Hi. I just drank a Gloria’s margarita. I’m a lil drunk. Wells and James Taylor are hot. These are my drunken thoughts.
Let’s get started with this episode. I’m excited. Who’s ready. I’m not. Ok.
BUT FIRST, DISCLAIMER: I know a lot of y’all don’t read spoilers and I wish I could but my anxiety causes me to have to know the outcome to everything always. I respect anyone’s decision to refrain from spoilers. I tried really hard to stay away from them for the purpose of blogging this season, but just like that time I tried to give up alcohol for a month, at one low point I found myself with a margarita in front of me.
But this time, take out the margarita and replace it with realitysteve.com. OK, scratch that. I had a margarita while reading Reality Steve. Blogging is hard and requires alcohol, sue me.
I promise I will not give away anything that ruins the ending of the show. But maybe it’s just the super sophisticated journalist in me (v sophisticated), but I like to have background info before falling in love with these men and/or JoJo.
I mean you don’t just go on a date with a guy before stalking his Facebook, Twitter, Insta, Google+, LinkedIn, middle school report cards, and credit reports, do you??????? DO YOU????????
And according to RS, who I trust more than any man I will ever date, JoJo and Jordan were in contact before the show. Then she went on Entertainment Tonight and denied they were talking, but she knew he was going to be on the show because of the Internet.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU MISS THE DAMN DANIEL VIDEO BUT SOMEHOW STUMBLE UPON JORDAN RODGERS BEING CAST ON THE BACHELORETTE. DOES JOJO FLETCHER HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. DO I HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. that’s none of your damn business ok.
Also about that Grant boy. Reality Steve received an email from his ex’s best friend and there’s some shady-ass behavior going on, proving Grants everywhere are out to ruin lives. (I’M KIDDING, GRANT, IF YOU’RE READING THIS. I KNOW YOU’RE ABOUT TO TEXT ME, SO CALM DOWN.)
With all this said: Let’s dive into this week’s episode. I already said that but ok. Ok.
First date card: Luke, Grant, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, Zach, Robby, I think. I’m one marg drunk so who honest to god even knows.
The date has to do with being a firefighter and JoJo is in a firefighter costume so really can we not. I have no idea what just happened. I was too busy getting settled in. JoJo made putting out fire puns, I’m sure.
Commercial. Finding Dory commercial. I miss Ellen.
Back at the mansion.
Ok, so Chad proves he’s the ultimate douche by doing pull-ups while wearing a weight belt with his luggage attached to him and I didn’t even know a weight belt was a thing, but here we are.
Back to the group date.
They are at a fire academy and Wells is too feminine for this. I feel sorry for him. I want to hold him and tell him that there are women out there who find feminine men attractive. (Me.)
“Today is going to be a hot day. I’m gonna see some guys sweating.” -JoJo clearly looking for what’s important in a man.
Oh, ok, so Grant is an actual firefighter so he has the upperhand. Remember from disclaimer we don’t like Grant. All the guys are doing like firefighter challenges and JoJo says this is the hottest date she’s ever been on and I don’t know if she wanted the pun there or not.
Robby is so homosexual but I think JoJo likes that.
Wells is about to pass out. I’m about to pass out while watching them.
But he gets alone time with JoJo and says something really cute and sweet to her.
Back at the mansion.
The guys are singing a song led by James Taylor. They are singing a song about JoJo. It’s too much. Jordan’s hair flipped because he was banging his head too much. Chad isn’t interested. I’m not interested. This is like fraternity hazing on crack. Just throw piss at the guys and other things like a normal frat. Don’t make them all sing a song about one girl. Painful.
Back to the group date.
JoJo is wearing a white wifebeater and looks hot as hell and that’s why I hate her and can’t trust her. So now at the firefighter date Wells has to go up against Grant on the ultimate firefighter challenge and Grant is an actuall firefighter and TEAM WELLS TEAM RADIO DJ UNTIL I DIE. Also. What kind of sick world does JoJo live in where she thinks this is an enjoyable date for anyone besides her. What is this accomplishing. She literally just wants to see who will embarrass themselves the most on TV for her.
Grant won the challenge and Wells didn’t and that’s why I hate this show.
Also Luke was competing but I didn’t notice that until just now. He didn’t win.
But Luke is hot.
I like Luke sweaty.
These are my thoughts.
The cocktail party.
Luke is in a leather jacket. JoJo says she’s blown away by Grant and Grant tells her that he’s going to wake up every day and say he loves her. I dislike Grant.
THEN THEY START MAKING OUT BC WHY NOT KISS A HERO KISS A FIREFIGHTER KISS A SOLIDER HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY.
“She doesn’t seem to be into the kiss.” -Brad. I’m watching this show with a male who did stand-up comedy like once.
Back at the mansion.
Derek gets the first one-on-one date, which is weird because who is Derek. Jordan is disappointed.
