I Now Wake Up In The Middle of The Night To Pee

Being 28 years old means these things:

  1. You survived the 27 Club
  2. You are almost 30
  3. You are no longer in your early 20s
  4. You’re the age Paul McCartney was when he went solo
  5. You get up in the middle of the night to pee
The last one (No. 5) has been the most shocking. At 5 a.m. this morning, I found myself stumbling to the bathroom and taking a nice long pee. Never in my 28 years before have I woken up from a (sober) slumber and peed. If I did happen to do this, it was because I was still drunk (or hungover).
Old people always talk about having to get up in the middle of the night to pee.Β 
Conversation:
Old people: “Wow, last night I got up to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep.”
Young people: “Wow, I slept through the night.”
Old people: “Yeah, I eventually just went to the couch and watched TV (the old person is married in this situation and can’t wake up their partner).”
Young people: “Wow, haha, yeah.”
I am now the old person in this scenario. But luckily for me, nothing can keep me awake for too long, so right after I get up to pee, I am back in bed and snuggled in and back to sleep.
There is also a 97 percent chance I have to pee in the middle of the night because of the acne medication I’m on. It says peeing a lot is a side effect, but I also think it’s because I’m old now.

Being A Social Justice Warrior Is Hard

At the beginning of 2018, I was an ignorant but blissful fool, just trying to navigate the world as a social justice warrior.

It was 2018, merely one year ago, that I decided to give up fast fashion. Fashion that is fast. It wasn’t even that I wanted more sustainable fashion or clothes that would last longer, I really just wanted to put my money where my mouth was. If I was going to be against sex trafficking, I was going to be against labor trafficking. Read: I didn’t want a 6-year-old trafficked child to make my clothes in some factory in a third-world country.

So I gave it up. No more Forever 21 or H&M or Zara. These places are relatively cheap (kind of: when did Zara get so expensive), so I figured they would have a lower risk of their clothes being made in sweat shops.

For all of 2018, I pretty much only shopped at Nordstrom and Urban Outfitters and the occasional thrift store. Listen, I had zero reason to believe these places were ok and morally conscious except for the fact that they are a little bit more expensive, so I figured the labor situations were fine. Or at least not bad.

Well you know what happens when you figure.

A few months ago, at the beginning of 2019, I found an article on The Cut about how another woman gave up fast fashion for the year. Another social justice warrior just like me, I see. I clicked and read. She wrote that she uses an app called Good on You.

So I download the app and began searching.

And that’s when everything I once knew became a lie.

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I first search my one and only, my beginning, my end, Nordstrom.

This was shocking and heartbreaking and honestly, I’m still not doing well.

So then I search Topshop, which is the main brand I buy at Nordstrom.

Topshop’s rating was a little bit better, but not great. The Good on You app does an average rating based on labor, environment and animal. I really only care about the labor if I’m being honest and that seems to be where brands fail most often.

So then I search Urban Outfitters.

“Not good enough.”

Free People, you know like people being free and earth and peace and flair jeans and chokers that cost $75.

“Not good enough.”

So then I’m like, ok I’ll check the brands that I KNOW are bad. Looking at you, Forever 21 and H&M.

Forever 21 was also “not good enough,” meaning it’s in the SAME CATEGORY AS NORDSTROM.

H&M had 3 out of 5 stars with a “it’s a start rating,” which was honestly mind-blowing and also sad because I don’t even like H&M.

Then I was like let’s check out Zara. You know Zara, the company that was once accused of having a rat sewn into a dress and accused of having a “help me” message sewn into some clothing from the poor workers. Or something like that, I don’t wanna fact check.

Welp, their rating was also “it’s a start” and more specifically, their labor rating was “good.” So what do I know, I know simply nothing.

Basically all I can buy is Reformation and I’m too fat and poor for that brand.

Dr. Payge Column: Nothing 2 Advil And A Hot Shower Can’t Fix

Hello, welcome to this column I just made up called Dr. Payge (my friends call me Dr. Payge and idk why) Gives Medical Advice.

