The Bachelorette Season Finale: Keep Dallas Pretentious

spoiler alert jojo picks jordan and they’re moving to dallas.

Whether this is the only recap you’re reading or the fifth recap you’re reading, we can all agree that we hate our lives. That’s unanimous. This was a long, tough season filled with love and heartbreak and boobs and Chad and I am v glad it’s over. I missed a few episodes because it was so boring, but I decided to end with a bang.

Bang bang.

Like the last 10 or so finales, there’s a live studio audience watching with host Chris Harrison moderating in between. Ben and Lauren B. are here to watch the woman Ben once loved pick a future husband. Lauren B. watches on and wonders if their new reality show is worth this kind of torture.

We meet JoJo somewhere. I don’t know because all places that aren’t my living room are the same to me. Robby and Jordan are meeting JoJo’s parents this week and if you remember from last season, JoJo’s brothers were brutally honest and JoJo’s mom drank straight from the champagne bottle and it was all so glorious.

Jordan’s date with the family
Jordan arrives with flowers and JoJo introduces him to the family. JoJo explains that everything is fun with Jordan and they have a banter. To prove he is the ultimate fun guy, Jordan pulls out ugly hats and makes the family wear them to “embarrass” them. Hey, Jordan. Maybe this is why your brother Aaron doesn’t come around anymore.

Soraya, JoJo’s mother, thinks Jordan is genuine and cares for JoJo and I’m wondering if all her plastic surgery has messed up her read on people. She makes Jordan promise her that he will never break JoJo’s heart. Jordan lies and says he promises.

from my dad.

Even with that kind of promise, a promise that literally nobody can keep, Soraya tells JoJo that they are too much alike.

Also.

my dad and me and our banter haha so fun haha so funny haha laugh

Jordan sits down JoJo’s dad, named Joe, so he is obviously in love with himself. Jordan didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand in marriage and JoJo is from the south, so I imagine that can’t be good.

You know what’s also not good? JoJo yelling “It went so good” to Jordan as he leaves because a) grammar and b) it so did not go good, JoJo.

Robby’s date with the family
Robby arrives with flowers and they are bigger than the flowers Jordan arrived with because Robby is gayer and proves it with his flower selection.

Soon it’s clear everyone has the worst gaydar ever because everyone loves Robby. They think he’s Jesus. They think he’s the best man in the world, which makes you really wonder what kind of scum JoJo has brought home in the past.

Robby fools everyone and sits Joe and Soraya down to ask for JoJo’s hand in marriage. They are so taken aback and floored by this kind of gesture and part of me thinks it’s because Robby is using JoJo’s real name. They give her hand away to this gay stranger and Joe begins crying.

The verdict is in. Soraya loves Robby. Joe loves Robby. The Attractive Brother loves Robby. The Less Hot Brother loves Robby. The random silent girl in all the shots that has nothing to say, but we can assume she also loves Robby. The choice is obvious. Robby, Robby, Robby. But JoJo isn’t so positive. What’s the matter with Jordan? It’s revealed he didn’t ask for her hand. JoJo is upset. There is crying. There is arguing. There is no champagne to grab and it’s stressful.

Date with Robby
JoJo and Robby meet up at the beach and play in the water and sit on the sand and talk. It’s perfect. JoJo asks Robby what he envisions and he goes on about sitting on the couch while the meatloaf cooks in the oven while their kids play in the other room and honestly, it’s perfect. I’m big on words, so like I’m in love with Robby now.

To show how perfect his words were, JoJo straddles him and makes out with him.

Nighttime portion with Robby
Robby continues saying perfect things and tells JoJo how in love with her he is and how when he’s out with his buddies playing 18 holes, he’ll be blowing up her phone. That’s all a Millennial girl wants. A guy “out having fun” while still having a miserable time because they miss her so much. We don’t ask for a lot just everything.

Honestly do I love Robby. Do I love Robby????????????????????????

Date with Jordan
It’s doesn’t matter if everyone loves Robby because Jordan was once a football player and JoJo loves his football player body. The kind that is top heavy with tiny legs. For their date, they canoe and JoJo reveals she is fearful. They sit on a beach and JoJo questions Jordan on why he didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand. She looks drunk. I wish I was drunk. She says she is scared. I am scared.

Nighttime portion with Jordan
They continue mulling over the fact that Jordan didn’t ask Joe for JoJo’s hand. To JoJo, this is worse than Donald Trump becoming president. To Jordan, this is him trying to tell her he’s just not that into it, while also keeping airtime. He says words to try to prove to JoJo that he cares, but JoJo and her white sweater are skeptical.

Does she make the logical decision and go with Robby or does she completely disregard her gut, her family, her well-being, her common sense and go with Jordan??????

Neil Lane time
It’s time for both men to pick out one Neil Lane diamond ring to propose to JoJo. Robby picks out a terrible looking ring but what do I know. I don’t have a secret wedding Pinterest board, so don’t listen to my opinion.

Before Jordan picks out his ring for JoJo, he calls Joe and Soraya and freaking asks for permission. He already spent the night with her in the Fantasy Suite, but please ask them for permission before marrying her.

Jordan picks out a ring that I like better.

Day of
JoJo wakes up and says she had a moment of clarity, which is convenient timing. She answers a knock on her hotel room door and reads a letter from Jordan. She cries. Then she reads a letter from Robby. She cries. I can’t tell if they are happy tears or sad tears. But her Texan accent is coming out, so that can’t be good. She says she feels like she’s having a panic attack and I hope I have a panic attack on the day I get engaged. That would mean I was doing something right.

Jordan and Robby get ready. Not together. But JoJo does have a type.

Final Rose Time
Robby gets out of the limo first, which means he is donezo. He begins telling JoJo how much he loves her and she doesn’t even let him finish before she starts crying and breaking up with him. She is crying. Robby is shocked. My dad can’t watch. The live studio audience is silent.

they say it all. and yet nothing at all.

Robby is all:

JoJo is all:

Then Jordan gets out of the limo.

JoJo is all:

Jordan proposes.

I’m all:
Then there was the After the Final Rose, where JoJo and Jordan lied and said their relationship is fine. Jordan is moving to Dallas and I will find it and report back.

Where are The Bachelorette blogs?

yes.

I wish I was better. I wish it was easier. I wish I didn’t hate Jordan and Robby and JoJo’s choice in men. I wish things were different.

I tried blogging the hometown dates. I tried really, really hard. This is what happened:

Then I tried blogging the overnight dates episode. I tried even harder for that one. This is what happened:

I have this theory that y’all do not give two shits about The Bachelorette. The pageviews aren’t like great, which tells me y’all enjoy reading about my dating highs and lows more than JoJo’s dating highs and lows. And I get it. I’m more fascinating and prettier and funnier and nicer than JoJo. I get it. Don’t say it. Your pageviews tell me everything I need to know.
we both wear tablecloth shirts.
So I’ve stopped doing them. And by stopped, I mean I haven’t done the last two episodes, but will I do the season finale? Who knows? Maybe. 
For now, read my friend Augusta’s recaps at D Magazine. They are ok.

The Bachelorette Episode 7: There’s gonna be a heartache tonight

I’m sorry this is a day late, but at the same time, you need to realize I was doing the Lord’s work and reviewing a 98 Degrees concert last night. Yes, 98 Degrees.

Feel sorry for me.

I also really want to watch Difficult People right now, but instead, I’m doing this.

Feel sorry for me.

I also haven’t eaten dinner yet, but I will go on for the four people who read these recaps.

Feel sorry for me.

This is episode 7 but week 6, so it’s a bit confusing. JoJo announces she and the guys are headed to Argentina! Ole!

Alex (he’s the v short n tiny soldier) fears everything he’s been feeling is an illusion. LOL, laugh because it is. It’s all an illusion.

Chris Harrison walks into the hotel where the gentleman are staying and says that JoJo is a smart and independent lady, so the fact she gave roses to everyone last week must mean a lot. I hate to get technical here, but JoJo being described as a strong, independent woman seems like a stretch. She’s 24 and wants to be engaged after knowing someone for a couple of weeks. Is that what we’re calling independence these days.

Chris presents the date card and it’s for Alex. He is excited because finally he’ll know what JoJo thinks of him (besides that he’s tiny).

The date is they’re riding in a car to everyone’s next destination while the other guys have to ride in an old bus. I can’t think of a worse date.

Things I do in the car:

  • read twitter
  • think up blog ideas
  • sing taylor swift karaoke
  • pretend i’m in a music video
  • eat
  • pray
  • cry

Things I don’t do in the car:

  • go on a date

We are let in on their riveting date and we see they are doing normal things: like eating chips! They even make duck faces with their Pringles!

But we also get to see the bus ride with the other guys. And honestly, they look like they are having way more fun. They are rapping about JoJo and I have no idea how they were able to write this rap. Because none of these guys have that much talent. I’m sure of it.

Back with Alex. Alex is cute but he’s that guy who makes you watch videos of him working out. A GUY ACTUALLY MADE ME DO THIS ONE TIME AND I STILL HAVE PTSD OVER IT. WHO IS THE REAL WAR VETERAN HERE. NOT ALEX. IT’S ME.

Alex and JoJo arrive at their destination and they are in the countryside of Argentina and I wish I was more cultured and cared, but all trees look the same to me. The date is going so well that Alex comments on which trees he likes. JoJo pretends to agree.

Alex is dressed like a gaucho (?) and I have no idea what that is, but the TV tells me that’s what he’s dressed like, so ok. JoJo is in these chic as hell brown suede bell bottoms that I will hunt down on the internet and buy even if they’re $300. pray for bank account.

