I Have Proof I’m A Fatass, Yay


8:11 p.m. Sunday, Aug. 26, 2018

I am eating puppy chow. My roommate is on the couch with me. Brad is in my kitchen making me waffles. I drop a puppy chow bite. My roommate won’t let her dog eat it, so I must go throw it away.

I stand up.

I walk to the kitchen to throw away said puppy show.

The TV is playing. My roommate is watching a show called “The Innocents.” The volume is loud. The subtitles are still on.

As I’m opening the trash can, I hear a loud beating.

I figure it’s coming from upstairs. My upstairs neighbors are loud.

My roommate pauses the TV.

Brad exasperated says, “You make me wanna smoke.”

I am confused.

They tell me the downstairs neighbors just beat on their ceiling because we were being too loud.

I was the only one walking.

I am a fatass.

*This is not the first time someone has told me I stomp. My college roommate told me I stomped. Brad has told me several times I stomp. Brad told me when we first started dating, he thought I was mad all the time. But I was just walking.

This is day 23 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 22 here.

I HAVE TRULY FIGURED OUT LIFE’S BIGGEST HACK

I don’t know how I’ve been so blessed with knowing so much but I feel like God gave me this information and power so I could share with my sweet followers.

^im a fashion blogger now

I have a life hack that will make that life hacks Twitter account quiver.

HOW TO SAVE MILLIONS IN ONLINE SHOPPING EXPENSES~~~

This is what you do. You shop online. You add to bag. You go to checkout.

Don’t like what you see? Chat a customer service rep or call a customer service number. Yes. Call. Pick up that phone. Talk to someone. Let me tell you why.

A few months ago I was shopping for cycling shoes for cycling class. I kept comparing prices and Dick’s Sporting Goods had them on sale for 20 percent off. I kept looking at them and didn’t buy them in time for the sale. When I went to eventually buy them, the sale was done. So my cheapass chatted a customer service rep and asked if I could have the discount. AND THEY SAID YES.

Still don’t believe me? LET ME KEEP GOING.

My boyfriend wanted this button-up pearl-snap denim shirt for his birthday. We found it at Dillards and it was a Levi’s shirt and it was v nice and good looking. Dillards was selling it for $50. I said, Oh I can find it for cheaper.

So my cheapass went to macys.com and there it was on sale for I believe $36. Then when I went to check out, the shipping brought the price up to nearly $50, THE SAME PRICE AS DILLARDS.

I called Macy’s customer service line and said, “Can I please have free shipping or else I’m going to buy this shirt from Dillards” and the woman gave me a code over the phone and I got free shipping. NOT ONLY FREE SHIPPING BUT EXPEDITED FREE SHIPPING.

STILL DON’T BELIEVE ME??????

I saw Taylor Swift wearing a green Free People dress and I was like hmmm I have to have it and then I was like hmmm should I and I was like hmmm no dress can make me look like Tay. But then I went to buy it and at check out, the dress became way more expensive because of the shipping and the tax. So my cheapass calls Free People’s customer service line and says, “Hi, I’m looking to buy a dress. Is there a promo code I can have or free shipping?” and then the nice lady named Kay gives me a code for free shipping.

I HAVE FIGURED OUT LIFE’S GREATEST HACK. THANK YOU ALL.

This is day 22 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 21 (which was like four days ago) here.

PMS’s Life Hack To Enjoying Life

Yes, I am aware I missed three whole days in 100 days of blogging. I went out of town this weekend and didn’t bring a computer and didn’t schedule ahead and honestly, didn’t care. I am so sorry kind of.

But I have a life hack that will change your life.

Are you ready for it?

Turn off all notifications on your phone.

I get zero notifications. None from Twitter. None from Instagram. None from Facebook. I even silent my group texts so I only see unread messages when I open the app. The only notifications I get is from my email and that’s because I need the notis for work.

I also get zero news alerts. My phone however does send me one when something is breaking and because I get zero notifications, I know either the president has been shot or he’s tweeted something extremely dumb.

I highly recommend this because anything I do is amazing and because you don’t need your phone going off all the time. You don’t need to know every time someone likes your IG pic. With no notifications, it makes opening IG more fun anyway.