In today’s column, I going to explain why all you really need in life is a bottle of Advil and a hot shower. Here we go.

Headache? 2 Advil and a hot shower

Hungover? 2 Advil and a hot shower

Drunk? 2 Advil and a hot shower

Period cramps? 2 Advil and a hot shower

Anxious? Hot shower

Depressed? Hot shower

Bored? Hot shower

Bad day at work? Hot shower

Took your happy pill too late? 2 Advil and a hot shower

Common cold? Hot shower

Cold and your roommates won’t let you turn on the heater? Hot shower

Bad makeup day? Hot shower

Thank you. Do you need help with your health? Comment down below and Dr. Payge may feature your problems in a coming blog.

I Guess We All Have A Shot With Chris Pratt, Ok Then

I have a v complicated relationship with Chris Pratt in that I have no relationship with him at all. Yet I have spent hours upon hours watching YouTube videos of him being interviewed to try and decide if I like him. Is he funny? Is he hot? Would I enjoy being around him?

My boyfriend one time tried to entice me into watching Guardians of the Galaxy by advertising that Chris Pratt goes shirtless in it for a few seconds. It worked because I watched it but it wasn’t with the same eagerness if you would have told me Chris Pine was going shirtless. Like, yes Chris Pratt is hot but am I like overcome with emotion at the thought of him going shirtless?????? Not really?????

And is he funny? I’m not sure???? Yes, I love Parks and Rec. And yes, I love that blooper of him joking about Kim Kardashian. But was he my favorite character on the show??? I’m not sure??????

Like, in my deepest gut, I think Chris Pratt is probably a good guy and probably treats those around him well. And in the dozens of interviews I watched, he seemed to be a better sport with journalists than his co-star Jennifer Lawrence. But like am I overcome with laughter when Chris Pratt speaks?????? I’m not sure?????

ALL OF THIS SAID CHRIS PRATT IS STILL LIKE THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR IN THE WORLD AND I WOULD BE NOTHING IF NOT FLATTERED IF HE WAS EVER INTERESTED IN ME.

SO WITH THAT SAID, ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL PRATT IS DATING A FASHION BLOGGER????????????????????????????????????

And before you come for me, yes, I know his fashion blogger girlfriend is also the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, but my father is Greg Skinner and my mother is Cheryl Skinner and I don’t understand why someone’s parents would have anything to do with landing who you date.

Chris Pratt dating a Schwarzenegger serves no purpose. He doesn’t need the money. He doesn’t need the publicity. He doesn’t need the in on California politics. Chris Pratt has nothing to gain by being in a family with an illegitimate brother. WHICH LEADS US TO ONE CONCLUSION: HE IS DATING KATHERINE BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER.

Which is just. Hmm. Umm. Amazing. I am happy 4 her so happy 4 u kat but I guess I’m just confused because like ?????????????????????????????

In my small, judgmental mind, Chris Pratt should be dating a model. A Gigi Hadid. A model with long, shiny legs who also took a few college courses so she seems more well-rounded. Or maybe a Margot Robbie! But a fashion blogger?????? Is????? Just?????? Unique????????

No hate to fashion bloggers but it’s like the most basic occupation alive. It’s white women convincing brands to give them free shit in exchange for an Instagram post. It’s not exactly riveting or making the world a better place (bc you know acting is).

But another thing, it would be different if Katherine was getting paid by like Chanel or Neimans or Gucci, but this girl is getting paid by American Eagle. Technically Aerie, but don’t let Aerie’s cute and jazzed up name confuse you. IT’S AN OFFSHOOT OF AMERICAN EAGLE.

i just wow i am at a loss for words but let me try

I am positive Katherine is pretty and maybe even funny and I’m sure she has a lot to offer. This relationship is just so frustrating because it’s like oh I guess we all have a shot with Chris Pratt??????? Good to know???????? Chris Pratt isn’t shallow and dates someone based on whether he likes them or not??????? MIND BLOWING.