UPDATE I FOUND THEM.

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/FRAME-DENIM-Le-Flare-De-Francoise-Suede-Pants-Camel/prod182260265/p.prod?ecid=NMAF__je6NUbpObpQ&CS_003=5630585

UPDATE THEY ARE $300

BUT UPDATE THEY ARE ON SALE FOR $300 ORIGINALLY $1K

JoJo and Alex’s date has turned into a man kind of seducing a horse. There is no other way to say this. The man is putting the horse down, but not killing it, I don’t think. JoJo and Alex seem to be into it and then to prove they are into it, they go and lay down with the horse who is now on the ground. The horse isn’t dead, I don’t think, but just laying there.

Finally, they get to the nighttime portion of the date and they head into a little barn thing and there’s a random dog there. JoJo squeaks with excitement and it’s official that she’s more into the dog than Alex.

Alex, however, has never done well with context clues because he thinks he’s good to go. He tells the camera that he thinks if there was a rose on the date that he would get it. i love ignorance. i love ignorant men. i love it.

Back at the polo club with the other guys. A date card arrives and it’s for Jordan. Everyone is mad except Jordan.

Back at the date. Alex says he thinks he’s falling in love with JoJo and I’ve never seen a woman in more pain in my life. She’s literally at a loss for words.

But because she wants to respect the soldiers and is feeling patriotic, she sends Alex home right away because there’s nothing worse than leading an angry elf on. She pats herself on the back for doing this, but Alex is pissed.

Alex is mad. JoJo is scared. And I’m hungry. No one saw this coming. And yet everyone saw this coming.

My friend Augusta has a line about Alex that I simply cannot top and here it is:

“Alex is the guy who thinks you want his number after politely apologizing for accidentally bumping into him in a crowded bar.”

Here’s her recap, BUT PLEASE CONTINUE READING MINE.

Jordan’s one-on-one date
Jordan and JoJo hop in a private jet and set off to Mendoza, Argentina. Once again, I wish I cared more about location, but they could have been in Garland, Texas and I wouldn’t care.

JoJo is all over Jordan. Like a drunk girl at the Trophy Room all over her sober boyfriend. It’s painful to watch. I get she likes Jordan and eventually wants tickets to the Super Bowl, but girl, show some dignity. What little you have left.

Also read: I’m actually just jealous because if I had legs like JoJo’s, I would wrap them around every male, too.

With all that said, I regretfully tell you, readers, that I don’t believe Jordan is as into JoJo as she is into him.

like i swear on my life he just turned his cheek to her kiss

Tell me he didn’t.

Back at the hotel room. A date card comes and it’s a group date and Robby announces to America and the room that he thinks he’s a frontrunner. K.

Back at the date. It’s the dinner portion and this is a good time for Jordan to tell JoJo that those Super Bowl tickets won’t be happening because Jordan doesn’t actually have a relationship with Aaron Rodgers. So LOLOLOLOLOL. SORRY ABC. DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GONNA GET SOME GOOD AARON RODGERS FOOTAGE DURING THIS HOMETOWN DATE. LOLOLOLOL. Also there goes the Olivia Munn and JoJo Instagrams we were all wishing for. Life sucks.

To recover from the whole, “I don’t speak to my bro” and “He doesn’t even know I’m on this show right now” thing, Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her. And then they make out.

Group date. JoJo tells the guys that the rain rain just wouldn’t go away and the date has changed. So now the date is staying in the hotel room and playing games that you play with a youth group and it’s my worst actual nightmare.

See: I hate games.

It’s all youth group fun until it comes times to play truth or dare and Robby strips down. The best part is he pretends to be shy about it and keeps saying how is grandma is watching and yet he has no problem plopping JoJo on a pool table and kissing her. And also, he a former competitive swimmer. He’s been in speedos plenty of times. Please, Robby.

The rest of the episode is boring and I’m not just saying that because I paused it and went and got Whataburger and now I’m more entertained by the french fries in front of me. But basically all the guys think they are frontrunners and all the guys think that JoJo has the hots for just them. It’s cute really.

Robby gets the group date rose and I find this startling because Robby is so completely gay to me. And I can say this because I recently drank two margaritas and successfully convinced my roommate that her ex boyfriend is gay, so I’m kind of an expert on this subject.

Luke’s one-on-one date
It consists of riding horses. Like, I’m not kidding. That’s what they did. Luke is v boring and he was made even more boring by this date. Can you imagine a life with him.

There is no cocktail party because JoJo thinks she’s knows what she wants and she thinks she wants to send sweet James Taylor home.

“Someone’s gonna get heartbroken.” -James Taylor right before getting heartbroken. Foreshadowing. I love it.

Roses in order: Luke, Jordan, Chase.

James Taylor gets sent home and he is v nice about it all. Never seen anyone campaign for a Bachelor gig so hard before.

The Bachelorette Episode 6: I didn’t even watch, but everybody is always wrong

I’m not going to sit here behind a computer screen and pretend I watched the last episode of The Bachelorette. I am a lot of things, but I’m not a liar. If you want to read a Bachelorette recap, read it literally anywhere else on the Internet. My friend Sassy writes a funny one here. I read it too and I have the internet, so I know what happened. And I’m not pleased. I’m angry in fact. Because once a Bachelorette season, I fall in love with a contestant. Let’s take a look at PMS’s favorites.

Jef from Emily’s Season

like.


My good Lord, I wish Jef Holm was still Mormon because I would sisterwife that up, ya hear. Jef Holm. What a special, special species of a man. He was hot and charming and worked at a nonprofit, so he had a heart of gold. Emily Maynard did the right thing by choosing him and then breaking up with him and releasing him back into the dating world for us not-as-pretty girls to have a chance with him. Thanks, Em.

Ames from Ashley’s Season

something always a lil off about him but god love him.

Then there was Ames. Sweet, sweet Ames from Ashley’s season. He was a little off and by a little, I mean completely. I don’t remember what exactly he did to get sent home, but I remember he was just a little to weird for Ashley. But I loved him. His forehead was big and his heart was bigger.

Nick from Andi and Kaitlyn’s Seasons, LOL

everyone hated him, i loved him, what’s new.

Hey, sometimes when one brunette breaks your heart, you have to go after another. Everyone hated Nick Viall. Except me. Hey, Nick. This brunette won’t break your heart. I was seriously the only person on planet earth who didn’t hate him and I wanted that printed on my gravestone. I thought he was smart and cute and feminine and great, but Andi and Kaitlyn didn’t because they both left him at the Bachelorette alter.

Wells from JoJo’s Season

i’m all 4 one for u, wells.

And then there’s Wells. Wells. I didn’t think I could fall in love with anyone on TV more than Jef Holm, but ah, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Because Wells, my readers, is incredible. He’s cute, he’s feminine, he passes out when he gets too hot, he didn’t kiss JoJo just to compete, he has a cool job, and he’s perfect.

But JoJo didn’t see what I saw in Wells. JoJo was mad because Wells is just a cynical asshole like the rest of us and thinks the spark will eventually fade. JoJo doesn’t believe that. JoJo literally thinks Jordan or Robby or Luke or whoever she picks will always be in love with her after the cameras turn off and after her fame is gone. I love naive children. The look on Wells’ face when JoJo was going on and on about being in love forever was priceless. Wells does not have a face for radio; Wells should be on TV. Also, any straight woman who says bye to Wells’ face and keeps douche omega Jordan is no friend of mine.

Everyone else tweet me what happened the rest of the episode.

The Bachelorette Episode 5: JoJo is all of us

Wow, I’m so glad everyone stopped their busy schedules to read this recap that’s a day old. Sometimes I come home from work on a Monday and I don’t even want to watch The Bachelorette, much less make my fingers type something about it.

So I ate chips and watched The Challenge instead.
This episode is Chad’s farewell episode. It begins where all the men gather to spread his protein shake ashes. It’s funny, but also can you imagine being stuck in a house with no TV, no internet, no magazines, no books, so you’re forced to do things that aren’t funny, but you’re so brainwashed by Mike Fleiss you think it’s funny?
But Chad comes back to beat Jordan up.
Just kidding. He comes back to say a bunch of unimportant things that I can’t hear because I’m eating chips and it’s too loud.
JoJo walks Alex to the cabin door after their two-on-one date turned into a one-on-one date and they kiss and we’ve all kissed an Angry Elf in our day. You just have to do it. You’re not a woman until a man one foot shorter than you stands on his tippy toes and kisses you. JoJo is all of us.
“I can’t wait to go home and tell the boys I’m surviving another day.” -Alex, a war veteran. I don’t know if he’s talking about war or The Bachelorette or if that’s the same thing.
Alex walks into the cabin and they immediately begin celebrating. Cupcakes are involved and everything. It’s how I image frat houses to be when a guy gets home from a date with a girl in the best sorority. I want them to include initiation when they throw piss at the guys. Is that what frats do? SOMEONE WRITE AN ODYSSEY ARTICLE ABOUT THAT. I miss college.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Chase gets one-on-one time with JoJo and he has these big clear inflatable balls that they play in? Question mark? She is giggling and seems to be having fun, but I don’t get it? I don’t think I would like that? Also, Chase is that guy you meet at a Brad Paisley concert and you two-step with him and you text for a few weeks until it’s clear you hate him. That’s all.
Robby time. Robby strikes me as — how do I put this — extremely in the closet. There I said it. Don’t get me wrong. I love a feminine man. I love a gay man. But, no. JoJo is still young and realize gay men eventually won’t marry you. They throw coins in a fountain and then they kiss. We’ve all kissed a gay man. You’re not a woman until you do. JoJo is all of us.
James F. time. I know nothing about James F. except that he read my recap once. Well, apparently reading is what he likes to do because he pulls a poem out of his ass (jacket pocket) and reads it to JoJo. She pretends to cry until Alex butts in.
I RT compliments it’s my only flaw
Alex time. He’s not Wells, so I don’t care.
Daniel time. Please don’t murder me, but there’s something I like about Daniel???????? Help????????? What’s the matter with me???????? I think it’s all an act and I think it’s funny??????????? He’s been on the Internet????? Do we still capitalize Internet??????
Luke time. Luke is every Texas Tech grad from Midland. Oh my god, Luke is talking and confessing his feelings and JoJo moves her face closer to his and he keeps talking. We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted a guy to stop talking and kiss us and they keep talking. JoJo is all of us. 
Jordan time. Jordan steals her away and pushes her up against a wall and makes out with her. Just watch the clip.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Roses go to (IN ORDER): Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, Evan
That means Daniel and James F. go home. BYE JAMES F. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS BLOG. MAY YOU FIND HAPPINESS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE OR LITERALLY ANYWHERE. TINDER, BUMBLE, YOU’LL BE FINE.
you’ll be fine.
Daniel exits and hugs JoJo with his signature one-arm hug and was he raised Baptist because only Baptist boys do that??????? Are there Canadian Baptists????????
JoJo tells the remaining men that they’re headed to Uruguay and everyone immediately wishes there was a globe around.
URUGUAY TIME. Date card. “Jordan, let’s seal the date. Love, JoJo”

