p.m.
I tweet a photo of his wife saying “Good thing she’s extremely ugly.”

7:55 p.m.
My friend DMs me on Twitter asking who I am publicly shaming. I tell her it’s obviously sarcastic, like obviously the wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and my world is falling apart.

7:57 p.m.
I reply to my tweet, making it clear I’m kidding just in case the wife finds it, like that one time Kliff Kingsbury’s girlfriend found my tweets about her.

Undetermined time
I go to sleep.

I dream that I met Daniel Tosh and his wife. Daniel Tosh was so old he had to walk with a cane. I tell the wife that I had a Twitter meltdown over the marriage. She laughs. She tells Daniel. Daniel comes out of his bedroom with his cane and laughs at me having a meltdown.

I wake up.

10:52 a.m. PST May 8, 2019
I tweet that it wasn’t a nightmare, Daniel Tosh is really married.

10:53 a.m. 
My boyfriend replies to my tweet saying it’s tough being single.

I wonder if he’s actually mad at me. I offer to delete the tweet.

Turns out he’s not actually mad.

I stop talking and tweeting about Daniel Tosh around him. I do all my investigating silently.

I find the wife’s blog. I read it. I decide I’m just as funny as she is.

I convince myself that I also could write for a comedy television show. I tell all of my friends this. They encourage my wild dreams.

I google the wife once more. I find a photo of her wearing bootcut jeans. Men truly don’t care about fashion, just good faces, it’s amazing. I find out that they got secretly married three years ago and nobody knew. There are no wedding photos. There is absolutely no evidence of this except that the wife now uses Tosh as a last name when she’s credited on Brooklyn 99, the TV show she writes for.

I try to put it behind me. This blog is my goodbye. I will always love you, Daniel Tosh.

I also love my boyfriend, another comedian.

Everything I Now Know About The Avengers


THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS SPOILERS, SO STOP READING THIS IF YOU CARE. DON’T COME FOR ME.

Brad and I went to see Avengers: Endgame on Friday. I did this because a) I was bored b) I was trying to be a good girlfriend c) I thought it would be nice to do this for him, considering he let me listen to Taylor Swift’s “ME!” on repeat the night before.

I have never seen any Marvel movie ever. I don’t think. One time Brad enticed me to watch the one with Chris Pratt with the promise that he takes his shirt off and I watched until he took his shirt off and then I went to bed, so like I don’t remember much except a talking raccoon.

So I went to see this movie with zero knowledge of anything or anybody or anything or whatever.

What I know now:

  • Black Panther is a Marvel character. Didn’t know that.
  • Chris Evans is the worst Chris ever. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Pratt is only in the movie for a total of four minutes, it’s honestly so disrespectful.
  • Mark Ruffalo and Paul Rudd are not the same person.
  • Mark Ruffalo plays the Hulk???????????????????????????? This is weird, right???????????
  • Scarlett Johannson is in these movies????????????????
  • Scarlett Johannson cannot be in a movie without coming across as an absolute slut, I’m sorry, I said it, I don’t mean to slut-shame, but it’s the only word I know to use. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Hemsworth is fine.
  • Chris Pine is not in this movie.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow just will not go away.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow looks awful with bangs.
  • Robert Downey, Jr. is great, I like him.
  • The little boy who plays Spider-Man, I love him, he’s so cute, I want more of him.
  • Evangeline Lilly and Kate Beckinsale are not the same person and only one of them is in Avengers: Endgame, but I don’t remember which.
  • I don’t understand Brie Larson and I would like to go back to school to study and analyze why she was cast as the only Marvel woman superhero.
  • Elizabeth Olsen is unique????????
  • Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie. He’s not Marvel?
  • Zoe Saldana just like won’t quit.
  • Thanos is not Theranos, the Elizabeth Holmes company.
  • Endgame is one word, ok lol
  • Loki is a bad guy????? lol Taylor Swift agrees, amirite lolololol
  • Benedict Cumberbatch is Marvel????? Isn’t he like Dr. Who?????? What is he doing here???
  • I cannot sit still for 15 minutes, let alone three hours.
  • My boyfriend hates seeing movies with me; my boyfriend hates me.
  • No, like, my boyfriend literally asked me to leave one hour into seeing the movie because I kept moving around so much. 🙂

All of that said, there are really only two things I want to dive into when it comes to this movie. Here we go.

Chris Evans should not be a movie star. He is the worst Chris in the lineup of Hollywood Chrises, this will not be discussed any further except for the things I want to say about it. He offers absolutely nothing to the movie. He is so boring and his character is so boring. He is not attractive. He is boring. I literally cannot believe he’s a working actor, like I am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who let this happen!!!!!!!!!!! However, Chris Evans as an old man at the end of the movie is far and beyond hotter present day Chris, idk i like dads.

Second thing. I literally cannot believe Jeremy Renner and ScarJo did not make out, like I really thought we were going to get an affair storyline, wow, I am still shocked writing this. I also literally cannot believe Chris Evans and ScarJo didn’t make out. I thought oh, for sure, they’ve had a thing in the past and they will rekindle it during this movie. But they didn’t!!! There was no kissing!!!! ScarJo doesn’t even have any superpowers!!!! What does she do!!!! I liked when she died.