FURTHERMORE, the above photo haunts me. Mainly because who called the paps to take the pics? I’m sorry but they are in Santa Barbara and there are no paps in Santa Barbara, so either Chris’ camp or Katherine’s camp called the paps so they could be spotted together. And that URKS me. HOLLYWOOD URKS ME.

amazing. all of it. just. amazing.

The Blog About The Time I Met Taylor Alison Swift

4:47 p.m. My dad and I are popping breath mints because we are about to meet Taylor Alison Swift.

6:06 p.m. My dad and I are running through AT&T Stadium, weaving in and out of security and teenagers, trying to get to our spot on time.

Do not ask me how and why, but for some reason Taylor Swift’s publicist emailed me and asked if I wanted to meet Taylor Alison Swift.

Well, I do know and it’s because of this tweet. Apparently they thought it was funny. #ThanksDad #ThanksDrew

Tree Paine told my father and I to be at AT&T Stadium at 6 p.m. So I went to work that day, asked my boss if I could leave early, and then my dad picked me up at 4:45 p.m.

On the way there, we run into some traffic. And by traffic, I mean stand-still traffic.

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The maps app updates and says we would get there at 5:40 p.m. Plenty of time, I assure my father, whose blood pressure was rising at a rate I didn’t think was possible.

The traffic continues to not move. The app updates and says we will get there at 5:52 p.m.

The entire time we are sitting in traffic from hell, I cannot get my parking pass to show up on my phone. Taylor Swift’s team was kind enough to send me a parking pass, but even though I accepted it through my Ticketmaster app, it wasn’t showing up in my account.

However, I assure myself I will be able to flirt with someone at the parking lot and it won’t be a problem. HAHA ENTITLED WHITE WOMAN, AMIRITE. I had my confirmation code, I just didn’t have the actual pass and this was going to be my argument to some poor parking lot attendant.

5:55 p.m. rolls around and we can’t find our parking lot because roads are blocked off and people aren’t turning right on a red light and also the world hates us.

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We finally get there and my flirting does not work. I repeat, it does not work, someone get out the Guiness World Record book pls. The parking attendant says go to the next parking attendant. That parking attendant says go to the next parking attendant. That parking attendant says, hold on. My dad throws a credit card in her general direction and says, FORGET IT, WE WILL PAY. WHAT IS $50 WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO MEET THE QUEEN OF POP, THE PRINCESS OF PERFECTION, THE CENTER OF OUR WORLD.

We park the car in the first spot we can find and I get out and immediately start running toward the stadium. Running. I didn’t know which direction to go, but I just start running in my brand new vegan Doc Martens I had just bought for the occasion.

Vegan Doc Martens are not running shoes, who knew.

My father is running behind me in black cowboy boots.

Cowboy boots are not running shoes, who knew.

I find will call. I tell the will call man that I am with the media and I need my tickets. He tells me media needs to meet between entrances J and K. It’s 6 p.m.

J and K, what foreshadowing.

I run toward a general direction, asking each worker along the way where to go. I finally get there. I am out of breath and sweating. My father is not far behind. He’s panting.

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I meet the PR guy for the Dallas Cowboys, whom I have had a lot of interaction with via email. He tells me we are in the right spot and he is concerned that my dad and I are panting. We try telling him we are late to meet Taylor, but I don’t think he heard, slash I don’t think he understood. I think he thought we were just crazy. I am looking for Tree everywhere, but I do not see her.

Cowboys PR guy cannot find our tickets.

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I Twitter DM another reporter who is also supposed to meet Taylor.

It’s 6:06 p.m.

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Cowboys PR guy tells us to go back to will call.

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We tell him will call sent us here.

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We go back to will call.

I find the same will call guy and tell him to give me my tickets. I am sweating at this point.

Inside the envelope with our tickets is a green sheet giving us instructions. I see a bold number and start running.

My father and I go through security and ask where to go.

They point us in a direction.

We start running.

We are weaving in and out of people casually strolling because there is still another hour until the concert even begins.

We ask another worker where to go.

Points.

We run.

My feet and legs are cramping at this point. I start to walk because I can’t run anymore. My father, in his nicest cowboy boots, is running ahead of me.

