The Bachelorette Episode 2: JoJo has been on the Internet like once

Hi. I just drank a Gloria’s margarita. I’m a lil drunk. Wells and James Taylor are hot. These are my drunken thoughts.

Let’s get started with this episode. I’m excited. Who’s ready. I’m not. Ok.

BUT FIRST, DISCLAIMER: I know a lot of y’all don’t read spoilers and I wish I could but my anxiety causes me to have to know the outcome to everything always. I respect anyone’s decision to refrain from spoilers. I tried really hard to stay away from them for the purpose of blogging this season, but just like that time I tried to give up alcohol for a month, at one low point I found myself with a margarita in front of me.

But this time, take out the margarita and replace it with realitysteve.com. OK, scratch that. I had a margarita while reading Reality Steve. Blogging is hard and requires alcohol, sue me.

I promise I will not give away anything that ruins the ending of the show. But maybe it’s just the super sophisticated journalist in me (v sophisticated), but I like to have background info before falling in love with these men and/or JoJo.

I mean you don’t just go on a date with a guy before stalking his Facebook, Twitter, Insta, Google+, LinkedIn, middle school report cards, and credit reports, do you??????? DO YOU????????

And according to RS, who I trust more than any man I will ever date, JoJo and Jordan were in contact before the show. Then she went on Entertainment Tonight and denied they were talking, but she knew he was going to be on the show because of the Internet.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU MISS THE DAMN DANIEL VIDEO BUT SOMEHOW STUMBLE UPON JORDAN RODGERS BEING CAST ON THE BACHELORETTE. DOES JOJO FLETCHER HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. DO I HAVE A GOOGLE ALERT FOR HER NAME. that’s none of your damn business ok.

Also about that Grant boy. Reality Steve received an email from his ex’s best friend and there’s some shady-ass behavior going on, proving Grants everywhere are out to ruin lives. (I’M KIDDING, GRANT, IF YOU’RE READING THIS. I KNOW YOU’RE ABOUT TO TEXT ME, SO CALM DOWN.)

With all this said: Let’s dive into this week’s episode. I already said that but ok. Ok.

First date card: Luke, Grant, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, Zach, Robby, I think. I’m one marg drunk so who honest to god even knows.

The date has to do with being a firefighter and JoJo is in a firefighter costume so really can we not. I have no idea what just happened. I was too busy getting settled in. JoJo made putting out fire puns, I’m sure.

Commercial. Finding Dory commercial. I miss Ellen.

Back at the mansion.
Ok, so Chad proves he’s the ultimate douche by doing pull-ups while wearing a weight belt with his luggage attached to him and I didn’t even know a weight belt was a thing, but here we are.

Back to the group date.
They are at a fire academy and Wells is too feminine for this. I feel sorry for him. I want to hold him and tell him that there are women out there who find feminine men attractive. (Me.)

“Today is going to be a hot day. I’m gonna see some guys sweating.” -JoJo clearly looking for what’s important in a man.

Oh, ok, so Grant is an actual firefighter so he has the upperhand. Remember from disclaimer we don’t like Grant. All the guys are doing like firefighter challenges and JoJo says this is the hottest date she’s ever been on and I don’t know if she wanted the pun there or not.

Robby is so homosexual but I think JoJo likes that.

Wells is about to pass out. I’m about to pass out while watching them.

But he gets alone time with JoJo and says something really cute and sweet to her.


Back at the mansion.
The guys are singing a song led by James Taylor. They are singing a song about JoJo. It’s too much. Jordan’s hair flipped because he was banging his head too much. Chad isn’t interested. I’m not interested. This is like fraternity hazing on crack. Just throw piss at the guys and other things like a normal frat. Don’t make them all sing a song about one girl. Painful.

Back to the group date.
JoJo is wearing a white wifebeater and looks hot as hell and that’s why I hate her and can’t trust her. So now at the firefighter date Wells has to go up against Grant on the ultimate firefighter challenge and Grant is an actuall firefighter and TEAM WELLS TEAM RADIO DJ UNTIL I DIE. Also. What kind of sick world does JoJo live in where she thinks this is an enjoyable date for anyone besides her. What is this accomplishing. She literally just wants to see who will embarrass themselves the most on TV for her.

Grant won the challenge and Wells didn’t and that’s why I hate this show.

Also Luke was competing but I didn’t notice that until just now. He didn’t win.

But Luke is hot.

I like Luke sweaty.

These are my thoughts.

The cocktail party.
Luke is in a leather jacket. JoJo says she’s blown away by Grant and Grant tells her that he’s going to wake up every day and say he loves her. I dislike Grant.

THEN THEY START MAKING OUT BC WHY NOT KISS A HERO KISS A FIREFIGHTER KISS A SOLIDER HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY.

“She doesn’t seem to be into the kiss.” -Brad. I’m watching this show with a male who did stand-up comedy like once. 

Back at the mansion.
Derek gets the first one-on-one date, which is weird because who is Derek. Jordan is disappointed.

Group date. 
JoJo grabs Wells because Wells is hot and a radio DJ who I love forever and ever. And he’s funny. JoJo is laughing. Wells is being witty and self-deprecating. JoJo says she loves his energy. He says he’s interested in building a relationship with JoJo, aka becoming the next Bobby Bones. We’ve all been there.