Jordan and his hair set off to meet JoJo for their date. JoJo runs to him in her size double zero Gymboree shorts and hugs him and he picks her up and she straddles him and I scratch my butt. No idea why I’m not the Bachelorette.
They immediately strip down in their swimsuits and they talk like they’ve known each other for awhile. OH WAIT. BECAUSE THEY HAVE. 
BACK AT THE HOTEL. Remember how I mentioned magazines and any outside communication isn’t allowed? Well somehow an InTouch magazine wonders in the hotel. I don’t know if the magazine grew legs and walked to the hotel, if a maid left it in there, OR IF PRODUCERS MADE ONE TINY LIL EXCEPTION or what, but it’s here. 
They read the tell-all article from JoJo’s ex Chad, of Chad Rookstool Salon in Dallas, I know too much, I hate myself. Basically it says that they snuck around while the Bachelor was airing and she dumped him to go on The Bachelorette. Do I believe it? YES. I’m half tempted to make a hair appointment at Chad Rookstool Salon just to talk to him, but that’s exactly what he wants, more business, and no one said he was a stupid businessman.
Date card time. “Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex. I can’t stand to be away from you. Love, JoJo”
Alex just mixed up slander and libel and that’s why he shouldn’t win.
BACK AT THE JORDAN DATE. JoJo says, “I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time to hang out with you.” OH BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO HIM BEFORE THIS AIRED??????? In fact, it’s pretty much proven because JoJo tells us she met a girl who used to date Jordan and she told JoJo wasn’t the best in relationships. What does that even mean???????????? He didn’t put the toilet seat down?????? He didn’t pay for dinner???????? He laughed at South Park????? JUST SAY HE CHEATED.
OK, I actually respect JoJo’s balls in this instance because it takes a lot to call out a guy for something he hasn’t done to you, for something he’s done to some random girl you barely know. I applaud her. I wish JoJo was all of us rn.
Jordan tells JoJo he never physically cheated on this random Dallas girl and we’ve all been there. We’ve all been emotionally cheated on. We’ve all been this random Dallas girl. BTW- DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS RANDOM DALLAS GIRL IS?? I WOULD LOVE FOR HER TO GUEST BLOG.
I want wine so badly right now.
They finish the serious talk and JoJo goes in for a kiss and says, “Don’t be mad at me.” Oh, my god, JoJo is all of us.
JoJo gives Jordan the rose but not before telling him that her heart skipped a beat when he said that he was falling in love with her. I don’t think that’s love, I think that’s your gut saying uh oh. I’m a psychologist. 
BACK AT THE HOTEL. The magazine article is addressed. JoJo cries to a producer. The guys talk about it and are divided on whether it’s true or not.
JoJo puts on a long, grey, chic-ass cardigan and goes to the guys’ hotel room. JoJo begins explaining everything and Wells’ face.

Wells is all of us.
Robby stands up for her and rubs her back and honestly, if a man ever rubs my back while I’m crying, then yeah, I’m gonna fall in love with him. Even if he is gay. It’s just what happens. I can’t explain it.
OH MY GOD. ALEX BEGINS DEFENDING JOJO TO HER FACE AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF AND LOOKS AT JORDAN AND SAYS, “Did you know about this?” She literally only cares about Jordan’s opinion and while I don’t think Jordan is good, I can respect a woman who knows what she wants.
GROUP DATE TIME. They are sand-surfing and it looks miserable. It’s like snowboarding, but with sand, so a shit-ton worse.
BACK AT THE HOTEL. Date card: “Robby, Love is within our reach.”
BACK AT THE GROUP DATE. JoJo tells the group that she hopes one of the guys is her future husband, but Jordan isn’t there, so we all know she doesn’t mean it.
She talks with all the guys. Alex doesn’t like Derek. Alex sits down with JoJo and says this is the most real relationship he’s ever had and now I’m concerned about his past dating life. Because this is the most unreal thing ever.
Group date rose goes to Derek and his ears.
DATE TIME WITH ROBBY. She compares Robby to a puppy. So. I wonder if he licks his own wiener like the male dog I live with does.

robby

They eat and jump off a cliff into the water and I want to jump off a cliff right now.
BACK AT THE HOTEL. Derek makes a comparison that it’s like living in a frat house and how he’s not like that and he says this while wearing an American flag shirt, which is the frattiest thing in the world. Alex is mad at Derek and I’m not sure why. 
BACK AT THE DATE. Robby is drinking red wine. “I’m an emotional person. I get it from my mom. She cries at every movie she watches.”
JoJo tells Robby she feels safe with him, but in reality, he has swimmer shoulders and anyone could feel safe with a man with swimmer shoulders. Robby is so competitive that he tells JoJo he loves her just because he wants to be the first dude in the house to say it.
Robby tells a story about his best friend dying and YOLOing. He says he quit his job, moved cities and dumped a chick. 
And then Chad dated her.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Derek calls Alex, Chase, Jordan and Robby outside to tell them they are being Mean Girls-y. Jordan walks back in and says to the other guys, YO DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS WAY. Then Wells applauds Derek’s balls, but I’m not sure everyone agrees? Y’all. I don’t know what happened. I don’t care either.
ALSO JK NO COCKTAIL PARTY. JOJO DOESN’T WANNA FAKE KISS ANY OF THEM BITCHES.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Roses go to (IN ORDER): Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor, Wells
Vinny, Evan, and Grant are gone. Grant. The one black guy. Gone.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo is a cool girl who wears a bikini

HAPPY NATIONAL BEST FRIENDS DAY. REMEMBER WHEN JOJO TOLD BEN HE WAS HER BEST FRIEND. I WONDER HOW THEY’RE DOING NOW???? I WONDER HOW OFTEN THEY GET DINNER??? I WONDER HOW THEY CELEBRATED TODAY????

But now JoJo is ready to find a new best friend.

But first: Apologies. I’m here and I will finish this recap if it kills me. Please don’t give up on me.

Do I name this week’s blog episode 4 or episode 3 continued? Do you understand now why it’s hard blogging a TV show? Shit like that.

WE CONTINUE WHERE WE LEFT OFF AND WE LEFT OFF WITH CHAD BEING A MEGADOUCHE TO ALL THE OTHER GUYS. Chris Harrison pulls him outside before the sausage pool party and says something has to be done.

Chad walks back into the house and says he doesn’t have any issues with anyone ever.

Evan and Chad are going back and forth about the shirt-tearing incident and arguing about what really happened. Yet the film isn’t being replayed and it’s annoying. I’m mad at ABC. And then Wells, beautiful, beautiful Wells speaks up and says he doesn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

Wells is all about the peace. I’m all about the peace. Peace and love. Peace Love Wells.

POOL PARTY TIME.

JoJo shows up in that damn blue car and I swear on my life if I see that blue car driving around Dallas, I will lose my mind. Drive a Mazda 6 like every other 25yo unaccomplished female. I’m not bitter.

JoJo in a swimsuit will cause war worlds.

All the guys do this weird diving thing into the pool and when Evan comes up from the water, Evan has a bloody nose and middle school pool parties are hard for everyone.

Jordan steals JoJo away for a second. I don’t think JoJo has been in the pool once. She is completely dry. She sees Jordan and hugs him and straddles him.

They sit down and her legs are draped over him. Her arms are all over him. They are having sex right in front of God and America. She tells him she’s nervous about him but she thinks it’s a good thing. She says it’s a good thing. I added the “she thinks” because what JoJo is experiencing is falling for a very good-looking bad boy who still has a woman at home, but JoJo thinks it’s love. When in reality, it’s her gut. We’ve all been there, JoJo. But it’s time to take off the bikini and put on your big girl panties and think straight.

“It’s not an act.” -Jordan and every other player in the world.

They kiss and all is forgotten.

Chad and JoJo sit down. Chad calls himself steak and Evan ice cream. Evan interrupts the conversation. JoJo is sitting down with Evan not even like he’s a friend. Like he’s a stranger on the subway. There is no physical connection and it’s humorous. I’m a body language expert. Book me. $200/hour.

