Everything I Now Know About The Avengers


THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS SPOILERS, SO STOP READING THIS IF YOU CARE. DON’T COME FOR ME.

Brad and I went to see Avengers: Endgame on Friday. I did this because a) I was bored b) I was trying to be a good girlfriend c) I thought it would be nice to do this for him, considering he let me listen to Taylor Swift’s “ME!” on repeat the night before.

I have never seen any Marvel movie ever. I don’t think. One time Brad enticed me to watch the one with Chris Pratt with the promise that he takes his shirt off and I watched until he took his shirt off and then I went to bed, so like I don’t remember much except a talking raccoon.

So I went to see this movie with zero knowledge of anything or anybody or anything or whatever.

What I know now:

  • Black Panther is a Marvel character. Didn’t know that.
  • Chris Evans is the worst Chris ever. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Pratt is only in the movie for a total of four minutes, it’s honestly so disrespectful.
  • Mark Ruffalo and Paul Rudd are not the same person.
  • Mark Ruffalo plays the Hulk???????????????????????????? This is weird, right???????????
  • Scarlett Johannson is in these movies????????????????
  • Scarlett Johannson cannot be in a movie without coming across as an absolute slut, I’m sorry, I said it, I don’t mean to slut-shame, but it’s the only word I know to use. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Hemsworth is fine.
  • Chris Pine is not in this movie.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow just will not go away.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow looks awful with bangs.
  • Robert Downey, Jr. is great, I like him.
  • The little boy who plays Spider-Man, I love him, he’s so cute, I want more of him.
  • Evangeline Lilly and Kate Beckinsale are not the same person and only one of them is in Avengers: Endgame, but I don’t remember which.
  • I don’t understand Brie Larson and I would like to go back to school to study and analyze why she was cast as the only Marvel woman superhero.
  • Elizabeth Olsen is unique????????
  • Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie. He’s not Marvel?
  • Zoe Saldana just like won’t quit.
  • Thanos is not Theranos, the Elizabeth Holmes company.
  • Endgame is one word, ok lol
  • Loki is a bad guy????? lol Taylor Swift agrees, amirite lolololol
  • Benedict Cumberbatch is Marvel????? Isn’t he like Dr. Who?????? What is he doing here???
  • I cannot sit still for 15 minutes, let alone three hours.
  • My boyfriend hates seeing movies with me; my boyfriend hates me.
  • No, like, my boyfriend literally asked me to leave one hour into seeing the movie because I kept moving around so much. 🙂

All of that said, there are really only two things I want to dive into when it comes to this movie. Here we go.

Chris Evans should not be a movie star. He is the worst Chris in the lineup of Hollywood Chrises, this will not be discussed any further except for the things I want to say about it. He offers absolutely nothing to the movie. He is so boring and his character is so boring. He is not attractive. He is boring. I literally cannot believe he’s a working actor, like I am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who let this happen!!!!!!!!!!! However, Chris Evans as an old man at the end of the movie is far and beyond hotter present day Chris, idk i like dads.

Second thing. I literally cannot believe Jeremy Renner and ScarJo did not make out, like I really thought we were going to get an affair storyline, wow, I am still shocked writing this. I also literally cannot believe Chris Evans and ScarJo didn’t make out. I thought oh, for sure, they’ve had a thing in the past and they will rekindle it during this movie. But they didn’t!!! There was no kissing!!!! ScarJo doesn’t even have any superpowers!!!! What does she do!!!! I liked when she died.

That is all I have to say about this three-hour movie. Go listen to “ME!” by Taylor Swift. Thank you.

I saw a movie with Chris Pine in it

The title of the film is not important. The plot is not important. Chris Pine is important.

Definite Ranking of all Chris Pine movies
1. Just My Luck
2. Jack Ryan
3. Princess Diaries 2
4. Star Trek
5. Star Trek 2
6. The Finest Hours

The Finest Hours is the one I saw last night with my father. I knew I wasn’t going to understand the plot or the storyline, but I did know Chris Pine was going to be wet the majority of the time, so like.

Background: I’m not sure the exact moment or movie when I fell in love with Chris, but when you really think about it, when you really get down to the root of it, he shouldn’t be my type because he’s kind of manly????? And I like feminine men????? But I’m into him because like.

ok.
honest to actual god.
i just.