We ask another person where to go.

They point.

We run.

We go downstairs.

I FB message the other reporter.

It’s 6:11 p.m.

We finally reach a worker and he yells at me to stop running. I obey. He walks us down to the floor. A man holding an iPad tries to stop me to ask a question. I shout NO and keep running, thinking he is trying to sell me something or get me to take a survey.

I see Tree and she embraces me with her arms and tells me she just emailed me to see if we were close. The man with the iPad was Taylor’s team and he was trying to ask if I was looking for Tree, but I interrupted.

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I interrupted someone on Taylor Swift’s team.

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My dad and I can’t breathe. We are sweating.

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Tree leads us to the back to meet Taylor. I talk to Tree for a few minutes and I only had 136 questions to ask her, but I asked none of them because I didn’t want to seem too nosy. I tried to impress her by casually saying, “Didn’t Jack Ingram and Taylor Swift get signed to Big Machine Records at the same time? I can remember watching old videos of Taylor and Jack was with her.” She said yes. Verdict is still out if she was impressed.

JoJo Fletcher is back there with us but not in our same group. My dad tries to take a picture of her without her knowing and I say, no, you can’t do that. So then he makes me take a picture with her and I am a walrus standing next to her and also just a walrus.

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Tree then leads us back to the Rep Room and I’m not allowed to talk about what we talked about, but Taylor is the nicest, kindest, most real person you can ever imagine. When my dad and I walked in, she told him he had seen the text he sent me and was “cracking up.” We hugged like three times. It was amazing.

What My Beto Dreams Mean For The Election



Hello!!!! This is a political blog now!!! Can you believe it!!!!

I spend most of my time thinking about Beto O’Rourke. Isn’t he tired? Isn’t his wife tired? AlsoΒ Isn’t he tired?

I also spend a lot of my time looking through his Instagram account. Who is running it? What is the goal? I also like to go through who likes each photo to see which one of my friends also enjoys Beto. I also like to comment “Daddy” on some of the photos. 10/10 would recommend these activities if you can’t sleep.

Because I spend so much time thinking about and looking at Beto before sleepy time, of course I have had a few dreams about him.

Let’s review them.

First Dream
I cannot remember the first dream I had about him. That sucks.

What this means: Things are forever, memories are fleeting.

Second Dream
The second dream I was like working on his campaign??? lol??? And I went back to his house???? But like not like that. He invited me back to his place and we drove home in his car and his kids were in the backseat being very vulgar and vile and I was like y’all are politician kids???? You can’t cuss??? Beto just laughed. Then people from high school showed up in the dream and then it became a nightmare.

What this means: Beto would think I am funny.

Third Dream
In my third dream, we were at a family reunion and Beto was there being Beto?? Trying to upstage my uncle who is an astronaut, lol. My sister and I were fighting over him and when it was time for him to leave, my sister walked him out and I was mad. But when she came back inside, she said he called her by my name, so ultimately I won.

What this means: Beto would never choose between me and my sister if someone made him.

That’s all, thank u, next.

I Have Proof I’m A Fatass, Yay


8:11 p.m. Sunday, Aug. 26, 2018

I am eating puppy chow. My roommate is on the couch with me. Brad is in my kitchen making me waffles. I drop a puppy chow bite. My roommate won’t let her dog eat it, so I must go throw it away.

I stand up.

I walk to the kitchen to throw away said puppy show.

The TV is playing. My roommate is watching a show called “The Innocents.” The volume is loud. The subtitles are still on.

As I’m opening the trash can, I hear a loud beating.

I figure it’s coming from upstairs. My upstairs neighbors are loud.

My roommate pauses the TV.

Brad exasperated says, “You make me wanna smoke.”

I am confused.

They tell me the downstairs neighbors just beat on their ceiling because we were being too loud.

I was the only one walking.

I am a fatass.

*This is not the first time someone has told me I stomp. My college roommate told me I stomped. Brad has told me several times I stomp. Brad told me when we first started dating, he thought I was mad all the time. But I was just walking.

This is day 23 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 22 here.