That is all I have to say about this three-hour movie. Go listen to “ME!” by Taylor Swift. Thank you.

My Relationship With Colton Underwood

Here’s a fun thing to know about me: I didn’t watch one single episode of The Bachelor this season. I … just … couldn’t.

I just like could not be convinced that Colton was interested in women and I just couldn’t go an entire season hearing about his virginity and I also didn’t watch Becca’s season, so like I didn’t know Colton and all I knew about him was actually I knew a lot of things.

1. Virgin
2. Dated Aly Raisman, the actual queen of the world
3. Dated Tia from Arie’s season
4. Was stuck in a love triangle with Tia and Becca
5. Virgin

But once the finale of The Bachelor aired and it was the most dramatic non-rose ceremony ever, I watched Cassie and Colton’s press tour. I like to watch the final couple’s press tour each year because I like to guess if they will last (I thought Kaitlyn and Shawn and JoJo and Jordan would be over in three months, so like I shouldn’t go to Vegas or anything).

Anyway, I soon became so obsessed with Cassie that I tracked down The Bachelor‘s makeup artist, DMed her on not one but two social media platforms, asked what color blush Cassie was wearing, bought the blush, and I still look the same.

Then I watched Cassie’s reality show she was on before The Bachelor about Christian college students and you know, some shows just weren’t meant to be made.

Then I discovered Cassie’s sister, who Jimmy Kimmel said should be the next Bachelorette, and then her boyfriend posted on Instagram like um, no, Jimmy, she’s mine and I was like aww that’s cute and then I stalked Michelle (Cassie’s sister) on Instagram and asked a total of three people if she was the most beautiful person they had ever seen.

Brad, my boyfriend, said no.

Cheryl, my mother, said no.

And Greg, my father, said she’s not even the most beautiful person at this table (Cheryl and I were at the table).

But all of those people are wrong because Michelle is by far the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

So then I stalked all three on social media and learned Michelle is a tiny bit annoying because you truly cannot be beautiful and sane. And then I discovered that Colton like really loves Cassie or at least pretends to really love Cassie and I think Cassie just really doesn’t know what she wants????? Does she even like Colton????? I’m concerned????

Then I had a dream about Colton and basically I was Cassie and Colton was really obsessed with me and I was like awww, this is sweet, I like you Colton and now in real life, I have a completely different perception of Colton in my mind. Now I’m into him.

So with my new obsession, I tried to watch some clips of The Bachelor so I could feel warm and fuzzy and pretend like Colton was into me and then I saw this clip with these beach shorts and I truly just could not.

it’s a no from me, dawg

My Friends Think I’m A Carrie; My Boyfriend Thinks I’m A Charlotte

Wow, remember Sex And The City? That show was really good until you turn about 25 and then suddenly, you’re like, wait, this show is v v bad?????

Carrie, a SEX columnist, is like comically closed-minded. Remember when she didn’t believe you could be bisexual? And remember that time Samantha slept with a black guy and the entire episode was black jokes. And remember that time she didn’t want to get on Berger’s motorcycle bc of her ugly hairdo. WOW. What a horribly great show.

Anyway, one time my friends and me and my boyfriend got to discussing which character I am most like. Everyone is someone. There are only four types of women in the world and you must fit into one of them.

So, let’s review the women.

There’s Carrie. She’s the writer and who the entire show is based around. She has two great loves, Aiden and Big. Aiden is sweet and amazing and Big is supposed to be the dick, but really when you watch it with an older eye, you realize Big wasn’t a dick; Carrie was just a nut.

Then there’s Miranda. She’s the cynic and doesn’t believe in soulmates. She has a great line in the series about men and their lights. When men decide they’re ready to get married, their light will come on and then they’ll pick a woman and marry her. Doesn’t mean they like her.

Samantha is the one who sleeps with every male in New York. Her boss. Her intern. Man on the street. A priest. She dates this really hot actor at the end of the series but dumps him because he wants a relationship.

And finally Charlotte. She’s the prude and the one who believes in true love and all she wants is to get married and have babies.

Brad, my boyfriend, is hellbent on the fact that I’m a Charlotte.

My friends believe I’m a Carrie.

If I had a say, I would say I’m a hybrid between Carrie and Miranda. Remember that scene where the four of them are at brunch and Carrie asks if any of them have read her column and none of them had? That is my life. Every day.

But then I think I’m a Miranda because sometimes I just like truly cannot with the things my friends believe and say.

But to find out for sure I took five quizzes from five different websites. Let’s see what they say.

Buzzfeed: Miranda

Cosmo: Miranda
BrainFall: Carrie
MagiQuiz: Carrie
EW: Carrie
So there you have it. Three out of five websites think I’m a Carrie and the other two believe I’m a Miranda. But I am NOT a Charlotte. Only Brad thinks I’m innocent.