JoJo and Derek. Derek says he’s scared and needs a security guard to protect himself from Chad. JoJo and Derek make out.

Now JoJo is gone. Chad pulls Derek aside and is angry that Derek was talking about him. They argue. It’s stupid. Derek is bad at arguing. The people on The Challenge are better at arguing. I want to watch The Challenge.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME. That came quick, amirite. I feel like we didn’t even get hardly enough of JoJo’s midriff.

Oh wait.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony in a two-piece glittery dress with matching glittery eye shadow and I also love New Years Eve.

GLITTER HAHA. i interviewed jane lynch this week does anyone care

Roses go to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel, Alex, AND CHAD.

Everyone is so mad. The men are mad. Your grandmother is mad. God is mad. No one can believe it. God knew it was going to happen and even God is so distraught right now.

Christian went home and he tweeted me once and told me that he read my recap, so I’m upset right now. Santa is gone. Ali and his eyebrows are gone. How do we go on.

JoJo tells them they are leaving the Bachelor mansion for good and all these guys are so excited because they spent all their vacation time on doing this show, so they want to get their money’s worth and see the world. I’m excited for them.

They go to some cabin and I wasn’t paying attention enough to know where they are, but I’m going to guess Red River, New Mexico because that would be funny. Evan is explaining the cabin by saying it’s really manly and rugged and he feels really comfortable there.

k.

DATE CARD. Luke “I like you very much. Love, JoJo”
Great clue, Jo. Thrilling.

They have dogs pulling them through the woods and Winston just sighed. They are cold and I’m in Texas in June sweating and cursing JoJo.

They strip down to get in a hot tub and JoJo is acting like she’s never been around a guy in a swimsuit before when she literally spent the previous day gallivanting with men in swimsuits.

–I stopped watching to go to dinner and enjoy a margarita and deal with Housewives drama because I actually get paid to write about that shit, but I’m back now. Better than ever.–

BACK AT THE MANSION. DATE CARD. Derek, James Taylor Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Grant, Jordan, Robby. “We could go all the way.”

That leaves Chad and Alex for the two-on-one date. Alex blurts out “This guy is going home” and points at Chad. Everyone oos and ahhs like a middle school fight is about to break out.

Jordan says something about Alex being a true American hero and how the two-on-one date is for America and even lying Chris Kyle just rolled over in his grave.

BACK TO THE DATE. It’s dinner time and JoJo thinks Luke is sexy because he’s mysterious or he’s just stupid and doesn’t know what to say. Either way.

He tells JoJo he was recruited to play football at West Point. He went into the military. “I had soldiers lives in my hands.” He says something about being a young, 23-year-old kid and JoJo nods along, even though she’s barely 25.

He says that his friend Jason died and I guess I can no longer make fun of this date because it involves a solider dying.

They make out. Thank you for serving, soldiers. You fought for this. Luke is tearing up. I don’t know why. They leave the dinner table and go to a Dan + Shay concert. They stand on a platform with thousands of people around them and make out. I’m uncomfortable. I think Luke is too. His kisses are so short and he backs away quickly. I don’t think Luke likes PDA.

Commercials about diarrhea pain.

I just learned the group is not in Red River. They’re in Pittsburg. It’s group date time.

They head to a football field because JoJo will stop at nothing to prove she’s the ultimate cool girl. She drinks beer and wears a bikini and looooooooves football. She’s just the coolest, isn’t she.

JoJo gives the lowdown on each of the guys to the two famous football people. Listen, idk if they’re players, former players, ESPN analysts, who tf knows.

She points at Jordan and says he’s Aaron’s lil bro and “he’s one of the good ones.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. there is no one in this world who is less of a “good one” than Jordan Rodgers IMO.

James Taylor gets in an accident and starts bleeding and needs stitches, but he doesn’t want to leave so he can prove he’s like the ultimate dude and he just really wants that rose. It’s annoying. Just go to the hospital.

BACK AT THE CABIN. Tension is high. Luke, Alex and Chad sit on a couch and don’t speak. Luke thinks all the other guys are being fake.

BACK TO THE DATE. They are gearing up to play football. The winning team gets more time with JoJo. Evan only puts an eyeblack under one eye.

They all start playing and touchdown endzone defense quick throw beast mode underdogs big plays tied up.

FOOTBALL, YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wells’ team didn’t win, so now I’m pissed as hell.

It’s time for the nighttime portion of the group date. The slit in JoJo’s dress is criminal. JoJo tells the guys that today was one of the most fun days of her entire life and I’m left wondering how boring her friends must be. Because like I’ve ever better nights at Quarter Bar.

OH MY GOD ROBBY STEALS HER AWAY AND PLOPS HER UP ON A POOL TABLE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I’M TOO INNOCENT FOR THIS.

JoJo and Jordan sit down and she says he is hard to read. If what we read on Reality Steve is true, and they were talking before this, then Jordan is classic great-texter-not-dater guy. You know when you meet a guy on Tinder or Facebook or whatever and y’all start texting and everything is great and then you meet him in person and it’s like ARE YOU NOT INTO ME??????? They act stand-offish and not interested. That’s Jordan rn.

I’m done.

They make out in front of a fountain. All is well. Jordan gets the group date rose. Of course he does.

BACK AT THE CABIN. Two-on-one date card arrives. “Lets get lost. -JoJo Into the woods you go, only one returns with a rose. -Chris Harrison”

All the guys start fighting. I respond to my 89-year-old grandmother’s email.

Chad threatens Jordan by saying he will find him after the show is over and fight him. Jordan laughs. I laugh. Not because I’m not scared of Chad, but because it’s actually kind of comical.

Alex puts on army boots with American flag socks. I hate it. He goes to sit on the couch with all the other guys and when Chad walks in, everyone is dead silent. It’s pretty funny. Watch below.

The two-on-one date is hiking so JoJo can further prove how cool and outdoorsy she is.

Alex and JoJo sit down. Alex says Chad is horrible. He tells JoJo about the Jordan threat.

JoJo and Chad sit down. She is so mad he threatened her Jordan. She leaves to go think aka sit in the wilderness and put her head in her hands. Now she’s crying. Hard dating a douchebag. She is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because his mom died six months ago.

We have 10 minutes left of this show. I don’t know if I can go on.

The most shocking part of this is that both of these guys packed hiking boots.

Chad sits down with Alex and says, “I’m not very happy with you. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” and grins. It’s really funny. Then Chad tries to calm Alex down and says “Have a glass of milk” and Alex’s comeback is “I don’t like milk.” I literally don’t know what milk has to do with this, but Alex, I don’t think he was being literal. Idk what milk means in all of this, but it’s fascinating. I’m fascinated.

Has any guy who went on a two-on-one date won? I don’t think so.

JUST KIDDING. Remember Andrew Baldwin’s season? He was the pilot. Not Jake Pavelka, the other one. He had a two-on-one date with Tessa and Peyton and Tessa ended up winning the season. There’s your Bachelor trivia for the year. Thank you and goodnight.

PREVIEW FOR NEXT SODE: JoJo crying, Chad still here, JT still needs stitches, Wells is tute, JoJo wears white, more crying.

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Do I hate JoJo

i stole this from twitter im sorry wat do u want from me
Greetings, love children. I am sorry this is a day late. I have no excuse besides I just didn’t feel like watching it last night. But then I received a comment on my episode 2 recap that really motivated me, so here I am.


P.S. Blogging a TV show really, really, really makes you hate the TV show. But here I am. Doing it. For the people.

THIS IS JUST PART 1 OF 2 NIGHTS IS ANYONE READY I ALREADY WANNA DIE.

Did The Bachelorette change its font in the logo? Deep thoughts.

The episode starts out and the house is a mess and everyone is mad at Chad because good guys got sent home. Chad and Daniel are bonding over working out and it’s all riveting TV.

First date: Chase “Let’s get physical”
James Taylor reads the date card out loud, revealing Chase is the lucky guy. He then says the theme of the date, “Let’s get physical” and Chase says, “Can I get my hands on that thing?” and I thought he was talking about JoJo’s ass but I guess he meant the card because the guys then passed him the date card I guess for his scrapbook one day.

Wow, I spent too much time on that one little line.

They head to a yoga studio, which is my personal hell. Is a basic guy exists, it’s Chase. He’s like every guy in a pickup truck ever. He probably thinks Step Brothers is really funny and drinks Miller Lite and tells girls he’s a good ole boy.

They do something called an anger-gasm and it’s so stupid, it’s painful.

BACK AT THE MANSION. Chad and Daniel are working out and everyone is mad about it. Evan makes a joke about Chad and Daniel falling in love, which is funny because Evan is most def gay.

BACK TO THE DATE. JoJo and Chase are now straddling each other during yoga and JoJo’s fake eyelashes are long. And then Chase can’t take it any longer and just goes for it and makes out with her.

“I feel safe in his arms.” -JoJo. lol k.

DATE NIGHT. JoJo says she has felt connected to Chase, aka she has been on top of him in a yoga studio, so k.

“Getting engaged is a scary situation no matter what.” -a 26yo frat guy who doesn’t want to grow up. Yet, JoJo likes it because JoJo has never been with a man who knows what he wants. It’s incredible. This is all so humorous.

JoJo gives him the rose even though there is absolutely no chemistry between them. It’s amazing what JoJo will do if she thinks a guy is just a little bit attractive. They go outside to find 1/3 of Lady A, Charles Kelley, which is cool I guess. Would have preferred Brad Paisley. Or Blake Shelton. Or Hunter Hayes. Or literally anyone else.