Luke claims he’s starting to feel a connection with JoJo aka he thinks she’s hot.

JoJo tells someone that she really wants to be engaged. She’s a typical Baylor grad. Ring by spring AMIRITEEEEEE. ok.

Luke went to West Point for college.

Everyone name their alma maters. Or let’s guess everyone’s alma maters. Chad probably went to TCU, like a complete douche college. Luke went to Tech probably. Wells went to some artsy indie college. James Taylor didn’t go to college. He went straight to Nashville. These are my theories. Thanks and goodnight.

WAIT STILL HAVE A SHOW TO BLOG.

Luke wants that make out so bad and JoJo just went for it because what is self-control what is being a Proverbs 31 woman. Who knows. No one knows.

“I’m into this kiss.” -KK, my roommate.

Now it’s time to hand out the group date rose. Wells better get the rose. I’m not picky but Wells is the only man here worth a damn, but I’m not particular no.

YAASSSSS SHE GAVE IT TO WELLS YASSSSS TEAM RADIO DJ TEAM FEMININE MEN YASSSSSSS TEAM WELLS TEAM DATE ME

One-on-one date with Derek.
JoJo pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion in that baby blue convertible she was driving around during the first episode. “You like my whip,” she asks Derek. I’m sorry. No. Whip. No. Team no don’t say that, JoJo.

Derek and JoJo head out the door to start their adventure of a date. Derek is wearing a baseball tee, which I find to be an interesting choice. Also, Derek is cute but not the kind of cute that makes you turn your head when you see him at the bar, you know. But like he’s cute enough for you to choose him as a lab partner in geology. You know. You know. I know you know. When you know you know you know. Ok.

JoJo explains that this date they have a bunch of choices and they get to decide and it’s cute in the way that it’s not cute at all. She most likely made some stupid analogy about making choices in life but I tuned her out when she didn’t say, “This date we’re going to sit on my couch and watch Catfish reruns” because that’s my ideal date.

The daytime date is over. It’s the dinner portion of the date. They are talking about past relationships. Now they are kissing. He claims fireworks. I wonder if men know the difference between fireworks and kissing a hot woman. Fireworks is when you actually like having a conversation with her and then you like kissing her. Not kissing her on national TV. I could write a research paper on this topic. Thank you.

“Her body language is just passive.” -Brad, a licensed body language expert apparently.

Back at the mansion.
They are still singing the JoJo song. Fraternity hazing is hard.

Daniel and Chad had formed a frat inside the frat called Douche Alpha Delta. They are even wearing matching black wifebeaters, but in my perfect world, they would wear shirts that read DAD.

“Stay away from the nice guys.” -Chad’s advice to women everywhere.

“If I was on the Bachelor, I would just drink all f**king day.” -KK

“I would drink so much, I would struggle to keep my shit together. I would be like, I need the rose to keep getting the free liquor.” -Brad

Next date card.
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, James Taylor, Alex, Chad. “Prove your love to me” because leaving your job, family, friends, and girlfriends to make a fool of yourself on national TV isn’t enough for JoJo apparently.

Three guys don’t have dates. Does anyone care besides their mothers watching this at home right now.

Group date.
IT HAS TO DO WITH JOJO MOUTHING OFF SPORTS FACTS. OH MY GOD CAN ANYTHING BE ANY MORE ANNOYING. LOOK I’M JOJO I’M A COOL GIRL AND I DRINK BEER AND WATCH FOOTBALL AND HATE DRAMA. i’m done.

Honestly does JoJo know the difference between a football and a baseball.

“I grew up watching ESPN.”

lololololololol ok. me 2. Stump The Schwab, amiriteeeeeee.

This sports date has to do with throwing a rose into the end zone and then doing a touchdown dance. Not even making this up. If you didn’t watch and you’re just reading this recap, then trust me when I say it’s as stupid as it sounds.

But I like JoJo’s shirt.

KK won’t stop playing with Winston and I’m distracted.

Now the two ESPN sports broadcasters are making all the men propose to JoJo. Chad just gets on one knee and says, Will you marry me, which I half love, I’m sorry.

“I’m a words of affirmation girl.” -JoJo

YAS SHE KNOWS LOVE LANGUAGES I LOVE THAT I LOVE JOJO SHE HAS TAKEN THE TEST. PROB ON THE INTERNET MAYBE. HAS JOJO BEEN ON THE INTERNET???????????????

Now they all have to deem someone the worst and everyone hates Chad and JoJo is like am I missing something??? lol??? i love jojo. context clues amirite. If everyone in the house hates a guy, then go ahead and get rid of him. I can say this because I was once the Bachelorette and know how easy it is to date 25 guys at once because that’s typically my Friday night.

The ESPN commentators ask who is in it for the wrong reasons and Chad says everyone. He goes off on everyone. It’s amazing.

JoJo tells the camera that she likes Chad’s honesty hahahahahahahahaha being dumb is hard. We’ve all fallen for a Chad. There’s always that one guy who tells you that your blog post isn’t funny and you’re like well at least he’s being honest. No he’s being an asshole, there’s a difference. I wish JoJo had a humor blog.

Now everyone is being ranked. This show.
3. Alex
2. Chad
1. James Taylor.