The movie begins with Chris Pine, who plays Bernie, and his friend, both in the Coast Guard, I guess, and they are about to meet two girls for a date. This all takes place in the 40s or 50s, I’m not sure, what are decades, I only care about mine. Bernie is nervous because even though they’ve been talking on the phone for four weeks, he doesn’t know if she will like him. Tinder dates are hard. Anyway, they go in the diner and meet the girls, and blah blah blah love.

Then we learn Miriam, Bernie’s girl, is scared of the water at night, which is funny because now she’s dating a guy in the Coast Guard. It would be like if I dated an elevator operator. Lol it’s funny dating and facing your fears is funny. I’m laughing. Haha ha ha he he hahahah.

So then we leave Bernie and Miriam and all of a sudden Casey Affleck is on my screen and honestly, I’m not mad. Like, I’m a little mad Chris Pine isn’t on my screen, but if I have to deal with an Afflect brother, then Casey over Ben, amiright.

And then honestly I’m not sure what happened the rest of the movie. I was seeing this is 3D IMAX because I wanted Chris Pine to literally reach out and touch me, but like 3D IMAX gives you a headache and also I had to go pee during one part of it and there was a lot of action in this movie and not quite enough Chris Pine without a shirt on.

this was the entire movie honest to god.

No one said I was mentally sharp. Oh wait.

I’m so mentally sharp I don’t understand a Disney movie. It’s fine.

BACK TO CHRIS PINE’S BODY: Chris Pine kept his shirt on the entire time, so I’m not demanding a refund, but I’m not not demanding a refund, you know.

All I know is Bernie had to go rescue Casey Affleck and a bunch of other guys, but did he die??? Did anyone die???? Did Miriam face her fears??? Did Miriam and Bernie get married??? You’ll have to go see it to find out, or honestly, it’s based on a true story, so Wikipedia that shit.

The Choice is the worst movie I’ve ever seen

courtesy of entertainment weekly.
Wow. Where do I even begin besides fair warning to everyone: Do not go see The Choice. I already did, so you don’t have to. This blog contains some spoilers, but like if you’re shocked by anything in a Nicholas Sparks movie, then I’m praying for you.

This movie starts out like every other Nicholas Sparks movie where the main characters are in some Nicholas Sparks made-up town, not watching TV or tweeting or anything else believable. Instead, they are sailing and laughing and basking in the outdoors.

We meet Travis Shaw who is good looking and the only reason I wanted to see the movie.

Travis meets Gabby, a med student.

Boy meets girl

Travis and Gabby meet because Travis is throwing a party and his music is too loud for stick-up-her-ass Gabby. She literally marches over to Travis’s backyard and demands he stop partying. Then she like refuses to introduce herself and then accuses his dog of knocking up her dog and it’s all really bizarre and reminds me of sixth grade when I pretended to hate cute boys.

Because they are neighbors, Travis and Gabby begin to get to know each other over time and Travis even invites her out to one of his signature boat parties and that’s where we see Gabby take off her sweater and reveal she is gifted in the chest area. This scene is particularly funny because it’s the other women on the boat who encourage Gabby to take off her sweater “because it’s 80 degrees out” and because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encouraged another woman to just take off her sweater. Well, three seconds later, Gabby is literally standing on a bench, taking off her shirt, one pose away from Maxim.

Travis says to his dog, “Oh, boy. We’re in trouble.”

Must be nice to be a woman in a Nicholas Sparks town and get the attention of the hottest male ever by literally just wearing a swimsuit even though you are annoying af.

Then Gabby is talking to Travis’s sister, who I am 99 percent sure was wearing a wig the entire time, so maybe Nicholas Sparks casted a cancer patient in this movie as their dying wish, but I’m not sure why out of all the actors in the world, someone was chosen who had to wear a wig. Anyway, Gabby does that thing that all women do when they first get to know a guy and they try to “figure them out.” Well Gabby did that and told Travis’s sister, “Women give Travis anything he wants and he gives them just enough to keep them around. And he has that chair. That chair he sits in alone. There’s only one chair because he’s not ready to be with someone.”

OH GOOD ONE, GABBY. YOU FIGURED OUT TRAVIS AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER MALE IN THE WORLD. HEY, THIS JUST IN. MEN ARE SCARED OF COMMITMENT.