“I can see a future with Chase.” -JoJo. No, he has broad shoulders, which makes a man seem like a good mate. Put down the wine and think, JoJo.

BACK AT THE MANSION. Ali reads the group date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad. “Love has no secrets.”

Chad is mad and says he doesn’t want to go because he has to be with all the other dudes. Jordan is mad at this and says something like, what, bro.

I get a text from Dalton Domino.

Now Alex and Chad are bickering. It’s amazing. Evan is sipping and watching. Jordan is hot.

GROUP DATE. The guys are headed to the date in a limo 10 sizes too small for all of them. Wells sips water and says nothing and yet is perfect.

The date is Sex Talks, a storytelling show about revealing sex stories/secrets.

I hate JoJo for choosing this as a date. Like I really, really hate her.

Jordan looks completely terrified. And JoJo is sitting next to him and keeps laughing at the stories and touching him and his face is the same.

Evan, the penis doctor, is excited.

I’m not.

Chad doesn’t want to participate. Daniel is like c’mon, bro.

All the guys tell their stories and JoJo is laughing hysterically. Evan doesn’t tell a sex story. Instead, he just, like, roasts Chad. This isn’t Comedy Central, you’re not a comedian, but ok.

Chad calls JoJo up on stage and says it’s not about the past and tries to kiss her and she turns her cheeks and everyone applauds and it’s so bizarre. Chad is so mad. We’ve all turned our cheek to a roid-filled guy and it’s always scary. Chad is shoving Evan.

“It was all in good fun, bro.” -Evan

JOJO IS STILL CALLING NICK SANTA AND I THINK THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. Sometimes I call guys daddy to embarrass them in public and I think it’s the funniest thing ever. So finally JoJo and I have something in common. Thx for praying.

forever st. nick im sorry sux to sux

Jordan and JoJo sit down. Jordan is talking and JoJo is sipping her whiskey and Diet Coke and not listening to him. Jordan says he hasn’t had this feeling in a long time while her perfect legs are draped over him.

Alex and JoJo sit down. Alex says he is ride or die for her. Cool.

Vinny and JoJo. He tries on a fringe jacket. Idk what’s happening.

Wells and JoJo. WELLS IS SO TUTE HE JUST GOT LIKE 4 SECONDS ON SCREEN AND I’M MAD. MAD I TELL YOU.

All the guys are sitting around talking to Chad and he is getting mad. I’m bored. I’m hungry.

BACK TO THE MANSION. A date card comes. It’s for James Taylor. “Let’s kick it old school”
JT is so humbled. He is so moved. He might cry.

BACK TO THE GROUP DATE. Chad and JoJo. He is literally sitting there and telling her he is a bully and yet she doesn’t listen. All she can remember is the one time he was sweet when he was talking about his dead mother. It’s amazing. Evan comes to interrupt it and Chad is not pleased.

Evan and JoJo. JoJo’s body language with him is not great. Her hand is on his shoulder but not in a romantic way. Evan says if Chad stays, I’m gone. JoJo is so overwhelmed because she is pretending to be interested in Evan, a preacher turned penis doctor. I would give up donuts before JoJo would ever date Evan. It’s humorous she’s even pretending at this point.

I still have 30 minutes left of this show. I cannot go on.

JoJo steals Evan away with the rose in her hand like the biggest tease in all of America. She gives him the rose and he mentions something about his kids.

ARE YOU READY TO BE A STEPMOM, JOJO. ARE YOU WORTHY, JOJO. IT’S NOT ALL FUN N GAMES. I WOULD KNOW. I WENT ON A DATE ONCE WITH A GUY WHO HAS A KID SO I’M BASICALLY A STEPMOTHER.

They come back to the group and Chad is so taken aback that Evan got the rose.

“You’re actually right now vibing this dude,” says Chad, says all of America, says God.

JoJo is mad at Chad in her leather jacket and I’m having flashbacks to Emily Maynard getting mad in her leather jacket and I wish JoJo was Emily Maynard.


BACK AT THE MANSION. Derek is scared to sleep next to Chad. Luke eats a protein bar. So now there is a security guard watching Chad and that is the one true This Show Is Fake moment. Like, sure Charles Kelley is performing a concert in a park. But, no, don’t make me believe a security guard is actually needed to protect Derek against Chad.

JOJO AND JT’S DATE. They are going to a swing dancing lesson from a woman named Jean. She tells us she fell in love with her dance partner.

JT has the cutest curls. JT is cute. I’m fine.

BACK AT THE MANSION. The security guard is still there.

BACK TO THE DATE. JoJo and JT are having a jolly good time. Just a jolly good time. Can’t wait for them to go to the corner drug store and sit down for a pop cola and share it with red and white striped straws and it’s just so much fun y’all.

JT is dancing and I’m a little turned off.

They are dancing in an area that looks like the area outside Texas Tech’s library. Between the library and the SUB. The Free Speech area. My roommate agrees.

Brad just brought me 10 Jack in the Box tacos and I can’t think straight now.

JT tells JoJo that he wasn’t cute when he was 12 and somehow that is relevant to this date. WE WERE ALL UGLY WHEN WE WERE 12, WELCOME TO ADOLESCENCE, BRO. IF YOU PEAK WHEN YOU’RE 12, THEN YOU’RE DONE. The girl who peaked in middle school is now a waitress at Hooters, so. AND I HAVE A BLOG CALLED JUST PMSING HAHAHAHAHAhelp.

JT then pulls out a guitar and sings JoJo a song and Brad, my roommate and me just had a 10-minute talk on how we feel about that. How do you feel about it? Tweet me with the hashtag #PMSGuitarDiscussion

BACK AT THE MANSION. Chris Harrison announces no cocktail party,  A POOL PARTY. YAY JOJO IN A SWIMSUIT YAY kill me.

Evan pulls CH and his pink shirt aside and says Chad is a bully, he tore my shirt. Chris says ok. Chris pulls Chad aside and pretends to care. It’s amazing. Chad and Evan are telling different stories and YET WHY AREN’T WE REVIEWING THE TAPE FROM THE MILLIONS OF CAMERAS ON AT ALL TIMES.

Brad just told me Evan looks like Gary Oldman in the Fifth Element. Idk what that means but I googled it and I agree. It’s funny.

The episode is done but there’s another one this week and i already cannot.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: JoJo has been on the Internet like once

Hi. I just drank a Gloria’s margarita. I’m a lil drunk. Wells and James Taylor are hot. These are my drunken thoughts.

Let’s get started with this episode. I’m excited. Who’s ready. I’m not. Ok.

BUT FIRST, DISCLAIMER: I know a lot of y’all don’t read spoilers and I wish I could but my anxiety causes me to have to know the outcome to everything always. I respect anyone’s decision to refrain from spoilers. I tried really hard to stay away from them for the purpose of blogging this season, but just like that time I tried to give up alcohol for a month, at one low point I found myself with a margarita in front of me.

But this time, take out the margarita and replace it with realitysteve.com. OK, scratch that. I had a margarita while reading Reality Steve. Blogging is hard and requires alcohol, sue me.

I promise I will not give away anything that ruins the ending of the show. But maybe it’s just the super sophisticated journalist in me (v sophisticated), but I like to have background info before falling in love with these men and/or JoJo.

I mean you don’t just go on a date with a guy before stalking his Facebook, Twitter, Insta, Google+, LinkedIn, middle school report cards, and credit reports, do you??????? DO YOU????????

And according to RS, who I trust more than any man I will ever date, JoJo and Jordan were in contact before the show. Then she went on Entertainment Tonight and denied they were talking, but she knew he was going to be on the show because of the Internet.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU MISS THE DAMN DANIEL VIDEO BUT SOMEHOW STUMBLE UPON JORDAN RODGERS BEING CAST ON THE BACHELORETTE. DOES JOJO FLETCHER HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. DO I HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. that’s none of your damn business ok.

Also about that Grant boy. Reality Steve received an email from his ex’s best friend and there’s some shady-ass behavior going on, proving Grants everywhere are out to ruin lives. (I’M KIDDING, GRANT, IF YOU’RE READING THIS. I KNOW YOU’RE ABOUT TO TEXT ME, SO CALM DOWN.)

With all this said: Let’s dive into this week’s episode. I already said that but ok. Ok.

First date card: Luke, Grant, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, Zach, Robby, I think. I’m one marg drunk so who honest to god even knows.

The date has to do with being a firefighter and JoJo is in a firefighter costume so really can we not. I have no idea what just happened. I was too busy getting settled in. JoJo made putting out fire puns, I’m sure.

Commercial. Finding Dory commercial. I miss Ellen.

Back at the mansion.
Ok, so Chad proves he’s the ultimate douche by doing pull-ups while wearing a weight belt with his luggage attached to him and I didn’t even know a weight belt was a thing, but here we are.

Back to the group date.
They are at a fire academy and Wells is too feminine for this. I feel sorry for him. I want to hold him and tell him that there are women out there who find feminine men attractive. (Me.)

“Today is going to be a hot day. I’m gonna see some guys sweating.” -JoJo clearly looking for what’s important in a man.

Oh, ok, so Grant is an actual firefighter so he has the upperhand. Remember from disclaimer we don’t like Grant. All the guys are doing like firefighter challenges and JoJo says this is the hottest date she’s ever been on and I don’t know if she wanted the pun there or not.

Robby is so homosexual but I think JoJo likes that.

Wells is about to pass out. I’m about to pass out while watching them.