This show.

Everyone is piiiiiiiiised at Chad. Chad is like I don’t love JoJo so when I fake propose to her on TV I’m not going to say I love her. The rest of the guys are like bro, it was a joke. Chad is like, This isn’t a joke, all of y’all just lied to her. Chad is scary bad at being lighthearted. Chad strikes me as a guy who gets really upset at April Fools Day. These are my thoughts.

Commercial. Casting calls in Dallas and Houston. I did that once.

“I think ABC needs to do a gay Bachelor.” -Brad.

That’s been discussed.

Back at the group date. Cocktail hour. Everyone still hates Chad. It’s amazing. It’s tragic. It’s Monday night.

Sidenote. Happy Memorial Day to all the troops who died fighting. And all my ex-boyfriends fighting. May some of you be forgotten.

Ok. Sorry. JoJo sits down with James Taylor. “A smile is the only thing you can have on the outside that comes from the inside.” Is that a song lyric he wrote because no. JT knows JoJo is out of her league. He’s self-aware. I like that. He wrote a poem for her and it’s as bad as you think it is. “I love God but I let him down daily” is a line in it and I swear that’s a Lee Brice lyric he ripped off. JoJo is crying. Idk if she thinks it’s sweet or tragic. She feels honored and she’s crying and now they are kissing because why not.

Jordan says JoJo has impressed him with how she’s handled herself. What does that even mean?????? She’s making out on national TV???????????????????????????????? Haha?????????????

Chad finally gets to sit down with JoJo and he’s being honest and JoJo thinks she likes it. JoJo is wearing glittery eyeshadow and it’s stressful.

Chad’s mom died six months ago and says his mom was his best friend. Lying is hard. Also nothing says honoring your dead mother like coming on a show and being a douche omega and making out with a Dallas girl. Happy Memorial Day.

Idk why JoJo is into Chad. It’s amazing how dumb girls are.

“If Chad gets the rose tonight, I would rethink my whole life.” -JT. Your whole life?????? YOUR WHOLE LIFE???????????????????????? NOT THAT TIME YOU DECIDED TO GO BY JAMES TAYLOR AND BE A COUNTRY MUSICIAN AND GO ON THE BACHELORETTE?????????????????????????

KK claims she’s trying out for the Bachelor. She is two margs drunk and won’t shut up about it. Pray for me.

JAMES TAYLOR GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR. SO FAR JOJO AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. TEAM JAMES TAYLOR. TEAM COUNTRY MUSICIAN. I WONDER IF WELLS WOULD PLAY A JAMES TAYLOR SONG ON HIS STATION. I LOVE THESE MEN.

Rose ceremony.
Chad steals JoJo away. The guys are concerned. I can tell because their eyebrows say, “I’m concerned.”

“Why is Vinny still there? That’s what I wanna know.” -KK

Brad is watching basketball instead of this and I’m mad.

All the guys are mad that Chad got more one-on-one time with JoJo than the others. I don’t know what these guys think dating in the real world is like. I don’t think any of them have ever done it. I’m not sure if they know that when you’re talking to a girl and there’s a bunch of other dudes around (aka a bar) that at any time, a hotter, smoother dude can come and chat her up and there’s a 50 percent chance she’s going say bye bye miss american pie and go with him. This is dating. This is Dallas. This is Dallas dating and it’s what JoJo did. Buck up, broncos.

Chase somehow made it snow and honestly I have no idea who Chase even is. Idk how he made it snow. He wanted to bring a piece of his world to her. He tells her he snowboards. She says she’s always wanted to try it, which is the most unoriginal thing in the world. Literally everyone in the world has wanted to try snowboarding.

But it doesn’t even matter about Chase because…

THIS IS THE CHAD SHOW. NO ONE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM. EVERYONE IS GAY FOR HIM. JOJO WHO. THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT EVERYONE PURSUING HOW MUCH THEY HATE CHAD.

Yall. Everyone is so mad at Chad. It’s annoying. We get it. Chad keeps stealing JoJo away and we are mad. Maybe be a more appealing man and JoJo will be attracted to you.

The episode ends with a rose ceremony. Will and James S. and the Hipster go home. I will miss the Hipster. I want everyone to know I said James wouldn’t make it past episode 2. I’m glad Will is gone because I couldn’t tell the difference between him and James Taylor.

The next episode involves kissing I’m sure.

The Bachelorette Episode 1: JoJo has never been on the Internet

i stole this idea from itsfineimfine.com i have no original thots

Everyone take my hand.

What I’m about to do no other blog has done before. I’m going to recap The Bachelorette.

OK, so like every other blog on the planet recaps this show and some are funny and some are really unfunny. I wanted my friend at itsfineimfine.com to do it, but she refused, so now I’m doing it.

For the country.

For the troops.

I’m basically Bob Hope.

Also Hot Neighbor is here watching it with me. He spilled his red wine. He’s nervous.

The premiere episode starts out going over what happened with Bachelor Ben last season and it’s all very sad. Except when you think about that time her ex Chad went to InTouch and said JoJo didn’t really have feelings for Ben and that as soon as she got back to Dallas, she started hooking up with him. Look, if you don’t believe me, go straight to the mag for yourself.