Boy gets girl
So then after the boat party, Travis invited Gabby to eat some red meat and she says that famous line from the trailer, “Has anyone ever said no to you?” And then she tells him no.

*20 minutes later*

They are literally making out and getting busy on her kitchen counter and it’s like oh, ok, you are great at saying no, Gabby.

This is also the scene from the trailer where he walks slowly to her and it’s the best scene and if you do happen to go see the movie, walk out after that scene because it’s only downhill from there. THIS IS A PMS INSIDER TIP.

AND THAT’S WHAT FIVE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS DID. FIVE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS LITERALLY WALKED OUT OF THE THEATER. HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS. WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SMOKE CIGARETTES BEHIND SCHOOL BLEACHERS OR SEE NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

idk honestly if that’s what high school girls do.

The overarching thing Travis says to Gabby is how she bothers him and honestly, she bothers me a lot, too. And also just as honestly, I bother a lot of men, too, but like, that’s never worked to my advantage, so like MUST BE GREAT TO LIVE IN NICHOLAS SPARKS LAND WHERE BOTHERING MEN IS A GOOD THING.

Boy and girl have God talk
They are sitting outside staring at the moon and the stars and she says something along the lines of oh wow, God created this. Then he gets weird and says oh no, not the God talk. And then she says some really chic line like, ‘If you explain all of this without a God, then I’ll stop saying my prayers at night,’ and then the convo is over. Also, like, is Nicholas Sparks a Christian??????? I could google it, but I don’t want to.

clark kent goes to med school

Boy loses girl
She choses her rich doctor boyfriend over Travis. Oh, yeah. Did I mention she was cheating the entire time with the guy from Smallville who got really fat over the years. Well, she felt like zero guilt for it. lol. lol. el oh el i’m laughing cheating is funny.

Boy gets girl back
In the most bizarre scene in the history of cinema, Travis travels across the state and country and America to find Gabby. He somehow magically finds Gabby’s parents’ house and learns she broke off her engagement with hot doc fiance. Then, magically, like actual magic, Gabby’s mom hands him her grandmother’s wedding ring and he proposes and she says no a total of three times before finally saying yes, so yay true love.

Boy and girl age 13 years but absolutely nothing changes
They have kids and everything and nothing changes. Their hair stays the same and Gabby still doesn’t wear makeup. It’s amazing.

Boy never becomes a Christian
Idk, I was just looking forward to a baptism or something. Idk idk idk. Call me a hopeless romantic for Jesus. It’s never addressed how they are raising their kids. Christian? Jewish? Atheist? I need to know????????????????

Boy has to make a Choice
Do you get it? That’s why it’s the movie’s name. I don’t want to reveal what ‘the choice’ actually is, but I’ll give you some quotes from my friends.

“I mean the sad part was sad, but it was awful all together.” -Kassidy

“I can’t believe they casted either of them. He was not hot and she couldn’t act.” -Augusta

“Medically unrealistic. Why is there only one doctor in the hospital. Why is she just on NS. Why don’t they try weaning her from the vent? Why is brain activity not the focus of the conversation. They guy got cuter throughout the movie, though.” -Katie

“That movie is the embodiment of every Nicholas Sparks movie. I hated it as much as I hate Begin Again by Tay… With that said, I know every word of Begin Again and after about seven sick days, I’ll know every word of The Choice. But, “Come home and bother me, baby” is the dumbest effing movie line of any movie ever.” -Cayla

All together, the acting was very bad on Gabby’s end. There was no chemistry between the two actors (probably because they’re both married, what ever happened to casting two hot single people, so maybe they’ll date off-screen). And the movie went from 0 to 100 in about two seconds. One moment, they hate each other, the next scene, they are making out, and then literally after spending two days together, Travis tells Gabby he loves her and to dump her doc boyfriend to him, a poor country boy.

All of this begs the question: Am I getting older or are Nicholas Sparks movies getting worse? Because, like, A Walk To Remember is a great movie and The Choice was not.

My Very Informative Movie Review of Jurassic World

Who would have thought I would enjoy Jurassic World so much that I would see it twice?

You? Did you think that? Hello? Because I certainly did not.