This is my life hack. It will save your life. Please try it for one whole day and report back.

Thank you and goodnight.

This is day 21 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 20 here.

Life Hack: Replace Sonic With A Cooking Boyfriend

i will never forgive sonic for getting rid of this.

This is a short break from Julianne Hough, but I will be back.

I am tired, though. I missed yesterday’s blog and I have two hours to complete this one until the day is over. So I’m going to make it short. Even though all the blog posts are short. This one will be really short.

Here is my life hack:

Make your boyfriend make you frito pie. And then put the frito pie in a tortilla. It gets 10 times better with tortilla. Sonic used to sell a frito pie wrap and it was amazing. Now I make my boyfriend make me a frito pie wrap. Replace fast food with a boyfriend who can cook.

You’re welcome.

This is day 20 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 19 here.

The moment I knew I hit rock bottom: I Pottied My Panties At A Miranda Lambert Concert

This is not the first time I have pottied my pants at a concert.

But last night, Brad and I went to the Miranda Lambert and Little Big Town concert. It was raining. It was hot. It was borderline miserable.

About halfway through Miranda’s set, Pistol Annies came out. Pistol Annies is Miranda’s all-girl country group. They sing “Hell on Heels” and “Takin’ Pills” and they are amazing. In college, my friend and I used to obsess over them. One time, we performed “Hell on Heels” at a party in front of guys. No one thought it was cool, but we loved them so much.

So before Pistol Annies came out on stage, I drank an entire big can of Dos Equis. After that I had to pee, but I didn’t want to leave just in case Miranda sang a song I liked. I honestly thought I could just hold it in the entire concert. But when Pistol Annies came out on stage, I jumped up and threw my hands in the air. And that’s when the pee came out.

It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough. But I kept singing because I wasn’t going to miss Pistol Annies because of a lil pee.

I stayed for another three songs and then went to the restroom.

In the line for the restroom, a couple was behind me. The man kept saying “Excuse me” until I finally turned around. He asked me to hold his beer. I looked at him for about four seconds because I honestly thought I was getting set up. He finally said, “Fine, I’ll ask my wife to hold it.” I was like good idea?????

Then the two women in front of me sarcastically said to me, “You didn’t want to hold that guy’s beer?” So after that one sentence, I was best friends with the two 40-somethings in front of me. Without even thinking, I told them that “I pottied my panties” when Pistol Annies came on stage. One of the women said, “Oh, you must have kids! That happens all the time after you give birth.”

Again, without thinking, I said, “No, I don’t have kids. I just potty my panties sometimes.”

She said, “Oh, you must have been excited then!”

I was.

This is day 17 of 100 days of blogging. I didn’t post anything yesterday. Oops. Read day 16 here.

I Think Will Arnett Has Small Hands But I Still Love Him

It has come to my attention via the 176 YouTube videos I’ve watched of him that Will Arnett has small hands.

However, if you Google it — which I just did — nothing comes up.

Interesting.

Watch below. He has small hands. And it’s not because the iPad is big.

This is day 16 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 15 here.

Why Do I Keep Watching The Gong Show?

There is this show on television (idk wut network dont come for me) that is called The Gong Show. Will Arnett produces it and the first episode was nothing short of brilliant.

Brad introduced me to the show, which is basically a bad talent show. The first episode had Will Arnett and Zack Gallifnakis (idk spelling) as judges and someone else. I think the Asian guy from Hangover? One of the acts was a couple that chewed up bananas and spit them in each other’s mouths. Mike Myers is the host of the show, but he’s playing a different character named Tommy. All of it was a perfect storm for an amazing first episode.

The Gong Show is also how I fell in love with Will Arnett. Since watching that first episode, I have gone on to watch hundreds of Will Arnett interviews on YouTube, his entire Netflix series (which is not good) and a ton of episodes of Arrested Development.

But ever since that first episode, everything is bad. The Gong Show isn’t funny anymore. You can tell when the acts are real and when they’re just random people off the street doing something stupid on stage to fill time.

But I keep watching it. Brad keeps watching it. It’s one of the only shows we can agree on. Why. Why is life like this. I know life isn’t fair, but damn, this one is hard.

This is day 14 of 100 days of blogging. Read day 13 here.