Rabbit trail. Back to the Ben and JoJo flashback.

“He said he would never blindside me, but I feel very blindsided right now.” WELCOME TO DATING, JOJO. WELCOME TO LIFE. WELCOME TO HELL.

“The days and weeks following my breakup with Ben were very difficult for me.”

The first part of this episode is basically just JoJo getting ready to meet the men. She walks on the beach to show off how perfect her body is. We get it. JoJo is hot. And…

JoJo has long brown hair with some blonde in it, a flat stomach, big boobs, nice butt, and the perfect lips. They’re not too big, but they are big enough so she can wear lipstick and not have any issues.

I can see why she’s having such a hard time dating.

Now she’s driving up in a baby blue Malibu Barbie car and it’s all too much. We’re, like, 20 minutes into this sode and I already can’t with her.

She pulls up to the Bachelor mansion to get advice from previous Bachelorettes. We’ve got them all. Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali. Kaitlyn has little arms and hands and it’s weird. Ali is pregnant. Desiree. I want to like her but she strikes me as a boyfriend girl. JoJo asks about kissing the guys on the first night and all of them are like yeah! do it! who cares! They all say they kissed on the first night and yet I don’t remember a single one of them doing that. At all.

“Kaitlyn has midget arms.” -KK

“But she has sick Converse, though.” -Hot Neighbor

Kaitlyn asks JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she says hail yes, let’s do this. JoJo is younger than me and I have an open bottle of champagne sitting out from two weeks ago. Can’t imagine being put together enough to marry someone.

I wonder what Caila is thinking/doing right now.

“Caila, you’re not the Bachelorette.” -producers the week before filming was supposed to begin.

pretending to be ok.

Whatever. Let’s meet the men in their pre-packaged packages. Wut.

First one is Grant, 28, San Francisco
Do you ever date someone and then they break your heart and so for the rest of your life, if you meet someone with the same name as said heartbreaker, you just automatically hate them? Me neither. Grant seems gr8.

Jordan, idk how old, Hot Neighbor was talking

He’s the little brother of Aaron Rodgers. I know the name but it means nothing to me. He’s telling his sob story about how hard it is being the little brother of a famous football player and he’s sitting on bleachers with no one around him and it’s raining and it’s as tragic as you think it is. He chose football over love. “Now I’m in a place where I’m ready to make love… a priority.” I swear there was a pause between those two words where I actually thought he was just saying he was ready to make love.

Alex, 25, Oceanside, California
He’s driving a motorcycle. Says he felt lost during college so he enlisted in the Marine Corp. Could anyone be any less of my type. I hate the way he walks.

James, 27, Phoenix
He’s a bachelor super fan and has watch parties every week and fills out a bracket. It’s stupid. This guy won’t last past episode 2.

“I thought about doing a bracket, too.” -Hot Neighbor

Evan, 33, Nashville
This guy is a former preacher and now a penis doctor and creepy. “It’s a hard business.” This guy is secretly gay.

Ali, 27, Santa Monica
This guy is hot but he plays the piano and reads, so I doubt he would think this blog is funny. He has a little bitch dog. Winston is not impressed.

“I’m not attracted to him.” -KK

“Really? He seems like a pretty good-looking guy. He has a bright future. But he surfs, plays the piano and walks a dog. So he’s sort of a catch.” -Hot Neighbor

Christian, idk how old, LA
This guy is everyone’s worst nightmare. He says he’s motivated because he gets to the gym at 0430 each morning. He’s been through a lot because he grew up biracial. His white dad’s side of the family didn’t know he existed. He lives with his two little brothers. They’re drinking water without any ice. Stressed out.

Luke, 31, Hill Country
He’s a country boy from a small town. He learned “small town lessons.” Was in the military. He’s lost friends. Need his opinion on Chris Kyle. Luke is growing on me and I hate country boys who served in the military. Need everyone’s prayers rn. He’s leaning up against a red barn and I’m into it. Who am I.

“Look at that! One foot up pose.” -Hot Neighbor

All the men are about to meet JoJo. Everyone hold on. Grab a glass of wine. Scared.

JoJo arrives in her limo.

Let’s check in with Caila again.