But I loved it and spoiler people die and Chris Pratt is really, really hot.

First, who is Chris Pratt? I literally have no idea. I feel like he came from nowhere. I feel like one minute he was some actor on Parks and Rec and the next minute he lost a bunch of weight and was starring in the biggest, most successful movie in the history of movies.

side note: I’m finally watching Parks and Rec after 39 people told me to do so.

Second, what is a Jurassic World? I was confused about this too. Were the characters going to see real dinosaurs or were they going to be Disney dinosaurs and then one would come alive? I was confused but after seeing the movie twice, I finally figured it out. They were “real” dinosaurs. Did those quotation marks confuse you? Ok, they were real in the movie, but like dinosaurs don’t exist anymore. If they even did ever. Do you get it? Ok, good, me neither.

Ok, so it takes, no joke, about 30 minutes for Chris Pratt to even appear on the screen, which is a real bummer. But when he does, oh boy, it’s good.

He’s wearing these pants and this shirt and this vest and he has a knife on his belt and he’s controlling the raptors and I’m like oh baby.

Then it’s revealed he used to be in the Navy and it’s seriously like God bless our troops. Thank you for serving. I salute you. Our nation is the best. God bless America. Land of the free and home of the brave. Free country. America. Red, white and blue.

Then we find out his name is Owen Grady and it’s like 1) what. That’s such a manly name, like I cannot even fathom dating someone with a name like that. A man named Owen Grady says I’m a man and I control dinosaurs. 2) There is really no second part to this except wow, Chris Pratt.

So then the movie gets going and a dinosaur gets loose (lol serious spoiler) and Chris Pratt is telling everyone that everyone is going to die. I’m like, well Chris Pratt/Owen Grady (how do you want me to refer to him in this post?) you better not die because hot men never die in movies.

Examples: Zac Efron in Charlie St. Cloud, Chris Pine in Jack Ryan, Kenny Wormald in Footloose. Do you see the pattern? Hot guys survive.

So the dino starts killing a bunch of people and Chris Pratt starts saving a bunch of people. At one point, all of the guests in the park start to run and one guy grabs his two margaritas beforehand and then runs. I found out that person was Jimmy Buffett. Haha, that’s funny. Is anyone still reading?

But here’s where it gets good.

Chris Pratt hops on a motorcycle at one point. He starts driving through the woods and making hot faces and honestly, it’s all just really good. Dinosaurs are trying to eat him but he’s swerving away from all man-eating dinos and looking good while doing it.

Then the bad guy comes and says we need your raptors, Chris/Owen because they need to catch the bad dinosaur. So with some hesitation, Chris goes and gets his dinosaur. One of the little boys (lol this movie has two boys in it and they are main characters but is anyone a main character when Chris Pratt is in your movie idk) asks Chris what the names of the raptors are.

Chris says:

Delta

Blue

Charlie

Echo

The little boy says, “Who is the alpha?”

Chris says, “You’re looking at him, kid.”

OH BABY. DO YOU GET IT. CHRIS IS THE ALPHA. I swear I could have left the theater right then because I was so taken away with Chris and his performance. I mean, get this man an Oscar. Get this man a Nobel Peace Prize. Get this man something. He’s a brilliant actor and by that I mean he’s just really hot.

So then the movie finally ends and a black guys dies because of course he does. But Chris and the two little boys and the redheaded lady survive and everything is ok.

At the end the redheaded lady (who is Opie’s daughter in real life. Opie is from the Andy Griffith Show. Yeah, I hate that show, too) asks, “What do we do now?”

And Chris says, “Probably stick together. For survival reasons.”

Like, ok, Chris. She smiles and it’s like YEAH I WOULD SMILE TOO.

The end. I give the movie a 9/10 because he keeps his shirt on the whole time.

My Very In-Depth Review of Sean Lowe’s Book

It’s sad how many biography books I’ve read. I had never opened a Harry Potter, Twilight, or Hunger Games book, but I’ve read a book by Alyssa Milano about being a baseball fan. k.

i have literally read this book what is the matter with me.

After reading Sean Lowe’s book, I was able to rank it with other similar books.