JoJo grabs Wells because Wells is hot and a radio DJ who I love forever and ever. And he’s funny. JoJo is laughing. Wells is being witty and self-deprecating. JoJo says she loves his energy. He says he’s interested in building a relationship with JoJo, aka becoming the next Bobby Bones. We’ve all been there.
Luke claims he’s starting to feel a connection with JoJo aka he thinks she’s hot.
JoJo tells someone that she really wants to be engaged. She’s a typical Baylor grad. Ring by spring AMIRITEEEEEE. ok.
Luke went to West Point for college.
Everyone name their alma maters. Or let’s guess everyone’s alma maters. Chad probably went to TCU, like a complete douche college. Luke went to Tech probably. Wells went to some artsy indie college. James Taylor didn’t go to college. He went straight to Nashville. These are my theories. Thanks and goodnight.
WAIT STILL HAVE A SHOW TO BLOG.
Luke wants that make out so bad and JoJo just went for it because what is self-control what is being a Proverbs 31 woman. Who knows. No one knows.
“I’m into this kiss.” -KK, my roommate.
Now it’s time to hand out the group date rose. Wells better get the rose. I’m not picky but Wells is the only man here worth a damn, but I’m not particular no.
YAASSSSS SHE GAVE IT TO WELLS YASSSSS TEAM RADIO DJ TEAM FEMININE MEN YASSSSSSS TEAM WELLS TEAM DATE ME
One-on-one date with Derek.
JoJo pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion in that baby blue convertible she was driving around during the first episode. “You like my whip,” she asks Derek. I’m sorry. No. Whip. No. Team no don’t say that, JoJo.
Derek and JoJo head out the door to start their adventure of a date. Derek is wearing a baseball tee, which I find to be an interesting choice. Also, Derek is cute but not the kind of cute that makes you turn your head when you see him at the bar, you know. But like he’s cute enough for you to choose him as a lab partner in geology. You know. You know. I know you know. When you know you know you know. Ok.
JoJo explains that this date they have a bunch of choices and they get to decide and it’s cute in the way that it’s not cute at all. She most likely made some stupid analogy about making choices in life but I tuned her out when she didn’t say, “This date we’re going to sit on my couch and watch Catfish reruns” because that’s my ideal date.
The daytime date is over. It’s the dinner portion of the date. They are talking about past relationships. Now they are kissing. He claims fireworks. I wonder if men know the difference between fireworks and kissing a hot woman. Fireworks is when you actually like having a conversation with her and then you like kissing her. Not kissing her on national TV. I could write a research paper on this topic. Thank you.
“Her body language is just passive.” -Brad, a licensed body language expert apparently.
Back at the mansion.
They are still singing the JoJo song. Fraternity hazing is hard.
Daniel and Chad had formed a frat inside the frat called Douche Alpha Delta. They are even wearing matching black wifebeaters, but in my perfect world, they would wear shirts that read DAD.
“Stay away from the nice guys.” -Chad’s advice to women everywhere.
“If I was on the Bachelor, I would just drink all f**king day.” -KK
“I would drink so much, I would struggle to keep my shit together. I would be like, I need the rose to keep getting the free liquor.” -Brad
Next date card.
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, James Taylor, Alex, Chad. “Prove your love to me” because leaving your job, family, friends, and girlfriends to make a fool of yourself on national TV isn’t enough for JoJo apparently.
Three guys don’t have dates. Does anyone care besides their mothers watching this at home right now.
IT HAS TO DO WITH JOJO MOUTHING OFF SPORTS FACTS. OH MY GOD CAN ANYTHING BE ANY MORE ANNOYING. LOOK I’M JOJO I’M A COOL GIRL AND I DRINK BEER AND WATCH FOOTBALL AND HATE DRAMA. i’m done.
Honestly does JoJo know the difference between a football and a baseball.
“I grew up watching ESPN.”
lololololololol ok. me 2. Stump The Schwab, amiriteeeeeee.
This sports date has to do with throwing a rose into the end zone and then doing a touchdown dance. Not even making this up. If you didn’t watch and you’re just reading this recap, then trust me when I say it’s as stupid as it sounds.
But I like JoJo’s shirt.
KK won’t stop playing with Winston and I’m distracted.
Now the two ESPN sports broadcasters are making all the men propose to JoJo. Chad just gets on one knee and says, Will you marry me, which I half love, I’m sorry.
“I’m a words of affirmation girl.” -JoJo
YAS SHE KNOWS LOVE LANGUAGES I LOVE THAT I LOVE JOJO SHE HAS TAKEN THE TEST. PROB ON THE INTERNET MAYBE. HAS JOJO BEEN ON THE INTERNET???????????????
Now they all have to deem someone the worst and everyone hates Chad and JoJo is like am I missing something??? lol??? i love jojo. context clues amirite. If everyone in the house hates a guy, then go ahead and get rid of him. I can say this because I was once the Bachelorette and know how easy it is to date 25 guys at once because that’s typically my Friday night.