Men in order:
Jordan- First out of the limo. This means producers think he has a real shot. Other contestants who were first out of the limo: Sean during Emily’s season, Lauren B. during Ben’s season, Chantal during Brad’s season, Britt during Chris’s season. Jordan is cute. It’s stressful.
Hot Neighbor has a lot of theories about older brother Aaron coming in and swooping JoJo off her feet.
Derek- He tells JoJo she has a good sense of self, whatever that means.
Grant- Says he won’t fall in love with two girls, just her, dumb joke, but she thinks it’s sweet.
James- “I didn’t come here for a rose. I came here for a relationship.” Vomit.
Robby- She says, “Hey, handsome.” JoJo likes pretty boys. I respect that. Makes her drink wine straight from the bottle because that’s what her mom did last season. Respect.
Alex- He’s short.
Will- He tries to make a joke by getting his notecards out of order and it’s funny, but I don’t think JoJo got that he was joking. Already can’t with JoJo. I deserve Will.
Chad- She is so taken aback by this name because a Chad broke her heart once. Chad doesn’t stand a chance. But she thinks he’s hot.
Daniel-
He makes a Damn Daniel joke, but says, ‘Damn JoJo. Back at it again as The Bachelorette’ and I don’t think JoJo gets it. JoJo doesn’t deserve this title as Bachelorette. He hugs her with one arm so he can keep his other hand in his pocket on his gun because he’s a murderer.
“One-arm hugs?? Are you kidding me??” -Hot Neighbor
Ali- He was really nice and used the word “awestruck.” I like him.
James Taylor- He sings a sweet song while getting out of the limo and then says his name and JoJo yells “James??” in the most hick accent. Wait I like James? I know I made fun of him before but I like him. Also: I’m gonna get Will and James confused so fair warning.
Jon- He shows up in a kilt. I can’t. He makes a penis joke. It doesn’t land. JoJo says his outfit is “ballsy.” Idk if she meant for the pun or not.
St. Nick- Wears Santa costume. Makes a hohoho joke but saying ‘jojojo.’ Also someone told me that JoJo’s nickname in high school was HoHo so she probably doesn’t like this joke. I have mad respect for this man.
Chase- Wears a mustache clip sunglasses thing.
Jake- Black architect
Sal- Brings her blue balls and tells her to squeeze them.


Brandon- His job title is Hipster. Into it strangely.
James S.- Says he’s nervous
Nick- He does the splits and starts dancing with her.
Vinny- Has toast
Peter- Has stuffed heart
Evan- Says, “My god bless America, how’s it going girlie,” he is so gay.
Wells- “You are so out of my league it’s ridiculous.” He brought All for One. I could not be more in love with Wells if I tried.
“I can see why you’re into him.” -Hot Neighbor
Christian- Rolls up on motorcycle, JoJo says, “I feel a bad boy,” I kill myself.
Luke- Comes in on a horse with a thing on its head to make it a unicorn. Ugh do I like Luke.

All the guys are here. They are discussing JoJo and how hot she is.

“We’re not worthy”
“She’s hottest Bachelorette ever”
“She’s in the unicorn section. Not crazy and all hot.”

Cool. But does she have a blog. Is she funny. Let’s find out.

Alex is first to steal her away and all the men are mad about it and I don’t understand what they thought they were here to do.

I appreciate JoJo because she is very engaged with these guys. Making eye contact and touching them. She is…

Quite the tease because she’s going to send all but one home. I respect that.
All the guys are talking about how nervous they are. And I get it. Guys are always nervous to talk to me and that’s why guys never approach me while I’m out.

She’s connected yet not feeling a connection with any of these guys. She’s literally sitting there and faking all the conversations. It’s literally me on any date ever. Sometimes I fake laugh so well, I’ll go home and genuinely not know if I had a good time or not because I did so well at fooling myself.

BUT THERE IS A GOD because she sits down with NFL Jordan and birds start singing. JoJo is so happy listening to him blab about his life and sports. Blab blab blab touchdown media growing up.

Will does that orgami thing from the third grade and makes her kiss him and it’s basically rape and she hates it. And says to him that hopefully their kisses get better. Then Jordan sweeps in.

THEN THEY KISS AND IT’S LIKE AN ACTUAL ROMANTIC COMEDY AND STOP THE SEASON NOW. JORDAN IS GONNA WIN. THIS IS TOO EASY. I REMEMBER WHEN I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND.


“He’s into her. Just like his tongue. Just kidding. There was no tongue.” -Hot Neighbor

Then she ruins the moment by walking away and saying something about his butt. I hate butts.

Little segment with JoJo and Wells and the acapella group and Wells is cute and charming and funny and JoJo doesn’t deserve him. I’m mad.

Hot Neighbor is Tindering for KK and I’m distracted.

I just took a sip of water and drooled it out. I have no idea why I’m not the Bachelorette.

I could never be the Bachelorette because my hair doesn’t curl.

Sorry. Back to the show.

JoJo sits down with Chad and he takes down other women to compliment her. “You’re confident unlike other women. Most women are too concerned with themselves.” I hate Chad.

JoJo and Daniel. He explains his Damn Daniel joke. She says, “Someone made a video saying ‘Damn JoJo?'”

HAHA PRETTY GIRLS ARE SO NAIVE. He explains no, they said Damn Daniel. JoJo has never been on the Internet. Pretty girls don’t have to get on the Internet for interaction with people. Must be nice.

Then all of a sudden Daniel is drunk and poking men’s belly buttons and we’ve literally all been there. No seriously. Classic PMS move — getting drunk and poking belly buttons. Then he gets naked and jumps in the pool and someone says Damn Daniel. It’s rly funny. JoJo wouldn’t get it. Pretty girls don’t need the internet.

JoJo is now in her confessional and Nick crashes it with a glass of water and I literally called this. I said I was most attracted to Nick so he was going to be the drunk one. And what do you know. Then Vinny crashes the party. Nick and Vinny are so drunk. JoJo is having flashbacks to being at the Trophy Room surrounded by drunk douches.

JoJo and James Taylor time- He is being very sweet, and his brother is from Uptown and JoJo is like lol, have I made out with him.

JoJo and Luke- He bought her cowboy boots and it’s apparent JoJo has never worn cowboy boots in her in life. JoJo says Luke has a silent, sexy confidence.