Very Informative Ranking Of Books By Celebrities Who Also Happen To Be Christian:

  1. Justin Bieber’s mom’s book (This is a great book and I suggest everyone read it. This woman is a saint for multiple reasons.)
  2. Josh Hamilton (I mean we know his story, but the part where he see the devil in the clouds gives me chills.)
  3. Kate Plus 8 (Don’t hate, but I remember her walk with God being pretty cool.)
  4. Sean Lowe (I’ve read better, I’ve read worse.)
  5. The Vow (The book before the movie. It was faith-based and 100-times better than the movie. Sue me.)
  6. Tim Tebow (Holy moly, this book was boring. Like, do some drugs or something because I’m bored. I’m reading and sleeping, reading and sleeping.)
  7. 19 Kids and Counting (And by boring, nothing will beat this book. Because it was the actual worst.)

This book was mainly boring but yolo I read it. I asked y’all to ask me questions and I would answer them, but y’all’s questions were so dumb, I actually sat down to watch an episode of Teen Mom just so I could feel smarter. However, the book had some interesting points.

  • Did you know during Brad Womack’s first season, he got ahold of a cellphone and called his ex and begged for her back? And that’s why he didn’t choose either girl. Does anyone remember Brad Womack’s first season? Does anyone remember Brad Womack B.E.M. (before emily maynard i’m good at acronyms)
  • Sean dated Brooke, a former DCC, and somehow managed to let her get away. Let’s take a moment to just look at Brooke.
if you watch dcc making the team like i do, then you know she almost didn’t make it because she was too fat hahaha murder me.

  • Now Brooke is married to Laynce Nix and no, I didn’t spell his name wrong. He spells it like that, so there’s that. I’ve met Laynce before at some baseball signing. I was like 14. I remember him being really dumb. I also think I’ve met Brooke but don’t like hold me to that. I’ve also met Sean, so I practically wrote this book.

    14 was hard.

    UPDATE I HAVE MET BROOKE THANK YOU ICE DADDY FOR REMINDING ME.


    • In the book, Sean tells us about his Bachelorette experience and how he fell in love with Emily and blah blah blah. Nothing super interesting happened EXCEPT, you know how Emily made it seem like she turned down the fantasy suite card for Sean? Well, that was just for the cameras. They really spent alone time together and after Emily filmed one of her one-on-one interviews with the producers, she walked back into the room, looking for Sean and said, “Where’s my boyfriend?” AND THEN SHE DUMPED HIM THE NEXT ROSE CEREMONY. Like, ok then.
    • He talks a lot about production and filming and how close they all get with the producers. He said the producers pick the order of the guys when they come out of the limos the first night. The first guy/girl is someone who the producers think have a shot at winning. Sean was the first out during Emily’s season. Other firsts:
      • Chantal who was the runner-up during Brad’s second season
      • Britt who got the first impression rose from Chris
      • I can’t think of any others but you get the point ok.
    • We also learned one of the reasons he sent AshLee home was because she was a little fame hungry. During their fantasy suite, she suggested they star in a reality show after getting off The Bachelor. He saw this as a red flag because yeah, that’s weird.

    she looks mad tbh.

    • He says in the book that he literally didn’t know who he was going to choose until the day before. Lindsay had the faith and Catherine had the fun.

    STORY OF MY ACTUAL LIFE. Do you date the guy who you actually like being around or do you date the Christian who can’t take a joke???????????????????

    • Anyway, he spent all the time with Catherine and then was like, I don’t know if she even loves Jesus and I’m like ok, I remember my first relationship. Like, how did that happen? How did you spend all that time with her and say faith is the most important part of your life and then be like, I think I’m going to propose to her, but does she even love Jesus?????????????? k.
    • So then they get proposed and everything is grand until literally a minute later when Sean decides to go on Dancing With The Stars and basically kill their relationship. They both move to LA and Catherine gives up everything for him. She was some badass graphic designer in Seattle, who was a vegan and probably drank out of a Nalgene and then this Texan Sean guy is like hey, let’s get married and you need to watch me compete on DWTS. And she did it. Anyway, they had troubles, but they worked through it and they got married and blah blah blah.

    SPOILER ALERT: Catherine ends up getting saved and everything works out and I remember my first happy marriage.

    catherine is cool.

    Anyway, all in all this book was fine. I can’t really complain considering Sean signed it the way I asked him. God bless our troops.