The ESPN commentators ask who is in it for the wrong reasons and Chad says everyone. He goes off on everyone. It’s amazing.
JoJo tells the camera that she likes Chad’s honesty hahahahahahahahaha being dumb is hard. We’ve all fallen for a Chad. There’s always that one guy who tells you that your blog post isn’t funny and you’re like well at least he’s being honest. No he’s being an asshole, there’s a difference. I wish JoJo had a humor blog.
Now everyone is being ranked. This show.
1. James Taylor.
Everyone is piiiiiiiiised at Chad. Chad is like I don’t love JoJo so when I fake propose to her on TV I’m not going to say I love her. The rest of the guys are like bro, it was a joke. Chad is like, This isn’t a joke, all of y’all just lied to her. Chad is scary bad at being lighthearted. Chad strikes me as a guy who gets really upset at April Fools Day. These are my thoughts.
Commercial. Casting calls in Dallas and Houston. I did that once.
“I think ABC needs to do a gay Bachelor.” -Brad.
That’s been discussed.
Back at the group date. Cocktail hour. Everyone still hates Chad. It’s amazing. It’s tragic. It’s Monday night.
Sidenote. Happy Memorial Day to all the troops who died fighting. And all my ex-boyfriends fighting. May some of you be forgotten.
Ok. Sorry. JoJo sits down with James Taylor. “A smile is the only thing you can have on the outside that comes from the inside.” Is that a song lyric he wrote because no. JT knows JoJo is out of her league. He’s self-aware. I like that. He wrote a poem for her and it’s as bad as you think it is. “I love God but I let him down daily” is a line in it and I swear that’s a Lee Brice lyric he ripped off. JoJo is crying. Idk if she thinks it’s sweet or tragic. She feels honored and she’s crying and now they are kissing because why not.
Jordan says JoJo has impressed him with how she’s handled herself. What does that even mean?????? She’s making out on national TV???????????????????????????????? Haha?????????????
Chad finally gets to sit down with JoJo and he’s being honest and JoJo thinks she likes it. JoJo is wearing glittery eyeshadow and it’s stressful.
Chad’s mom died six months ago and says his mom was his best friend. Lying is hard. Also nothing says honoring your dead mother like coming on a show and being a douche omega and making out with a Dallas girl. Happy Memorial Day.
Idk why JoJo is into Chad. It’s amazing how dumb girls are.
“If Chad gets the rose tonight, I would rethink my whole life.” -JT. Your whole life?????? YOUR WHOLE LIFE???????????????????????? NOT THAT TIME YOU DECIDED TO GO BY JAMES TAYLOR AND BE A COUNTRY MUSICIAN AND GO ON THE BACHELORETTE?????????????????????????
KK claims she’s trying out for the Bachelor. She is two margs drunk and won’t shut up about it. Pray for me.
JAMES TAYLOR GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR. SO FAR JOJO AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. TEAM JAMES TAYLOR. TEAM COUNTRY MUSICIAN. I WONDER IF WELLS WOULD PLAY A JAMES TAYLOR SONG ON HIS STATION. I LOVE THESE MEN.
Chad steals JoJo away. The guys are concerned. I can tell because their eyebrows say, “I’m concerned.”
“Why is Vinny still there? That’s what I wanna know.” -KK
Brad is watching basketball instead of this and I’m mad.
All the guys are mad that Chad got more one-on-one time with JoJo than the others. I don’t know what these guys think dating in the real world is like. I don’t think any of them have ever done it. I’m not sure if they know that when you’re talking to a girl and there’s a bunch of other dudes around (aka a bar) that at any time, a hotter, smoother dude can come and chat her up and there’s a 50 percent chance she’s going say bye bye miss american pie and go with him. This is dating. This is Dallas. This is Dallas dating and it’s what JoJo did. Buck up, broncos.
Chase somehow made it snow and honestly I have no idea who Chase even is. Idk how he made it snow. He wanted to bring a piece of his world to her. He tells her he snowboards. She says she’s always wanted to try it, which is the most unoriginal thing in the world. Literally everyone in the world has wanted to try snowboarding.
But it doesn’t even matter about Chase because…
THIS IS THE CHAD SHOW. NO ONE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM. EVERYONE IS GAY FOR HIM. JOJO WHO. THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT EVERYONE PURSUING HOW MUCH THEY HATE CHAD.
Yall. Everyone is so mad at Chad. It’s annoying. We get it. Chad keeps stealing JoJo away and we are mad. Maybe be a more appealing man and JoJo will be attracted to you.
The episode ends with a rose ceremony. Will and James S. and the Hipster go home. I will miss the Hipster. I want everyone to know I said James wouldn’t make it past episode 2. I’m glad Will is gone because I couldn’t tell the difference between him and James Taylor.
The next episode involves kissing I’m sure.