JoJo leaves Luke and walks into the room with all the men and they all stand when she walks in and I love that. She grabs the first impression rose and everyone is super nervous. In a move that is as shocking as Ellen Page coming out of the closet, JoJo gives Jordan the first impression rose. First out of the limo. First impression rose. This man is gonna win AND NO I HAVE NOT READ REALITY STEVE THIS SEASON. She says she is excited about Jordan and did not expect to kiss him the first night. Lol. Lying is hard. Then Jordan and his perfect face says he was scared of going home the first night. Lol. Lying is hard.

Chris Harrison walks in the room and announces it’s rose ceremony time. Everyone is nervous.

“Do they not use real roses?” -Hot Neighbor is concerned about this.

Just before JoJo starts to hand out the first rose, JAKE PAVELKA WALTZ IN.

I interviewed Pavelka once and he was super weird. Read about it here. Self-promotion, amirite.

Anyway, Pavelka gives her advice because they are family friends. Apparently all Bachelors and Bachelorettes from Dallas know one another. Where is Sean Lowe?? Where is Jeremy Anderson? I think that’s his name? Where is Carly and Zak Waddell?

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY
Who gets roses in order: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad…

“God, get Chad out of there. He’s a big chadhole.” -Hot Neighbor

…Chase, Alex…

“He’s got that Zac Efron look.” -Hot Neighbor

…Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, St. Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel.

PREVIEW FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: Horses, planes, cliff diving, kissing, hugging, kissing, kissing in the ocean, falling in love, dancing, bad boys, kissing up against a wall, Aaron Rodger’s little brother, girlfriends before the season, drinking, fighting, punching a door, bad boys, drinking, fighting, blood, FIGHTING, CRYING, I JUST WANNA FIND SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME, MORE CRYING, red dresses, red lips, kissing on a boat, tattoos, Thailand, kissing underneath water, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

All The Douchey Men of The Bachelorette

There was a time when I was drunk at Texas Roadhouse in Garland, Texas, when I was begging my friend at itsfineimfine.com to blog The Bachelorette.

She said no.

I said oh.

She said you do it.

I drunkenly said ok.

So here we are. I am going to attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette featuring none other than our fellow Dallas girl JoJo Fletcher.

To start things off, let’s get to know her suitors and rank them on a 4-point PMS scale.

The more PMS faces the dude gets, the douchier I think they are.

This is fun. Let’s begin.

Alex

Let’s start this out with a 4-point rating on the douche scale. I hate anyone whose favorite movie is Troy, I hate anyone who has family-related tattoos, and I especially hate anyone who sees themselves running a business with their twin in five years.

Chad

I chose him second because I appreciated his beard and then I read what he had to say for himself and he’s like every other gorgeous guy in the world with a beard. Really, really into himself. The questions keep asking him who he would want to eat dinner with, and who he wants to be and he keeps saying “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” which has to be some Matthew McConagay joke I’m not getting. And also, it’s all right, not alright, I hate this man. 3 PMS Douche Faces.

Jordan

I thought for sure I would hate this guy just based on the fact that he’s the lil bro of football star Aaron Rodgers. But then I read what he had to say for himself and when asked what’s the craziest thing he’s ever done in the bedroom, he responded, “tried to hang a TV on the ceiling with a stud finder” and I giggled. I like dat. If JoJo marries this fool, she’ll be sisters-in-law with Olivia Munn, everyone’s favorite Japanese news reporter turned actress.

Nick

This guy is by far my favorite of the bunch because I like his face and his attitude and the fact that he likes the movie The Sandlot and he was an Eagle Scout so he was a dork at one point, so he doesn’t expect this woman to be ultra cool because he’s been really uncool at some point in his life, and he looks feminine even though he says he has chased a mountain lion. With all this said, he will probably end up being the biggest douche in the house or get really wasted the first night and then I’ll be left feeling dumb LIKE MOST OF MY RELATIONSHIPS IM FINE.

Wells

JK I AM ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND HIS FACE. He’s a radio DJ and hopes to be syndicated soon (HASHTAG DREAM BIG GOALS I ALSO WANNA WRITE FOR NY MAG). He says he has wit and his dream date includes wine and cheese so like he’s feminine. I’m fine, I’m in love, wow.

Daniel

Lol, this man’s biggest date fear is when the girl embarrasses him in the restaurant, which is literally the funniest thing I’ve heard in awhile because there is not a man on this planet who I have not embarrassed in some form or fashion. This guy is also a male model, so like congrats, how is it in fantasy world because lol. He doesn’t have tattoos because you don’t put a sticker on a lambo and says he isn’t a romantic but has good manners, so I hate this guy.

Coley

I wanted to like this guy because he has a very inviting smile, a smile that says, I’m here for you, girl, but then he said 4th of July is his favorite holiday because of ‘Merica and then I just couldn’t. Everyone knows 4th of July is in the top 2 worst holidays along with Thanksgiving, but nice try, Coley. He also likes the Harry Potter books, so like, great, 5th grade is awesome, have fun there. I can say all of this because I once watched Grease Live twice in the same day.