But he gets alone time with JoJo and says something really cute and sweet to her.


Back at the mansion.
The guys are singing a song led by James Taylor. They are singing a song about JoJo. It’s too much. Jordan’s hair flipped because he was banging his head too much. Chad isn’t interested. I’m not interested. This is like fraternity hazing on crack. Just throw piss at the guys and other things like a normal frat. Don’t make them all sing a song about one girl. Painful.

Back to the group date.
JoJo is wearing a white wifebeater and looks hot as hell and that’s why I hate her and can’t trust her. So now at the firefighter date Wells has to go up against Grant on the ultimate firefighter challenge and Grant is an actuall firefighter and TEAM WELLS TEAM RADIO DJ UNTIL I DIE. Also. What kind of sick world does JoJo live in where she thinks this is an enjoyable date for anyone besides her. What is this accomplishing. She literally just wants to see who will embarrass themselves the most on TV for her.

Grant won the challenge and Wells didn’t and that’s why I hate this show.

Also Luke was competing but I didn’t notice that until just now. He didn’t win.

But Luke is hot.

I like Luke sweaty.

These are my thoughts.

The cocktail party.
Luke is in a leather jacket. JoJo says she’s blown away by Grant and Grant tells her that he’s going to wake up every day and say he loves her. I dislike Grant.

THEN THEY START MAKING OUT BC WHY NOT KISS A HERO KISS A FIREFIGHTER KISS A SOLIDER HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY.

“She doesn’t seem to be into the kiss.” -Brad. I’m watching this show with a male who did stand-up comedy like once. 

Back at the mansion.
Derek gets the first one-on-one date, which is weird because who is Derek. Jordan is disappointed.

Group date. 
JoJo grabs Wells because Wells is hot and a radio DJ who I love forever and ever. And he’s funny. JoJo is laughing. Wells is being witty and self-deprecating. JoJo says she loves his energy. He says he’s interested in building a relationship with JoJo, aka becoming the next Bobby Bones. We’ve all been there.

Luke claims he’s starting to feel a connection with JoJo aka he thinks she’s hot.

JoJo tells someone that she really wants to be engaged. She’s a typical Baylor grad. Ring by spring AMIRITEEEEEE. ok.

Luke went to West Point for college.

Everyone name their alma maters. Or let’s guess everyone’s alma maters. Chad probably went to TCU, like a complete douche college. Luke went to Tech probably. Wells went to some artsy indie college. James Taylor didn’t go to college. He went straight to Nashville. These are my theories. Thanks and goodnight.

WAIT STILL HAVE A SHOW TO BLOG.

Luke wants that make out so bad and JoJo just went for it because what is self-control what is being a Proverbs 31 woman. Who knows. No one knows.

“I’m into this kiss.” -KK, my roommate.

Now it’s time to hand out the group date rose. Wells better get the rose. I’m not picky but Wells is the only man here worth a damn, but I’m not particular no.

YAASSSSS SHE GAVE IT TO WELLS YASSSSS TEAM RADIO DJ TEAM FEMININE MEN YASSSSSSS TEAM WELLS TEAM DATE ME

One-on-one date with Derek.
JoJo pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion in that baby blue convertible she was driving around during the first episode. “You like my whip,” she asks Derek. I’m sorry. No. Whip. No. Team no don’t say that, JoJo.

Derek and JoJo head out the door to start their adventure of a date. Derek is wearing a baseball tee, which I find to be an interesting choice. Also, Derek is cute but not the kind of cute that makes you turn your head when you see him at the bar, you know. But like he’s cute enough for you to choose him as a lab partner in geology. You know. You know. I know you know. When you know you know you know. Ok.

JoJo explains that this date they have a bunch of choices and they get to decide and it’s cute in the way that it’s not cute at all. She most likely made some stupid analogy about making choices in life but I tuned her out when she didn’t say, “This date we’re going to sit on my couch and watch Catfish reruns” because that’s my ideal date.

The daytime date is over. It’s the dinner portion of the date. They are talking about past relationships. Now they are kissing. He claims fireworks. I wonder if men know the difference between fireworks and kissing a hot woman. Fireworks is when you actually like having a conversation with her and then you like kissing her. Not kissing her on national TV. I could write a research paper on this topic. Thank you.

“Her body language is just passive.” -Brad, a licensed body language expert apparently.

Back at the mansion.
They are still singing the JoJo song. Fraternity hazing is hard.

Daniel and Chad had formed a frat inside the frat called Douche Alpha Delta. They are even wearing matching black wifebeaters, but in my perfect world, they would wear shirts that read DAD.

“Stay away from the nice guys.” -Chad’s advice to women everywhere.

“If I was on the Bachelor, I would just drink all f**king day.” -KK

“I would drink so much, I would struggle to keep my shit together. I would be like, I need the rose to keep getting the free liquor.” -Brad

Next date card.
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, James Taylor, Alex, Chad. “Prove your love to me” because leaving your job, family, friends, and girlfriends to make a fool of yourself on national TV isn’t enough for JoJo apparently.

Three guys don’t have dates. Does anyone care besides their mothers watching this at home right now.

Group date.
IT HAS TO DO WITH JOJO MOUTHING OFF SPORTS FACTS. OH MY GOD CAN ANYTHING BE ANY MORE ANNOYING. LOOK I’M JOJO I’M A COOL GIRL AND I DRINK BEER AND WATCH FOOTBALL AND HATE DRAMA. i’m done.

Honestly does JoJo know the difference between a football and a baseball.

“I grew up watching ESPN.”

lololololololol ok. me 2. Stump The Schwab, amiriteeeeeee.

This sports date has to do with throwing a rose into the end zone and then doing a touchdown dance. Not even making this up. If you didn’t watch and you’re just reading this recap, then trust me when I say it’s as stupid as it sounds.

But I like JoJo’s shirt.

KK won’t stop playing with Winston and I’m distracted.

Now the two ESPN sports broadcasters are making all the men propose to JoJo. Chad just gets on one knee and says, Will you marry me, which I half love, I’m sorry.

“I’m a words of affirmation girl.” -JoJo

YAS SHE KNOWS LOVE LANGUAGES I LOVE THAT I LOVE JOJO SHE HAS TAKEN THE TEST. PROB ON THE INTERNET MAYBE. HAS JOJO BEEN ON THE INTERNET???????????????

Now they all have to deem someone the worst and everyone hates Chad and JoJo is like am I missing something??? lol??? i love jojo. context clues amirite. If everyone in the house hates a guy, then go ahead and get rid of him. I can say this because I was once the Bachelorette and know how easy it is to date 25 guys at once because that’s typically my Friday night.

The ESPN commentators ask who is in it for the wrong reasons and Chad says everyone. He goes off on everyone. It’s amazing.

JoJo tells the camera that she likes Chad’s honesty hahahahahahahahaha being dumb is hard. We’ve all fallen for a Chad. There’s always that one guy who tells you that your blog post isn’t funny and you’re like well at least he’s being honest. No he’s being an asshole, there’s a difference. I wish JoJo had a humor blog.

Now everyone is being ranked. This show.
3. Alex
2. Chad
1. James Taylor.

This show.

Everyone is piiiiiiiiised at Chad. Chad is like I don’t love JoJo so when I fake propose to her on TV I’m not going to say I love her. The rest of the guys are like bro, it was a joke. Chad is like, This isn’t a joke, all of y’all just lied to her. Chad is scary bad at being lighthearted. Chad strikes me as a guy who gets really upset at April Fools Day. These are my thoughts.

Commercial. Casting calls in Dallas and Houston. I did that once.

“I think ABC needs to do a gay Bachelor.” -Brad.

That’s been discussed.

Back at the group date. Cocktail hour. Everyone still hates Chad. It’s amazing. It’s tragic. It’s Monday night.

Sidenote. Happy Memorial Day to all the troops who died fighting. And all my ex-boyfriends fighting. May some of you be forgotten.

Ok. Sorry. JoJo sits down with James Taylor. “A smile is the only thing you can have on the outside that comes from the inside.” Is that a song lyric he wrote because no. JT knows JoJo is out of her league. He’s self-aware. I like that. He wrote a poem for her and it’s as bad as you think it is. “I love God but I let him down daily” is a line in it and I swear that’s a Lee Brice lyric he ripped off. JoJo is crying. Idk if she thinks it’s sweet or tragic. She feels honored and she’s crying and now they are kissing because why not.

Jordan says JoJo has impressed him with how she’s handled herself. What does that even mean?????? She’s making out on national TV???????????????????????????????? Haha?????????????

Chad finally gets to sit down with JoJo and he’s being honest and JoJo thinks she likes it. JoJo is wearing glittery eyeshadow and it’s stressful.

Chad’s mom died six months ago and says his mom was his best friend. Lying is hard. Also nothing says honoring your dead mother like coming on a show and being a douche omega and making out with a Dallas girl. Happy Memorial Day.

Idk why JoJo is into Chad. It’s amazing how dumb girls are.

“If Chad gets the rose tonight, I would rethink my whole life.” -JT. Your whole life?????? YOUR WHOLE LIFE???????????????????????? NOT THAT TIME YOU DECIDED TO GO BY JAMES TAYLOR AND BE A COUNTRY MUSICIAN AND GO ON THE BACHELORETTE?????????????????????????

KK claims she’s trying out for the Bachelor. She is two margs drunk and won’t shut up about it. Pray for me.

JAMES TAYLOR GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR. SO FAR JOJO AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. TEAM JAMES TAYLOR. TEAM COUNTRY MUSICIAN. I WONDER IF WELLS WOULD PLAY A JAMES TAYLOR SONG ON HIS STATION. I LOVE THESE MEN.