James Taylor

Well this guy has an American flag tattoo, so like, I hate myself just thinking about that. And then when asked what he would want on a deserted island, he didn’t say a boat, so I hate anyone who doesn’t answer that question correctly. And then finally, he referred to his father as “daddy” and I’m already throwing up. Also, he’s a singer/songwriter who goes by James Taylor, so good luck playing at the Bluebird Cafe in Nashville for the rest of your life, I guess.

Christian

Christian’s best friend of the opposite sex is his mother, which is sweet I guess, if you’re into mama’s boys and becoming friends with Mark Cuban is something that is actually on his bucket list and I can’t tell if he’s kidding or not, so that’s frightening. Mark Cuban once RTed an article I wrote, so hate to make this about me, Christian, but I think I hate you.

Will

I like this guy because he likes to dance and he doesn’t like to talk about super serious things on the first date and I can respect that. He likes it when his date is able to make fun of herself, which is literally this entire blog, so hello, Will, I’m here.

I didn’t blog all the men because there’s only so much douche a woman can take.

Shut up, Fuller House isn’t that bad

I really struggled with whether I should name this blog “Shut up, Fuller House isn’t that bad” or just “John Stamos is a fine, fine wine.” Part of me thinks I spent the majority of my Sunday watching Fuller House for the few seconds John Stamos would appear on screen and then I was like you know what, “critics.” Suck it and shut up. Fuller House isn’t that bad. This is a TV review blog now. Buckle up. 


Reasons Fuller House isn’t that bad:


No. 1 John Stamos


This is where it would be appropriate to insert a joke about “Have mercy” and everyone would laugh and you would bookmark this blog as call it the most original blog ever.

John Stamos gets better looking with age and honestly it’s offensive to everyone.

LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT JOHN STAMOS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, SHALL WE.

Offensive. Life hack: Everyone watch the Fuller House episode titled “War of the Roses” or something like that and melt at the end because I did. This is a PMS insider tip. You’re welcome.

No. 2 Considering none of these people have acted since Nam, they aren’t bad.
I mean, you have to remember that Full House wasn’t exactly Emmy-worthy television. And considering literally none of these actors have done anything since Full House (except Lori Loughlin in Summerland and John Stamos in that yogurt commercial and Bob Sagot in standup comedy), they aren’t bad. They’re kind of funny.

No. 3 The Mary-Kate and Ashley shade
I know, we know, everyone knows. It’s upsetting that MK&A (they played Michelle Tanner, did you really not know that, why are you reading this blog) decided not to come back for this show. BUT OMG THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T BECAUSE THE SHADE IS WHAT MAKES THE ENTIRE SHOW. In the first episode, Stephanie asks where her little sister is and Danny says that she would have made it but she’s too busy building her fashion empire in New York and then the entire cast just looks at the camera for about 7 seconds and it’s funny, i laughed, it’s great. And then in another episode, Kimmy’s daughter buys a MK&A dress and Kimmy looks at the receipt and says, ‘Man, with these prices, no wonder they don’t have to act anymore.’ FUNNY. R U LAUGHING YET.

MK&A were quoted as saying they haven’t been in front of a camera since they were 17 and wow respect for being that self-aware. (I just linked to another blog of mine I’m sorry I hate myself.)

No. 4 The middle kid
Fuller House has the same exact plot as Full House but that’s ok, you’ll live, calm down. Instead of Danny, DJ is the Tanner who is left without a spouse and now she has to raise three kids of the opposite gender of her. And just like Full House, the middle kid has completely stolen every scene and he’s adorable and you love him.

From the Denver Post.

No. 5 There’s a dog
His name is Cosmo and he’s a descendant of Comet (the OG Tanner doggie) and he’s cute and you love him.

No. 6 It’s stupid and makes you feel good
Listen. No one actually liked Full House. You liked it because it reminded you of your childhood. That’s exactly what Fuller House does. And it’s just as good as any ABCFamily show with Melissa Joan Hart and a Matthews brother, so everyone calm down.

I Hate My Roommate And Her TV Choices

I somehow managed to move in with a human being who hates doing the dishes, has a dog that sheds, sings in the shower, and yet none of that is as bad as the fact that we can’t agree on TV shows to watch. Any tbh, I’ve never experienced pain quite like it.


Things my roommate, Kassidy, likes to watch:
American Horror Story
Nazi shit
World War II crap
Game of Thrones
Glee

Things I like to watch:
Difficult People
Parks and Rec
New Girl
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Kourtney and Kim Take New York
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami
Kourtney and Kim Take Miami
Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons

So you can imagine the arguments that ensue when it comes time to eat dinner together and decide on something to watch on Netflix/Hulu/HBO Go.

We argue. We fight. We scream. We cry.

I have been binge watching all 94 seasons of all Kardashians and Kassidy refuses to watch any of it. Kassidy has been on a real American Horror Story kick and I cannot.

I cannot for several reasons: 1. midgets 2. two-headed women 3. Emma Roberts 4. Jessica Lange looks too much like Caitlyn Jenner 5. that creepy girl/boy/creature with the buck teeth and bald head. omg I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

I also cannot eat while watching AHS. I can fake being interested if I’m just sitting in the living room, scrolling through Twitter with it on in the background. But the second I have to stuff teriyaki chicken into my mouth hole, I cannot physically handle watching a bunch of midgets run around on my TV. I usually have to beg Kassidy to turn it to New Girl or Park and Rec or something until I finish my meal.

me

I also cannot because there is a plot to AHS and I do not have the energy to follow it. Why is Jessica Lange singing? Why is there a carnival? Why is Adam Levine having sex with Mrs. Channing Tatum in a warehouse? Why is Precious here? Did one of the girls of the two-headed girl die? Why is this man married to so many women? Why is he now seducing an older black woman with a penis? Why are there so many nuns? Who decided Emma Roberts was a good enough actress to give her a role?

I CAN’T DO IT.

You see, I have a really hard job where I have to write about the Real Housewives of Dallas, so I prefer TV with little to no plot. Enter Keeping Up With The Kardashians because the only thing I really have to keep up with is how many Cartier bracelets Kylie wears.

bye.

My thoughts on the first 30 minutes of season 5 premiere of GoT

*I would say there are some spoilers in this blog post but honestly my character descriptions are so bad, you won’t know what’s going on.*

I have never seen an episode of Game of Thrones in my life. If I had to envision what it’s like, I would imagine it’s like that Kate Upton commercial where she rides into the arena on a horse with a shield. Or that commercial with Britney Spears, Pink, and I think Beyonce. I think the commercial is selling Pepsi, but I’m not sure.

The point is I don’t know what to expect. People have told me it involves a lot of nudity and gore, so lol, kill me.

The season five season premiere starts out with two youngish girls walking and I like their hair. They have accents so I’m already disinterested because a British accent says I’m better than you and I don’t have time for that.

Omg they have braids and I like them.

“You don’t need to be afraid of my father,” one little girl says to the other little girl, which is scary because you should always be afraid of your friends’ fathers. One of my friend’s dad calls me a communist and he terrifies me.

Anyway, they are in a forest and they are headed inside kind of cave/swamp thing and I have no idea where this even takes place. I’m going to guess Louisiana but idk.

game of thrones set.

There is scary woman in the cave telling them to get out. She looks like Emily Blunt. Is she Emily Blunt.

Little girl said the mean looking woman is a witch who can see the future, so she’s the long island medium. Then they talk a little and now the little girl is cutting herself with a knife, which is the least gory thing ever, and I squirmed so this will be fun.

Witch is predicting the future and says little girl will be queen even though she won’t marry the prince, so yay feminism, I guess.

“The king will have 20 children, you will have three,” says Emily Blunt. “That doesn’t make sense,” says the little girl. WHAT DON’T YOU GET. HE GON CHEAT ON YOU. WAKE UP.

Oh now I think that was all a flashback and now she is living her life as a queen I think. She still has braids.

Now there’s a dead guy and a guy is guarding it and I’m like wow wonder what he gets paid.
Oh I think they are sister and brother and they are arguing right in front of their dead father, this is so the Kardashians. After male Bruce Jenner died, Kim and Rob are so not getting along, so like I get this. I get it. We get it.

Omg no midget no. There is a midget on my screen and no one told me this show had midgets. I do have a slight fear of little people and one time I told my fourth grade teacher that and she got mad at me and I was like k, thanks for making me feel bad about my phobia.

The midget was in a crate, so he’s Winston. It’s a bald guy and midget having a discussion and this has Fox sitcom written all over it.

“The future is shit, just like the past.” –the midget. Oh. Why is that no one’s Instagram caption?

MIDGET JUST THREW UP OH OH RED ALERT CODE RED I CAN’T DO THIS. SOMEONE CALL THE COPS.

Ok, some big statue just fell and my roommate gasped, so like, we are upset, I guess.

Now there is a black woman and male and they are getting naked and ugh. There are also subtitles and I did not sign up for this ish. I already watched Passion of the Christ this week, so I think I worked enough.

OH MY GOSH SHE JUST SLIT HIS THROAT AND I SCREAMED I’M NOT LOOKING THERE IS A MUMMY LOOKING THING OMG I CAN’T I CAN’T THAT WAS SO GORY HELP HELP

Oh now there is a really pretty blonde girl, so maybe she was the little girl from the beginning because she’s also wearing braids.

“She’s a bad bitch,” says my roommate and tbh idk if that’s a good or bad thing.

Now there is a guy with curly hair and I see him on all the talk shows. And by that I mean, he was on Kelly and Michael the other day. He is sword fighting with a little boy. This show. So many characters. I can’t keep up.

More characters. help.

Now there’s this elevator thing and curly haired guy and pale Angelina Jolie-looking woman are going up. She is saying things with an accent and I don’t understand but I think she is trying to make a move on him. Now there is snow??????? Why did we change climates??????

I think he just said “the men of the nights” and it sounded like Mennonites, so.

A bunch of old white guys just offered the curly haired guy something.

Now two random people are sword fighting and it reminds me of that scene in Parent Trap when Lindsay Lohan is sword fighting with herself and I’m reminded how much I love that movie and how much I love Dennis Quaid and I think that rant video is fake.

game of thrones.

Ok, so I’m still watching Game of Thrones.

There are two people talking and I thought the person with the short blonde hair was a man but I think it’s a woman so just forget everything at this point. I officially have no idea what’s going on.

I only made it 30 minutes in and I can’t decide if I’m going to watch the other 30 minutes tomorrow. Prayers during this difficult time.