Rose ceremony.
Chad steals JoJo away. The guys are concerned. I can tell because their eyebrows say, “I’m concerned.”

“Why is Vinny still there? That’s what I wanna know.” -KK

Brad is watching basketball instead of this and I’m mad.

All the guys are mad that Chad got more one-on-one time with JoJo than the others. I don’t know what these guys think dating in the real world is like. I don’t think any of them have ever done it. I’m not sure if they know that when you’re talking to a girl and there’s a bunch of other dudes around (aka a bar) that at any time, a hotter, smoother dude can come and chat her up and there’s a 50 percent chance she’s going say bye bye miss american pie and go with him. This is dating. This is Dallas. This is Dallas dating and it’s what JoJo did. Buck up, broncos.

Chase somehow made it snow and honestly I have no idea who Chase even is. Idk how he made it snow. He wanted to bring a piece of his world to her. He tells her he snowboards. She says she’s always wanted to try it, which is the most unoriginal thing in the world. Literally everyone in the world has wanted to try snowboarding.

But it doesn’t even matter about Chase because…

THIS IS THE CHAD SHOW. NO ONE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM. EVERYONE IS GAY FOR HIM. JOJO WHO. THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT EVERYONE PURSUING HOW MUCH THEY HATE CHAD.

Yall. Everyone is so mad at Chad. It’s annoying. We get it. Chad keeps stealing JoJo away and we are mad. Maybe be a more appealing man and JoJo will be attracted to you.

The episode ends with a rose ceremony. Will and James S. and the Hipster go home. I will miss the Hipster. I want everyone to know I said James wouldn’t make it past episode 2. I’m glad Will is gone because I couldn’t tell the difference between him and James Taylor.

The next episode involves kissing I’m sure.

The Bachelorette Episode 1: JoJo has never been on the Internet

i stole this idea from itsfineimfine.com i have no original thots

Everyone take my hand.

What I’m about to do no other blog has done before. I’m going to recap The Bachelorette.

OK, so like every other blog on the planet recaps this show and some are funny and some are really unfunny. I wanted my friend at itsfineimfine.com to do it, but she refused, so now I’m doing it.

For the country.

For the troops.

I’m basically Bob Hope.

Also Hot Neighbor is here watching it with me. He spilled his red wine. He’s nervous.

The premiere episode starts out going over what happened with Bachelor Ben last season and it’s all very sad. Except when you think about that time her ex Chad went to InTouch and said JoJo didn’t really have feelings for Ben and that as soon as she got back to Dallas, she started hooking up with him. Look, if you don’t believe me, go straight to the mag for yourself.

Rabbit trail. Back to the Ben and JoJo flashback.

“He said he would never blindside me, but I feel very blindsided right now.” WELCOME TO DATING, JOJO. WELCOME TO LIFE. WELCOME TO HELL.

“The days and weeks following my breakup with Ben were very difficult for me.”

The first part of this episode is basically just JoJo getting ready to meet the men. She walks on the beach to show off how perfect her body is. We get it. JoJo is hot. And…

JoJo has long brown hair with some blonde in it, a flat stomach, big boobs, nice butt, and the perfect lips. They’re not too big, but they are big enough so she can wear lipstick and not have any issues.

I can see why she’s having such a hard time dating.

Now she’s driving up in a baby blue Malibu Barbie car and it’s all too much. We’re, like, 20 minutes into this sode and I already can’t with her.

She pulls up to the Bachelor mansion to get advice from previous Bachelorettes. We’ve got them all. Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali. Kaitlyn has little arms and hands and it’s weird. Ali is pregnant. Desiree. I want to like her but she strikes me as a boyfriend girl. JoJo asks about kissing the guys on the first night and all of them are like yeah! do it! who cares! They all say they kissed on the first night and yet I don’t remember a single one of them doing that. At all.

“Kaitlyn has midget arms.” -KK

“But she has sick Converse, though.” -Hot Neighbor

Kaitlyn asks JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she says hail yes, let’s do this. JoJo is younger than me and I have an open bottle of champagne sitting out from two weeks ago. Can’t imagine being put together enough to marry someone.

I wonder what Caila is thinking/doing right now.

“Caila, you’re not the Bachelorette.” -producers the week before filming was supposed to begin.

pretending to be ok.

Whatever. Let’s meet the men in their pre-packaged packages. Wut.

First one is Grant, 28, San Francisco
Do you ever date someone and then they break your heart and so for the rest of your life, if you meet someone with the same name as said heartbreaker, you just automatically hate them? Me neither. Grant seems gr8.

Jordan, idk how old, Hot Neighbor was talking

He’s the little brother of Aaron Rodgers. I know the name but it means nothing to me. He’s telling his sob story about how hard it is being the little brother of a famous football player and he’s sitting on bleachers with no one around him and it’s raining and it’s as tragic as you think it is. He chose football over love. “Now I’m in a place where I’m ready to make love… a priority.” I swear there was a pause between those two words where I actually thought he was just saying he was ready to make love.

Alex, 25, Oceanside, California
He’s driving a motorcycle. Says he felt lost during college so he enlisted in the Marine Corp. Could anyone be any less of my type. I hate the way he walks.

James, 27, Phoenix
He’s a bachelor super fan and has watch parties every week and fills out a bracket. It’s stupid. This guy won’t last past episode 2.

“I thought about doing a bracket, too.” -Hot Neighbor

Evan, 33, Nashville
This guy is a former preacher and now a penis doctor and creepy. “It’s a hard business.” This guy is secretly gay.

Ali, 27, Santa Monica
This guy is hot but he plays the piano and reads, so I doubt he would think this blog is funny. He has a little bitch dog. Winston is not impressed.

“I’m not attracted to him.” -KK

“Really? He seems like a pretty good-looking guy. He has a bright future. But he surfs, plays the piano and walks a dog. So he’s sort of a catch.” -Hot Neighbor

Christian, idk how old, LA
This guy is everyone’s worst nightmare. He says he’s motivated because he gets to the gym at 0430 each morning. He’s been through a lot because he grew up biracial. His white dad’s side of the family didn’t know he existed. He lives with his two little brothers. They’re drinking water without any ice. Stressed out.

Luke, 31, Hill Country
He’s a country boy from a small town. He learned “small town lessons.” Was in the military. He’s lost friends. Need his opinion on Chris Kyle. Luke is growing on me and I hate country boys who served in the military. Need everyone’s prayers rn. He’s leaning up against a red barn and I’m into it. Who am I.

“Look at that! One foot up pose.” -Hot Neighbor

All the men are about to meet JoJo. Everyone hold on. Grab a glass of wine. Scared.

JoJo arrives in her limo.

Let’s check in with Caila again.

Men in order:
Jordan- First out of the limo. This means producers think he has a real shot. Other contestants who were first out of the limo: Sean during Emily’s season, Lauren B. during Ben’s season, Chantal during Brad’s season, Britt during Chris’s season. Jordan is cute. It’s stressful.
Hot Neighbor has a lot of theories about older brother Aaron coming in and swooping JoJo off her feet.
Derek- He tells JoJo she has a good sense of self, whatever that means.
Grant- Says he won’t fall in love with two girls, just her, dumb joke, but she thinks it’s sweet.
James- “I didn’t come here for a rose. I came here for a relationship.” Vomit.
Robby- She says, “Hey, handsome.” JoJo likes pretty boys. I respect that. Makes her drink wine straight from the bottle because that’s what her mom did last season. Respect.
Alex- He’s short.
Will- He tries to make a joke by getting his notecards out of order and it’s funny, but I don’t think JoJo got that he was joking. Already can’t with JoJo. I deserve Will.
Chad- She is so taken aback by this name because a Chad broke her heart once. Chad doesn’t stand a chance. But she thinks he’s hot.
Daniel-
He makes a Damn Daniel joke, but says, ‘Damn JoJo. Back at it again as The Bachelorette’ and I don’t think JoJo gets it. JoJo doesn’t deserve this title as Bachelorette. He hugs her with one arm so he can keep his other hand in his pocket on his gun because he’s a murderer.
“One-arm hugs?? Are you kidding me??” -Hot Neighbor
Ali- He was really nice and used the word “awestruck.” I like him.
James Taylor- He sings a sweet song while getting out of the limo and then says his name and JoJo yells “James??” in the most hick accent. Wait I like James? I know I made fun of him before but I like him. Also: I’m gonna get Will and James confused so fair warning.
Jon- He shows up in a kilt. I can’t. He makes a penis joke. It doesn’t land. JoJo says his outfit is “ballsy.” Idk if she meant for the pun or not.
St. Nick- Wears Santa costume. Makes a hohoho joke but saying ‘jojojo.’ Also someone told me that JoJo’s nickname in high school was HoHo so she probably doesn’t like this joke. I have mad respect for this man.
Chase- Wears a mustache clip sunglasses thing.
Jake- Black architect
Sal- Brings her blue balls and tells her to squeeze them.


Brandon- His job title is Hipster. Into it strangely.
James S.- Says he’s nervous
Nick- He does the splits and starts dancing with her.
Vinny- Has toast
Peter- Has stuffed heart
Evan- Says, “My god bless America, how’s it going girlie,” he is so gay.
Wells- “You are so out of my league it’s ridiculous.” He brought All for One. I could not be more in love with Wells if I tried.
“I can see why you’re into him.” -Hot Neighbor
Christian- Rolls up on motorcycle, JoJo says, “I feel a bad boy,” I kill myself.
Luke- Comes in on a horse with a thing on its head to make it a unicorn. Ugh do I like Luke.

All the guys are here. They are discussing JoJo and how hot she is.

“We’re not worthy”
“She’s hottest Bachelorette ever”
“She’s in the unicorn section. Not crazy and all hot.”

Cool. But does she have a blog. Is she funny. Let’s find out.

Alex is first to steal her away and all the men are mad about it and I don’t understand what they thought they were here to do.

I appreciate JoJo because she is very engaged with these guys. Making eye contact and touching them. She is…

Quite the tease because she’s going to send all but one home. I respect that.
All the guys are talking about how nervous they are. And I get it. Guys are always nervous to talk to me and that’s why guys never approach me while I’m out.

She’s connected yet not feeling a connection with any of these guys. She’s literally sitting there and faking all the conversations. It’s literally me on any date ever. Sometimes I fake laugh so well, I’ll go home and genuinely not know if I had a good time or not because I did so well at fooling myself.

BUT THERE IS A GOD because she sits down with NFL Jordan and birds start singing. JoJo is so happy listening to him blab about his life and sports. Blab blab blab touchdown media growing up.

Will does that orgami thing from the third grade and makes her kiss him and it’s basically rape and she hates it. And says to him that hopefully their kisses get better. Then Jordan sweeps in.

THEN THEY KISS AND IT’S LIKE AN ACTUAL ROMANTIC COMEDY AND STOP THE SEASON NOW. JORDAN IS GONNA WIN. THIS IS TOO EASY. I REMEMBER WHEN I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND.


“He’s into her. Just like his tongue. Just kidding. There was no tongue.” -Hot Neighbor

Then she ruins the moment by walking away and saying something about his butt. I hate butts.

Little segment with JoJo and Wells and the acapella group and Wells is cute and charming and funny and JoJo doesn’t deserve him. I’m mad.

Hot Neighbor is Tindering for KK and I’m distracted.

I just took a sip of water and drooled it out. I have no idea why I’m not the Bachelorette.

I could never be the Bachelorette because my hair doesn’t curl.

Sorry. Back to the show.

JoJo sits down with Chad and he takes down other women to compliment her. “You’re confident unlike other women. Most women are too concerned with themselves.” I hate Chad.

JoJo and Daniel. He explains his Damn Daniel joke. She says, “Someone made a video saying ‘Damn JoJo?'”

HAHA PRETTY GIRLS ARE SO NAIVE. He explains no, they said Damn Daniel. JoJo has never been on the Internet. Pretty girls don’t have to get on the Internet for interaction with people. Must be nice.

Then all of a sudden Daniel is drunk and poking men’s belly buttons and we’ve literally all been there. No seriously. Classic PMS move — getting drunk and poking belly buttons. Then he gets naked and jumps in the pool and someone says Damn Daniel. It’s rly funny. JoJo wouldn’t get it. Pretty girls don’t need the internet.

JoJo is now in her confessional and Nick crashes it with a glass of water and I literally called this. I said I was most attracted to Nick so he was going to be the drunk one. And what do you know. Then Vinny crashes the party. Nick and Vinny are so drunk. JoJo is having flashbacks to being at the Trophy Room surrounded by drunk douches.

JoJo and James Taylor time- He is being very sweet, and his brother is from Uptown and JoJo is like lol, have I made out with him.

JoJo and Luke- He bought her cowboy boots and it’s apparent JoJo has never worn cowboy boots in her in life. JoJo says Luke has a silent, sexy confidence.

JoJo leaves Luke and walks into the room with all the men and they all stand when she walks in and I love that. She grabs the first impression rose and everyone is super nervous. In a move that is as shocking as Ellen Page coming out of the closet, JoJo gives Jordan the first impression rose. First out of the limo. First impression rose. This man is gonna win AND NO I HAVE NOT READ REALITY STEVE THIS SEASON. She says she is excited about Jordan and did not expect to kiss him the first night. Lol. Lying is hard. Then Jordan and his perfect face says he was scared of going home the first night. Lol. Lying is hard.

Chris Harrison walks in the room and announces it’s rose ceremony time. Everyone is nervous.

“Do they not use real roses?” -Hot Neighbor is concerned about this.

Just before JoJo starts to hand out the first rose, JAKE PAVELKA WALTZ IN.

I interviewed Pavelka once and he was super weird. Read about it here. Self-promotion, amirite.

Anyway, Pavelka gives her advice because they are family friends. Apparently all Bachelors and Bachelorettes from Dallas know one another. Where is Sean Lowe?? Where is Jeremy Anderson? I think that’s his name? Where is Carly and Zak Waddell?

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY
Who gets roses in order: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad…

“God, get Chad out of there. He’s a big chadhole.” -Hot Neighbor

…Chase, Alex…

“He’s got that Zac Efron look.” -Hot Neighbor

…Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, St. Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel.

PREVIEW FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: Horses, planes, cliff diving, kissing, hugging, kissing, kissing in the ocean, falling in love, dancing, bad boys, kissing up against a wall, Aaron Rodger’s little brother, girlfriends before the season, drinking, fighting, punching a door, bad boys, drinking, fighting, blood, FIGHTING, CRYING, I JUST WANNA FIND SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME, MORE CRYING, red dresses, red lips, kissing on a boat, tattoos, Thailand, kissing underneath water, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

All The Douchey Men of The Bachelorette

There was a time when I was drunk at Texas Roadhouse in Garland, Texas, when I was begging my friend at itsfineimfine.com to blog The Bachelorette.

She said no.

I said oh.

She said you do it.

I drunkenly said ok.

So here we are. I am going to attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette featuring none other than our fellow Dallas girl JoJo Fletcher.

To start things off, let’s get to know her suitors and rank them on a 4-point PMS scale.

The more PMS faces the dude gets, the douchier I think they are.

This is fun. Let’s begin.

Alex

Let’s start this out with a 4-point rating on the douche scale. I hate anyone whose favorite movie is Troy, I hate anyone who has family-related tattoos, and I especially hate anyone who sees themselves running a business with their twin in five years.

Chad

I chose him second because I appreciated his beard and then I read what he had to say for himself and he’s like every other gorgeous guy in the world with a beard. Really, really into himself. The questions keep asking him who he would want to eat dinner with, and who he wants to be and he keeps saying “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” which has to be some Matthew McConagay joke I’m not getting. And also, it’s all right, not alright, I hate this man. 3 PMS Douche Faces.

Jordan

I thought for sure I would hate this guy just based on the fact that he’s the lil bro of football star Aaron Rodgers. But then I read what he had to say for himself and when asked what’s the craziest thing he’s ever done in the bedroom, he responded, “tried to hang a TV on the ceiling with a stud finder” and I giggled. I like dat. If JoJo marries this fool, she’ll be sisters-in-law with Olivia Munn, everyone’s favorite Japanese news reporter turned actress.

Nick

This guy is by far my favorite of the bunch because I like his face and his attitude and the fact that he likes the movie The Sandlot and he was an Eagle Scout so he was a dork at one point, so he doesn’t expect this woman to be ultra cool because he’s been really uncool at some point in his life, and he looks feminine even though he says he has chased a mountain lion. With all this said, he will probably end up being the biggest douche in the house or get really wasted the first night and then I’ll be left feeling dumb LIKE MOST OF MY RELATIONSHIPS IM FINE.

Wells

JK I AM ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND HIS FACE. He’s a radio DJ and hopes to be syndicated soon (HASHTAG DREAM BIG GOALS I ALSO WANNA WRITE FOR NY MAG). He says he has wit and his dream date includes wine and cheese so like he’s feminine. I’m fine, I’m in love, wow.

Daniel

Lol, this man’s biggest date fear is when the girl embarrasses him in the restaurant, which is literally the funniest thing I’ve heard in awhile because there is not a man on this planet who I have not embarrassed in some form or fashion. This guy is also a male model, so like congrats, how is it in fantasy world because lol. He doesn’t have tattoos because you don’t put a sticker on a lambo and says he isn’t a romantic but has good manners, so I hate this guy.

Coley

I wanted to like this guy because he has a very inviting smile, a smile that says, I’m here for you, girl, but then he said 4th of July is his favorite holiday because of ‘Merica and then I just couldn’t. Everyone knows 4th of July is in the top 2 worst holidays along with Thanksgiving, but nice try, Coley. He also likes the Harry Potter books, so like, great, 5th grade is awesome, have fun there. I can say all of this because I once watched Grease Live twice in the same day.

James Taylor

Well this guy has an American flag tattoo, so like, I hate myself just thinking about that. And then when asked what he would want on a deserted island, he didn’t say a boat, so I hate anyone who doesn’t answer that question correctly. And then finally, he referred to his father as “daddy” and I’m already throwing up. Also, he’s a singer/songwriter who goes by James Taylor, so good luck playing at the Bluebird Cafe in Nashville for the rest of your life, I guess.

Christian

Christian’s best friend of the opposite sex is his mother, which is sweet I guess, if you’re into mama’s boys and becoming friends with Mark Cuban is something that is actually on his bucket list and I can’t tell if he’s kidding or not, so that’s frightening. Mark Cuban once RTed an article I wrote, so hate to make this about me, Christian, but I think I hate you.

Will

I like this guy because he likes to dance and he doesn’t like to talk about super serious things on the first date and I can respect that. He likes it when his date is able to make fun of herself, which is literally this entire blog, so hello, Will, I’m here.

I didn’t blog all the men because there’s only so much douche a woman can take.